Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

Not at this point of my life. When I work 70 hours week, I don't have time, energy for cleaning, cooking, homework, etc. But I worked hard when the kids were young. I breastfed them for more than a year each and as a result my kids don't have any allergies, they don't get flu or cold, no other ADHDs or ADDs. I spent a lot of time with them when they were young and prepared them well for the life. My kids always get complements about how mature they are. It didn't come by itself. I put a lot of time, efforts and energy into the early child development. They are fluent in three languages since they were young.

My point is that before you jump to the jobs like OPs or mine, you need to prepare the family. I always praise my kids for how much they doing and remind them that I would not be able to work at this job if not for their help. And they know that it is my job that allows us those little luxuries like travel, nice cars, healthy foods, etc. My kids doing much more than average teenagers, and I am very grateful for that. Older kids drive younger to the aftershcool activities, playdates, etc. They take our dog to the vet when needed. They cook, bake and do the grocery shopping runs all the time. I would never ever feel comfortable working those hours knowing that my kids need me or struggle at some areas. I would be back by their side, not sitting in the office.

Off topic but I can’t believe how delusional and self-congratulatory this poster is. Really, you think your kids don’t have allergies or ADHD because you breastfed them? Shame on you for laying those conditions on the feet of other parents because you think they didn’t “work” as hard as you. Also, I breastfed my child for over a year and spent oodles of time with her and fed her all healthy unprocessed foods and she developed a rare autoimmune condition anyway. Shit happens and it’s no ones fault. I’m sure you’ll learn that lesson eventually but at your age you really should know better.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Hilarious that hikier than though parent who spent a whopping couple of years home with her kid thinks she did everything right!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Holier than thou.

Sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

Not at this point of my life. When I work 70 hours week, I don't have time, energy for cleaning, cooking, homework, etc. But I worked hard when the kids were young. I breastfed them for more than a year each and as a result my kids don't have any allergies, they don't get flu or cold, no other ADHDs or ADDs. I spent a lot of time with them when they were young and prepared them well for the life. My kids always get complements about how mature they are. It didn't come by itself. I put a lot of time, efforts and energy into the early child development. They are fluent in three languages since they were young.

My point is that before you jump to the jobs like OPs or mine, you need to prepare the family. I always praise my kids for how much they doing and remind them that I would not be able to work at this job if not for their help. And they know that it is my job that allows us those little luxuries like travel, nice cars, healthy foods, etc. My kids doing much more than average teenagers, and I am very grateful for that. Older kids drive younger to the aftershcool activities, playdates, etc. They take our dog to the vet when needed. They cook, bake and do the grocery shopping runs all the time. I would never ever feel comfortable working those hours knowing that my kids need me or struggle at some areas. I would be back by their side, not sitting in the office.

Off topic but I can’t believe how delusional and self-congratulatory this poster is. Really, you think your kids don’t have allergies or ADHD because you breastfed them? Shame on you for laying those conditions on the feet of other parents because you think they didn’t “work” as hard as you. Also, I breastfed my child for over a year and spent oodles of time with her and fed her all healthy unprocessed foods and she developed a rare autoimmune condition anyway. Shit happens and it’s no ones fault. I’m sure you’ll learn that lesson eventually but at your age you really should know better.

+1.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a mess. If the genders were reversed and it was workaholic dad judging less than perfect mom...it would be a completely different discussion.


It is also bizarre how many people have this black and white line about me and women. All men are terrible fathers and terrible at home and every mother has a perfect home with perfect kids.

Really you have never met a two income family where mom is home more but she doesn't get a home cooked meal on the table every night? Where the house gets messy or laundry falls behind? Where homework gets rushed or gets left to the kid to be responsible for (especially at the ages in the OP)?

So many seem to be giving mom a free pass since she works more - all at home is dad's problem. Yet every post about dad works late, I do everything turns into what a loser dad is and how dad needs to step up.

This thread is just weird.

YES! If it were a DAD walking into the mess and threatening to leave over it, DCUM would be all over the dad for being sexist and assuming that the wife should be doing all the work at home and there would be an outcry of what a sexist pig he is.
Almost like it’s not true. It’s not even a very good troll thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

+1

That's what I thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hilarious that hikier than though parent who spent a whopping couple of years home with her kid thinks she did everything right!

Yup. I knew enough not to express those thoughts back then when I had them and my kid was relatively easy (although I never ascribed magical powers to breast feeding).

Fast forward to high school, which is pretty much a lesson in humility.

Successful breast feeding didn't help me at all with ninth grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

+1

That's what I thought.

I'm not the OP, but in her defense, there are certain objective things that make it clear that they aren't as busy as they should be at school. Like grades. I simply can't imagine treating my kids to things like manicures (!) when they don't even do their homework every day. If the grades were good and it was just OP's perception of a messy house, then I might be more inclined to lean the other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. You are their mother. Most schools post grades/assignments electronically now. Start to make it a habit to check their grades every day. If you see a low grade or an assignment missing - text your kid to find out what happened.

As far as chores go, make up a chore list. If the chores don't get done, privileges get taken away.

MS/HS kids are not sitting at home on their ass all day, btw. They go to school, they usually have activities after school too. A man that is working at his federal job every day is also not at home goofing off - he is working.

My guess is, that between activities and errands, your husband and the kids have less time to get things done than you think that they do. Your husband is working a full time job and has pretty much all of the kid duty in your household. That's a lot.

This. It seems your “retarded” DH is doing a heck of a lot.

+2. OP, I'm usually a lurker and rarely comment, but you seem like a real piece of work. Where is your responsibility in all of this? Frankly, with your lack of accountability, and the way you talk about your DH and kids, I think they may be better off without you. At least his is "there" and "present" for the kids you BOTH share, all while still working a FULL-TIME job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a mess. If the genders were reversed and it was workaholic dad judging less than perfect mom...it would be a completely different discussion.


It is also bizarre how many people have this black and white line about me and women. All men are terrible fathers and terrible at home and every mother has a perfect home with perfect kids.

Really you have never met a two income family where mom is home more but she doesn't get a home cooked meal on the table every night? Where the house gets messy or laundry falls behind? Where homework gets rushed or gets left to the kid to be responsible for (especially at the ages in the OP)?

So many seem to be giving mom a free pass since she works more - all at home is dad's problem. Yet every post about dad works late, I do everything turns into what a loser dad is and how dad needs to step up.

This thread is just weird.

This.
-full-time working mother of 2

[Anonymous]

I think you should leave. The fact that you hate your husband and children is the reason they are unable to function. Your presence is toxic and they feel that no matter what they do, it will not be good enough. So they do nothing or the bare minimum. They will have room to breathe if you are gone. They will decide on their own to floss their teeth and do their homework if you are not there with your hate poisoning the atmosphere of the home.


Also, count your blessings. Teens with this type of dysfunctional home environment are prone to using drugs and mental health issues. Be grateful that the only visible repercussions so far are that their teeth aren't flossed.

[Anonymous]

So you work really long hours at a job you don't like to support a lifestyle that isn't working for anyone in your family. Would you consider a radical change? Quit your job, move to a community and have a work schedule where your kids could have more meaningful experiences and responsibilities? Someone earlier in the thread talked about being the neglected child of professional parents-I think many of us have grown up like Milo in the Phantom Tollbooth, having all of our material needs met (and more) but having few deeply engaging relationships and experiences, and becoming boring and slothful in response.

You need to find some love and meaning in your life and model it for your kids. And you could get divorced-I'm divorced and much happier, but without big changes beyond divorce your kids will spend 50% (or more if your DH makes a good case) in a slothful household, and you'll spend your time yelling and overcompensating to try and fight against the tide.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread but here is my story. I work in biglaw and our idea was that I would try for partner and DH would SAHD. But after a couple of years of this we both realized that we were headed down the road to what you described. I stepped back (am now an of counsel), DH went back to work, we hired a cleaning lady and a part time nanny. The house is clean now, the kids get good grades, and we even make dinner a few nights a week. And btw DH was diagnosed with ADHD, is now on meds, and doing much better. Yes, I don't have the great career. But it was worth it.

You have to decide what matters most to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

+1

That's what I thought.

I'm not the OP, but in her defense, there are certain objective things that make it clear that they aren't as busy as they should be at school. Like grades. I simply can't imagine treating my kids to things like manicures (!) when they don't even do their homework every day. If the grades were good and it was just OP's perception of a messy house, then I might be more inclined to lean the other way.

You are confusing effort with results. If the kids are actually in school, sitting in each class every day and doing the work that is assigned to them, it is possible for them to still make poor grades.

Instead of taking this as a sign that the kids are lazy and goofing off (which appears to be Op's assumption), Op should sit down with them and their teachers to figure out what is going on. If Op's husband has untreated ADHD or problem with executive functioning maybe the kids do to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the whole thread but here is my story. I work in biglaw and our idea was that I would try for partner and DH would SAHD. But after a couple of years of this we both realized that we were headed down the road to what you described. I stepped back (am now an of counsel), DH went back to work, we hired a cleaning lady and a part time nanny. The house is clean now, the kids get good grades, and we even make dinner a few nights a week. And btw DH was diagnosed with ADHD, is now on meds, and doing much better. Yes, I don't have the great career. But it was worth it.

You have to decide what matters most to you.

The thing is, her husband is NOT a SAHD. He has a full time job. She seems to be expecting her husband to do the work of a SAHP, while also holding down a full time job. That's an expectation we're supposed to be walking away from. I know this is a DCUM phrase, but I've never used it before- OP, you sound unhinged. Really, I think you need a week away from your family. Go away for a week to visit other family, or a yoga retreat or something. I think they could probably use a break from you as well. Don't come back expecting that they will have cleaned the house and changed all the annoying habits while you were away. Instead, reflect on what you love and value about each of them. Come back ready to communicate with your husband and come up with a parenting style that works for both of you. Even though you work more, you should be in charge of some things (dental hygiene among them.)