Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Op, they are your kids and it sounds like you didn’t bother to do any parenting but just blame your also-working spouse. You were barely there for your kids heir whole life and now you really want to not be there. Why did you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Seriously, what are you doing getting home at 8pm? You need a new job, even if it means a pay cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think, OP?

That I want too much. BTW, his standards are VERY low. Like bad breath is OK, kids wearing junk to events is OK, Sarku every night is good nutrition. I laughed when I saw my son at a party last week wearing pants that were about 9 inches too short. I had to laugh because I would have cried. We weren't sure what he should wear so I told my husband to have him wear a dress shirt and casual pants even jeans. Husband digs in closet and finds these tiny dress pants for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are your kids and it sounds like you didn’t bother to do any parenting but just blame your also-working spouse. You were barely there for your kids heir whole life and now you really want to not be there. Why did you have kids?

I come home and scramble. Dinner, homework, teeth, clothes.
If I were a working man, 8 pm would be just fine. My husband can't do what I do at home, and he can't do what I do at work.

[Anonymous]

You are a disaster.

It's not okay for men to be absentee parents and it's not okay for you to be an absentee parent.

You are absent and this is what you get for being derelict in your responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have ownership in this too. Sounds like academics have not been prioritized. Bad grades should mean no phones, no video games, no manicures, no new clothes, etc... The kids need to learn to earn their 'stuff' and free time. You need a chore chart/schedule and drop the hammer on them about their grades. Tell them what your expectations are and stick to the consequences. I am 1 and done, if my DD doesn't keep her room neat, her grades up and a clean appearance, she gets nothing and home confinement.

Your relationship with your husband is a different issue. You need to tell him you are not happy, get on the same page about the kids and if he is not on board then you are out of there. Money comes and goes, you may lose some but you can continue to earn and recover. Good luck!

Husband disregards the rules. He hates me or the kids, can't figure out which one.
Also, for the first time, I am thinking that he has some part of his brain that does not work normally. Other family members have seen it. Like he is retarded (sorry about that having to use that word) in some ways. It takes him so long to figure some things out.

[Anonymous]

No, it is not OK for a man to stay at work until 8 each night when he has 3 kids. Stop trying to play the sexism card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a disaster.

It's not okay for men to be absentee parents and it's not okay for you to be an absentee parent.

You are absent and this is what you get for being derelict in your responsibilities.

Its not ok to have a cush job that you get out after 5 hours and have your wife carry the load.

[Anonymous]

It seems that you are the one who doesn’t like your kids. You truly are a victim.

[Anonymous]

Do you see your kids in the morning? If you are home in the morning and he is home after school this makes sense. If youre gone early AND not home until 8pm this is a problem. Doesnt matter if youre the Mom or the Dad.

[Anonymous]

Op, I earn more than my spouse and work longer hours. DH carries a huge load at home. But no way did I abdicate my responsibiliity to our children. I have to give them a ton of direction and lists, and I'm tired after making decisions at work all day. Kids' teeth should definitely be flossed more than they are and our house is less than perfect, bedrooms are a disaster. Sure I wish I had someone to take care of me and adulting is hard, but that's life. You owe it to your family and yourself to step up.

[Anonymous]

Stop giving them new clothes, manicures, Disney, private tutors, etc. They don't deserve any of that. You're adding to the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what are you doing getting home at 8pm? You need a new job, even if it means a pay cut.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've had tutors galore and house keepers. If I get home at 8 pm and they go to bed at 10:30 (yes), that gives me 2.5 hours with them. Assuming I have nothing else to do. He gets home at 3 (or earlier) and has 6.5 hours with them. He really is on the low end of the spectrum WRT household management. No initiative, no intuition. We are now thinking of getting a home maintenance contract because I am tired of reminding him to go things like call the gutter cleaners.
I told my oldest that sometimes, things simply don't work out. She asked why, and I simply said that I am just too tired.

And your solution for your husbands inferior parenting is to get divorced and have him take the kids? I get the sense that you think if you dump your kids off then you won't still bear any responsibility for how things turn out with them.

If you don't like what he does with them at home then have them do more after school activities, particularly academic things. My suggestion would be out of the home tutoring (mathnasium etc), Kumon, or whatever else their schools might offer.

Enough with the excuses. If all three of your kids are flailing it's your fault too.