Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

I work hard long hours at a job that I am not in love with, and I out earn my husband.
He works fewer hours (federal) and he has been charged with a lot of childcare, plus we use various sitters. We are comfortable.
I often come home to a house of chaos. Kids doing poorly in school, no chores to speak of, they sit in front of TV and video games all day long then remember at 9 pm that they have tests and homework. Poor grades. Ages 11-14.
They are spoiled. They have had all the stuff. Phones, Disney, private coaching, manicures, new clothes, you name it. Their father takes them out to dinner if they don't like what I've cooked.
I am tried. I have heard that many of these psuedo stay at home dads are disasters when it comes to the child care. But I don't even care about that issue. He seems to have a different set of values than mine. He is as educated, but not as driven. He actually seems to want the kids to do badly in school and life.
I remember watching that movie Mrs. Doubtfire, and I could relate to the scene where the mother walks into the house on the child's birthday, only to see some crazy party with kids dancing on the table. I told my husband that I felt like her, and he just laughed.
Anyway, it feels bad to be the only one in the house who works hard. They all sit of their duffs and relax all day long. Their teeth are filthy, their rooms are filthy. The only reason they bathe is because they are afraid of being called on BO by their friends.
I spoke with a friend who just divorced her husband for the same issues. A year later, she has no regrets. We've done counseling and it has been a waste.
Divorce would mean financial ruin.
Interestingly, I am thinking of divorce and asking him to take the kids, I am so not happy with their behavior.
I feel like he used me.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mind is made up.

[Anonymous]

You are just as responsible for how your kids behave as your husband.

[Anonymous]

So you haven't been involved in rearing your children, and now you don't like how they turned out? LOL, ok.

[Anonymous]

Wow, op. I’m sorry. I’ve got no real advice. Your husband sounds like a loser. I throw none the blame towards your kids as it seems like they are simply a product of their environment.

I’d lay it all out there to you DH. Tell him your expectations and let him decide his own future.

[Anonymous]

Wow. So, you take no responsibility for the way your kids are? They are yours, too, no? I always wondered what kind of person could walk out on their kids. Now I know.

[Anonymous]

Hiring a nanny and housekeeper would be smarter and cheaper than divorce. Or, leave your job to SAH. You said you don't love your job. It would mean big lifestyle changes, but it can be done. I've been home for 20+ years. Neither of us has ever been interested in a dual income lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are using him. He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things. Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent. Hire a tutor and housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work hard long hours at a job that I am not in love with, and I out earn my husband.
He works fewer hours (federal) and he has been charged with a lot of childcare, plus we use various sitters. We are comfortable.
I often come home to a house of chaos. Kids doing poorly in school, no chores to speak of, they sit in front of TV and video games all day long then remember at 9 pm that they have tests and homework. Poor grades. Ages 11-14.
They are spoiled. They have had all the stuff. Phones, Disney, private coaching, manicures, new clothes, you name it. Their father takes them out to dinner if they don't like what I've cooked.
I am tried. I have heard that many of these psuedo stay at home dads are disasters when it comes to the child care. But I don't even care about that issue. He seems to have a different set of values than mine. He is as educated, but not as driven. He actually seems to want the kids to do badly in school and life.
I remember watching that movie Mrs. Doubtfire, and I could relate to the scene where the mother walks into the house on the child's birthday, only to see some crazy party with kids dancing on the table. I told my husband that I felt like her, and he just laughed.
Anyway, it feels bad to be the only one in the house who works hard. They all sit of their duffs and relax all day long. Their teeth are filthy, their rooms are filthy. The only reason they bathe is because they are afraid of being called on BO by their friends.
I spoke with a friend who just divorced her husband for the same issues. A year later, she has no regrets. We've done counseling and it has been a waste.
Divorce would mean financial ruin.
Interestingly, I am thinking of divorce and asking him to take the kids, I am so not happy with their behavior.
I feel like he used me.

Grow up, get a spine and lay down law. There would be no phones, no Disney, no private coaching, manicures and any of this other stuff. The house needs to be clean and dinner needs to be cooked when you get home. It isn't too late - but YOU have to put the work in. Did you not see any of this coming 5-6 years ago?

[Anonymous]

You have ownership in this too. Sounds like academics have not been prioritized. Bad grades should mean no phones, no video games, no manicures, no new clothes, etc... The kids need to learn to earn their 'stuff' and free time. You need a chore chart/schedule and drop the hammer on them about their grades. Tell them what your expectations are and stick to the consequences. I am 1 and done, if my DD doesn't keep her room neat, her grades up and a clean appearance, she gets nothing and home confinement.

Your relationship with your husband is a different issue. You need to tell him you are not happy, get on the same page about the kids and if he is not on board then you are out of there. Money comes and goes, you may lose some but you can continue to earn and recover. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. We've had tutors galore and house keepers. If I get home at 8 pm and they go to bed at 10:30 (yes), that gives me 2.5 hours with them. Assuming I have nothing else to do. He gets home at 3 (or earlier) and has 6.5 hours with them. He really is on the low end of the spectrum WRT household management. No initiative, no intuition. We are now thinking of getting a home maintenance contract because I am tired of reminding him to go things like call the gutter cleaners.
I told my oldest that sometimes, things simply don't work out. She asked why, and I simply said that I am just too tired.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are using him. He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things. Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent. Hire a tutor and housekeeper.

+1 Throw money at this. Tutor, delivered meals, housekeeper or regular cleaning service. You are complaining most about what your husband is doing, not about him personally. If you still like him personally but want to shape things up without going broke hire people.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at asking him to take the kids because you don’t like their behavior. These are your children. You are just as responsible for how they are turning out as your spouse is. If how they are is ok with your husband than you need to step up and do something, because he won’t. They aren’t someone else’s responsibility to “fix”, they are yours. Do you really want to walk out and live with that decision the rest of your life? The mother that deserted her kids because she didn’t like them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work hard long hours at a job that I am not in love with, and I out earn my husband.
He works fewer hours (federal) and he has been charged with a lot of childcare, plus we use various sitters. We are comfortable.
I often come home to a house of chaos. Kids doing poorly in school, no chores to speak of, they sit in front of TV and video games all day long then remember at 9 pm that they have tests and homework. Poor grades. Ages 11-14.
They are spoiled. They have had all the stuff. Phones, Disney, private coaching, manicures, new clothes, you name it. Their father takes them out to dinner if they don't like what I've cooked.
I am tried. I have heard that many of these psuedo stay at home dads are disasters when it comes to the child care. But I don't even care about that issue. He seems to have a different set of values than mine. He is as educated, but not as driven. He actually seems to want the kids to do badly in school and life.
I remember watching that movie Mrs. Doubtfire, and I could relate to the scene where the mother walks into the house on the child's birthday, only to see some crazy party with kids dancing on the table. I told my husband that I felt like her, and he just laughed.
Anyway, it feels bad to be the only one in the house who works hard. They all sit of their duffs and relax all day long. Their teeth are filthy, their rooms are filthy. The only reason they bathe is because they are afraid of being called on BO by their friends.
I spoke with a friend who just divorced her husband for the same issues. A year later, she has no regrets. We've done counseling and it has been a waste.
Divorce would mean financial ruin.
Interestingly, I am thinking of divorce and asking him to take the kids, I am so not happy with their behavior.
I feel like he used me.

Grow up, get a spine and lay down law. There would be no phones, no Disney, no private coaching, manicures and any of this other stuff. The house needs to be clean and dinner needs to be cooked when you get home. It isn't too late - but YOU have to put the work in. Did you not see any of this coming 5-6 years ago?

Good question. I started to see it years ago, but I did not realize how much the lack of discipline would magnify itself. It is like a monster.