Is it cheating to have a conference husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a work conference I attend every year, and it is usually in a resort location. A few years ago in New Orleans, I went out to lunch with a friend, who brought along a guy she worked with, and we hit it off. Had a lot in common, knew a lot of the same people. My friend had to catch a flight, and it turned out this guy and I were both on a later flight, so the two of us spent a few hours walking through the French Quarter. If this afternoon had happened when I was in my twenties and single, it would have been one of the best first dates I ever had. Alas, we are both married and middle aged. My marriage is fine. It's not great, but it's fine. I don't really know how his is.

We have minimal contact outside of this conference - a few how ya doing emails during the year. But every annual conference since then, the two of us meet up again and spend our workdays together at the meetings, and have carved some time out from our work obligations so the two of us can go out for boozy, flirty dinner at a nice restaurant, after which each of us goes back to our separate hotel rooms. My husband has no knowledge that this other guy exists. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest, it's just that I don't think I've crossed any lines, it would be more awkward to bring it up, and I kind of like having this little secret.

I'm not cheating on my husband, am I? And if I am, why am I going back to my hotel room alone - if I'm already cheating, how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together? I think we've established our ability to keep this thing we have to one week a year and apart from our real lives.

Next conference is in Vegas next month.

I come from the realist camp.

No, you aren't cheating. Totally normal, so far. Whether it's a conference, or a business dinner, or a few hours at the airport bar with an attractive stranger, many/most of us have those awesome moments with someone from the opposite sex. A crush, a small break from the daily grind, a little taste of the butterflies again. No biggie. That is fun. Keep on, enjoy it for what it's worth.

But if you sleep with him, it escalates things immensely. To generalize, women who are in so-so marriages can get really caught up in affairs. Maybe you are the unicorn, but most women really can't go back to their status quo after a night or a weekend of hot sex with some man they also have chemistry with outside the bedroom. They look at their husbands differently.

Not to mention the potential of catching something.

I think you are naive for thinking there isn't much difference between what you are doing now with what sex would change. Just go into it with your eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, I'm trying to think about how it would go if my wife told me about something like this:

DW: Honey, I have something I need to tell you. You know that conference I go to every year?
Me: um, yeah?
DW: I met a man there a few years ago, and we are conference friends, and every year we hang out at the conference and go to dinner together.
Me: Oh. OK. And?
DW: And what?
Me: Is there more?
DW: No.
Me: So why are you telling me this?
DW: because the DC Urban Moms told me it was cheating and I should tell you.
Me: I thought we agreed the DC Urban Moms are crazy. Are you screwing around with him?
DW: No.
Me: Are you in love with him?
DW: No. I have a little crush. We flirt a little.
Me: Do I know this guy?
DW: No.
Me: Do you see him more than once a year?
DW: No.
Me: Are you, I don't know, secretly texting him all the time?
DW: No, we email a few times a year about work stuff.
Me: That's kind of weird. If you're friends and work on the same stuff, I would expect you to be in touch more.
DW: Yeah, I guess it is a little weird.
Me: Should I be worried about this guy?
DW: No.
Me: Are you thinking about having sex with him?
DW: NO! Why are you asking me all these questions? Do you not trust me?
Me: Don't get mad at me. You're the one who brought it up.
DW: Forget it. I shouldn't have said anything.
Me: Yeah, you probably shouldn't have. Why are you listening to crazy people on the Internet?

Nice try. Except she said this in the OP:

"how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together"

If my DH told me that he is thinking about having sex with another woman, that would be a very different conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a work conference I attend every year, and it is usually in a resort location. A few years ago in New Orleans, I went out to lunch with a friend, who brought along a guy she worked with, and we hit it off. Had a lot in common, knew a lot of the same people. My friend had to catch a flight, and it turned out this guy and I were both on a later flight, so the two of us spent a few hours walking through the French Quarter. If this afternoon had happened when I was in my twenties and single, it would have been one of the best first dates I ever had. Alas, we are both married and middle aged. My marriage is fine. It's not great, but it's fine. I don't really know how his is.

We have minimal contact outside of this conference - a few how ya doing emails during the year. But every annual conference since then, the two of us meet up again and spend our workdays together at the meetings, and have carved some time out from our work obligations so the two of us can go out for boozy, flirty dinner at a nice restaurant, after which each of us goes back to our separate hotel rooms. My husband has no knowledge that this other guy exists. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest, it's just that I don't think I've crossed any lines, it would be more awkward to bring it up, and I kind of like having this little secret.

I'm not cheating on my husband, am I? And if I am, why am I going back to my hotel room alone - if I'm already cheating, how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together? I think we've established our ability to keep this thing we have to one week a year and apart from our real lives.

Next conference is in Vegas next month.

I come from the realist camp.

No, you aren't cheating. Totally normal, so far. Whether it's a conference, or a business dinner, or a few hours at the airport bar with an attractive stranger, many/most of us have those awesome moments with someone from the opposite sex. A crush, a small break from the daily grind, a little taste of the butterflies again. No biggie. That is fun. Keep on, enjoy it for what it's worth.

But if you sleep with him, it escalates things immensely. To generalize, women who are in so-so marriages can get really caught up in affairs. Maybe you are the unicorn, but most women really can't go back to their status quo after a night or a weekend of hot sex with some man they also have chemistry with outside the bedroom. They look at their husbands differently.

Not to mention the potential of catching something.

I think you are naive for thinking there isn't much difference between what you are doing now with what sex would change. Just go into it with your eyes wide open.

If this were a man posting, we would have pointed out that he is having an emotional affair with his "conference wife." Such a double standard on this board.

[Anonymous]

"how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together"

Um. ALOT worse.

Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. All of the Debbie Downers in here are being ridiculous. Men and women are capable of being friends even when there is some attraction involved. And like you said, you don't know what his marriage us like. It may be fantastic and something he'd never risk in a million years by sleeping with you.

LOL. If he had a fantastic marriage that he wasn't willing to risk, he wouldn't have a consistent flirting partner for faraway conferences. That's not what happily married men do, and the fact that you don't realize that fills in the details about your home situation more than anything else you could say.

And you are revealing how immature you are. You really have no male friends who you flirt with? Maybe an ex you flirt with on occasion over FB? I personally think it's natural and an enjoyable part of life. Adults, even ones in long term relationships, are allowed to keep some things to themselves. I don't monitor my husband 24/7 and I don't feel the need to. I know he has female friends and I know he's not dead and I'm not stupid so yeah I realize that he's probably attracted to some of them. I trust him not to cheat on me and actually have sex with someone else, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. All of the Debbie Downers in here are being ridiculous. Men and women are capable of being friends even when there is some attraction involved. And like you said, you don't know what his marriage us like. It may be fantastic and something he'd never risk in a million years by sleeping with you.

LOL. If he had a fantastic marriage that he wasn't willing to risk, he wouldn't have a consistent flirting partner for faraway conferences. That's not what happily married men do, and the fact that you don't realize that fills in the details about your home situation more than anything else you could say.

And you are revealing how immature you are. You really have no male friends who you flirt with? Maybe an ex you flirt with on occasion over FB? I personally think it's natural and an enjoyable part of life. Adults, even ones in long term relationships, are allowed to keep some things to themselves. I don't monitor my husband 24/7 and I don't feel the need to. I know he has female friends and I know he's not dead and I'm not stupid so yeah I realize that he's probably attracted to some of them. I trust him not to cheat on me and actually have sex with someone else, however.

10:55 here. And as much I occasionally enjoy flirting with these guys, I know I have a great marriage and would *never* risk it. I'd be a complete idiot to do so. So I trust myself and my husband around the opposite sex because we both know what we have.

[Anonymous]

Look I personally don't think this friendship is a big deal. I don't think it's a big deal if married people flirt with members of the opposite sex as long as it doesn't cross any lines (and we all know what those are - touching, kissing, obviously sex, spilling emotional details or secrets about one's marriage, telling your friend things you wouldn't tell your spouse, etc. etc.).

However, you describe your marriage as only "so-so" and I see that as a red flag. It would be easier for you to get into an affair than someone who has what they think of as a great marriage and wants to guard it. So while I don't think you need to end this friendship, I do think it would be worthwhile for your own sake to work harder on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of the movie Same Time Next Year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. All of the Debbie Downers in here are being ridiculous. Men and women are capable of being friends even when there is some attraction involved. And like you said, you don't know what his marriage us like. It may be fantastic and something he'd never risk in a million years by sleeping with you.

LOL. If he had a fantastic marriage that he wasn't willing to risk, he wouldn't have a consistent flirting partner for faraway conferences. That's not what happily married men do, and the fact that you don't realize that fills in the details about your home situation more than anything else you could say.

And you are revealing how immature you are. You really have no male friends who you flirt with? Maybe an ex you flirt with on occasion over FB? I personally think it's natural and an enjoyable part of life. Adults, even ones in long term relationships, are allowed to keep some things to themselves. I don't monitor my husband 24/7 and I don't feel the need to. I know he has female friends and I know he's not dead and I'm not stupid so yeah I realize that he's probably attracted to some of them. I trust him not to cheat on me and actually have sex with someone else, however.

Go back and look at the original post. She said something to the effect that she may as well sleep with the guy if she's having an EA anyway. She's made it clear that her marriage is less than satisfying, so when you read what the OP has written, it seem obvious that she's looking for justification to have sex with him. While your point is well-taken, it might not be entirely applicable here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don't think it's cheating. Life is short, what are you suggesting her to do, hide in her room drinking alone? She's having fun with good drinks and conversation.she has a Fantasy maybe but not relevant unless she tries to make a move

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a work conference I attend every year, and it is usually in a resort location. A few years ago in New Orleans, I went out to lunch with a friend, who brought along a guy she worked with, and we hit it off. Had a lot in common, knew a lot of the same people. My friend had to catch a flight, and it turned out this guy and I were both on a later flight, so the two of us spent a few hours walking through the French Quarter. If this afternoon had happened when I was in my twenties and single, it would have been one of the best first dates I ever had. Alas, we are both married and middle aged. My marriage is fine. It's not great, but it's fine. I don't really know how his is.

We have minimal contact outside of this conference - a few how ya doing emails during the year. But every annual conference since then, the two of us meet up again and spend our workdays together at the meetings, and have carved some time out from our work obligations so the two of us can go out for boozy, flirty dinner at a nice restaurant, after which each of us goes back to our separate hotel rooms. My husband has no knowledge that this other guy exists. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest, it's just that I don't think I've crossed any lines, it would be more awkward to bring it up, and I kind of like having this little secret.

I'm not cheating on my husband, am I? And if I am, why am I going back to my hotel room alone - if I'm already cheating, how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together? I think we've established our ability to keep this thing we have to one week a year and apart from our real lives.

Next conference is in Vegas next month.

Have you kissed him? I can't imagine a great 1st date that didn't end in a kiss.

If not, then, no, you are not cheating, and no, you don't have to tell your DH. You are, however, playing a dangerous game which is demonstrated by how you ended your post. You are clearly thinking about taking this further, if you haven't already. That is cheating and regardless of the excuse, it can be discovered and can ruin your life and the lives of others. Of course it's great to have the company of someone to distract you from the monotony of a work conference and of course it seems wonderful as there are the financial, social and other stresses that come with the daily living n a marriage. You get a one week honeymoon every year. Be careful. That honeymoon van turn nightmare in the blink of an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds pretty fun. I'd just make sure you don't get drunk and do something stupid. If it's been going on a few years and there hasn't been an attempt yet then it's probably not going to happen.

Disagree. All it takes is one of them having a rocky period prior to the conference. She compared him to her DH in the OP. It won't take much to move this to the next level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the add your spouse test - if adding DH to any of the scenarios you're asking about would make things awkward, then it's prob not a scenario you should be engaging in.

I like this. And I agree with it.

OP here. Wow, a lot of new comments while I was sleeping (with DH!) and at morning yoga.

I don't agree with the comments that it is cheating when a wife does things she doesn't tell DH about, or she wouldn't do if DH were present. I say things with my sisters and my girlfriends that I wouldn't say in front of DH, and some things I don't tell him about because they're none of his business and I think I'm entitled to some inner life of my own. A few months ago I had jury duty, and they let us out early. I had a few hours to myself and realized my job and DH assumed I was stuck in the courthouse and unreachable. I went to a bar and drank a glass of wine while I finished the book I brought for jury duty, went to a museum, and then went home at the end of the day. DH asked me how jury duty was, and I said it was the usual day, not mentioning my free afternoon. Was that cheating?

No, that was you firing a test balloon to see how it went. The small lie worked. Why wouldnt the bigger one? The bigger question is why feel the need to lie about that day. You did nothing wrong. Jury duty ended early and you made the most of it. I'd tell my spouse about it rather than lie.

[Anonymous]

Turn the tables around...would you be okay with your husband meeting up with a woman once a year to have a special one on one time even non-sexual??? I know times have changed, but no, I don't think it's right. ANd a one night sexual encounter will most likely be a 'same time next year" occurrence.

[Anonymous]

It’s been 7 years since this was first posted. I wish people would pop by with yearly or every 5 year updates.