Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving
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Anonymous
Me: Excuse me. You are the one with the low grade in English. I will be checking your grades until that grade is brought up. You have an assignment due in English tomorrow. I want you to work on that and I want to see it tonight. If it looks like you are doing a good job and your teacher is being an unreasonable grader I will need to talk to the teacher. |
Anonymous
Kid: I can handle this, why are you in my business? You’re a Black Cloud! Why can’t you be more like Dad, who is cool with it? If he doesn’t care, why should you? |
Anonymous
OP’s first post says their teeth are “filthy”. How tired can he be? |
Anonymous
Kids: I don’t want to eat your broccoli! Dad wants to take us out to Chipotle, why won’t you let him?! |
Anonymous
NP here and this is good advice. My DH is the Fed and goes in early and comes home early. He has pickup, drop off at activities, and dinner. I don’t work crazy hours but I don’t get home until 6-7PM. I am also the disorganized one, likely with undiagnosed ADHD with one child that has diagnosed ADHD. So I get it. There are days I feel like I can barely juggle work with 3-4 projects plus the kid signup and calendars (which I organize) and checking that homework is done. The house is often a mess and the kids don’t have regular chores yet other than cleaning up after themselves. I’ve tried home organizers and its helped a little but not become a way of life. I will look into the resources mentioned above, especially the podcast. The biggest thing though is the last line that you can’t undermine each other and you have to look out for each other. When my dd has done something to warrant electronics being taken away, I may try to get home on the earlier end or make sure I leave on time and if needed log on later for work that night because I know consequences for the kids are 10X harder on the parent AND kids will sometimes make it even more so to “punish you” for punishing them, hoping it will deter you. |
Anonymous
I am honestly not sure how I'd handle that. My dh and I have always been on the same page with this sort of thing and we have always backed each other up in this regard. |
Anonymous
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You aren't allowed to have an opinion on how your husband is managing (or not) the household since you've seemingly abdicated full responsibility of parenting your children.
Here's what you should do: dial it back at work or adjust your schedule. Leave at 6am so you can get home earlier. Or just come home early to actually interact with your kids and tackle another hour or so after they go to bed. I have four kids, a demanding job and a wicked commute (sometimes 2 hours each way), but I haven't punted everything to my husband (who has a more flexible job and easier commute). We've set boundaries and established routines (despite 4 kids playing multiple sports/activities). We've also taught them to be independent and proactive. Our kids are not spoiled. Why aren't your kids doing the laundry? Why aren't they cooking? My 10 year old knows how to make eggs, French toast, quesadillas, noodles, etc. And anyone who can read knows how to microwave a meal. This is a good wake-up call for you and your husband. You need to regain control of your home, establish rules, and equip your kids to be self-sufficient. College is too far off for your oldest--think about the basic life skills she will need. And if you desert your husband and kids, then you suck. Truly. |
Anonymous
| OP. Are you depressed? Being willing to give your children up to an obviously just as unfit parent as you are is not a good sign. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to scale back and come home earlier. There’s no way around that. If it’s not possible at your new job, then find a new job. Your house is going to sh*t and your husband and kids don’t have any respect for their home. Or you. Change that, and you’ll see progress. Yes, I know, easier said than done but you need to start somewhere. This is on both you and your DH, not just your DH. Start by sitting everyone down. Don’t yell, don’t overreact. Be clear and simple. “Things need to change. I am overworked and stressed, and when I come home at the end of the day I get even more stressed because our home is a zoo. I am sick of being the ‘mean parent’. I need your help. Here’s where we are going to start: No TV/ internet/ WiFi until homework is done and checked. Your phones will go in the drawer and your father will give them back after he’s checked your homework. On Saturday mornings, you clean your rooms. This means things are organized, laundry is put away and clean sheets go on the bed. If this doesn’t happen (because you’re tween/teen and I shouldn need to nag you if a routine is in place) I take TV/internet/phone away until it’s done. For now, that’s all I ask in terms of school/chores. In terms of manners and respect, no more “moms cooking sucks”. If you want to suggest a recipe, fine. If you want to cook, fine. But it’s disrepectful to insult me like you have been. No more talking back. If you don’t fulfill these requests, same thing - taking TV/ phone/ internet away. You can earn them back the next morning by apologizing and discussing with me. In terms of hygiene - you guys are ridiculous. Every morning, your father will make sure you’ve showered and brushed your teeth. This is a non negotiable. Once again - phones / tv/ internet get taken away for the day if you refuse. Things need to change. I want a happy and relaxing home. If we can do this together, we’ll all be happier. Not just me.” OP- sit down with your DH and MAKE SURE he is on board and can handle these very few requests. Tell him this is for your own sanity and if it’s not done, divorce. |
Anonymous
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OP never returned.
OP was possibly a troll. Just saying. |
Anonymous
She’s frustrated and angry and lots of you put 100% of the blame on her. I wouldn’t return either. |
Anonymous
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The husband has so much more time and lacks the stress of a commute; it’s not unreasonable for him to pick up the slack. I have similar scenario, only I come home to dinner in the oven, homework done, music practiced, chores complete. And she’s being undermined – she cooks dinner and they are allowed to eat out instead. I don't blame her at all.
Whether the dad has ADHD or asperger’s or just different values, it doesn’t matter. If she has expressed her disappointment clearly and he doesn’t change anything, they are not compatible. If she does get a new job, she is the one who is compromising, and it doesn't guarantee things will change. Divorce may be the realistic option. As for the kids, I don’t think they are especially terrible, 11-14 year olds are by nature selfish and lazy. Very few don’t need constant guidance. Good luck OP. |
Anonymous
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Its really very hard when two parents arent on board with parenting.
a small example: the other day DS was in a grumpy mood and had not finished his homework (which is minimal, he's in 2nd grade). My approach is simply "let's finish this, I'll help you"--sometimes i offer to read an extra chapter to him of a fave book if he's done early and its my night to read to him but otherwise, doiing HW is an expectation. That night, I hear DH saying "hey, if you finish you're homework now I'll give you a dollar." It really annoyed me because 1) we already have a routine 2) I dont want DS to think that he should get *paid* to do his work and 3) we have another super motivated child who does her homework like clockwork, why should her brother benefit from putting it off? fortunately, we worked this out, but I have seen this before with DH, and I realize that he's not comfortable being the hard ass parent and at some level he doesn't believe our son is capable of actually getting it done without additional bribes. |
Anonymous
She made the mistake of mentioning her rules and high standards and then complaining that her dh wasn't being a good enforcer of her rules and high standards. She might expect all As for example but she wants her dh to be the guy responsible for making sure that the kids do what it takes to achieve those grades. Oh, and the house needs to be tidy clean and the laundry needs to be washed, dried and put away. That's the part that people were bristling at. Just because Op works more hours and earns more money does not make her her husband's boss. |
Anonymous
Truth hurts. She won't fix anything until she's ready to engage and be part of the solution. |