Is it cheating to have a conference husband?

[Anonymous]

Definitely not okay, OP. But it sounds like you're going to do what you want anyway, so good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Hope your husband is OK if you bring home a social disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of your coworkers at the conference is going to see all this and tell your husband, who will likely not believe you when you say it was all innocent, and then the whole thing will blow up in ways you cannot control. Not cool.

Someone is going to video one of these dinners and send it to your DH.

You are Cray Cray. Have you ever been to a conference? People of the opposite sex mingle, flirt, drink. Its work but also an escape, no one is videoing it. Life isn't a reality show. What op is doing is normal and common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of your coworkers at the conference is going to see all this and tell your husband, who will likely not believe you when you say it was all innocent, and then the whole thing will blow up in ways you cannot control. Not cool.

Someone is going to video one of these dinners and send it to your DH.

You are Cray Cray. Have you ever been to a conference? People of the opposite sex mingle, flirt, drink. Its work but also an escape, no one is videoing it. Life isn't a reality show. What op is doing is normal and common

Actually I work at an agency where information was being leaked, and we were able to trace the leak to a person who was flirting and hanging on to a person from countries away at a once-a-year conference. One of the parties was married and they were videotaped together because of that. And we were able to pinpoint this person as the only possible leak of information. That person is no longer employed with the agency.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a nice little respite for you. Keep it at that, don't escalate it into an actual affair, it won't be the same.

[Anonymous]

If the guy wanted her, he would have made a move by now.

Trust me: the guy thinks of her as a sister/friend/colleague. The OP has romanticized this into something it's not. So, it's okay for her to hang out with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the add your spouse test - if adding DH to any of the scenarios you're asking about would make things awkward, then it's prob not a scenario you should be engaging in.

I like this. And I agree with it.

OP here. Wow, a lot of new comments while I was sleeping (with DH!) and at morning yoga.

I don't agree with the comments that it is cheating when a wife does things she doesn't tell DH about, or she wouldn't do if DH were present. I say things with my sisters and my girlfriends that I wouldn't say in front of DH, and some things I don't tell him about because they're none of his business and I think I'm entitled to some inner life of my own. A few months ago I had jury duty, and they let us out early. I had a few hours to myself and realized my job and DH assumed I was stuck in the courthouse and unreachable. I went to a bar and drank a glass of wine while I finished the book I brought for jury duty, went to a museum, and then went home at the end of the day. DH asked me how jury duty was, and I said it was the usual day, not mentioning my free afternoon. Was that cheating?

If you can in any way equate a glass of wine, a book and a museum with your conference BF situation then you clearly have a judgement problem. Why you didn't feel you couldn't tell your husband that jury duty ended early and you enjoyed a few free hours escapes me.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I'm one of the ones who thinks a conference husband is NOT a big deal -- as long as it never escalates. So no sex, no kisses, and no going into each other's rooms. BUT on a different note - is your marriage ok? Do you and DH routinely hide things from each other? I can't imagine any scenario in which I wouldn't tell DH (or work or a friend) that I got out jury duty at 2 pm and spent a day in the city since I was there anyway. Is your DH controlling or something? Would you not tell him bc that he'll be pissed that you didn't instead come home and put a home cooked meal on the table or scrub the toilets or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I'm one of the ones who thinks a conference husband is NOT a big deal -- as long as it never escalates. So no sex, no kisses, and no going into each other's rooms. BUT on a different note - is your marriage ok? Do you and DH routinely hide things from each other? I can't imagine any scenario in which I wouldn't tell DH (or work or a friend) that I got out jury duty at 2 pm and spent a day in the city since I was there anyway. Is your DH controlling or something? Would you not tell him bc that he'll be pissed that you didn't instead come home and put a home cooked meal on the table or scrub the toilets or something?

From the way OP selectively leaks information and changes her stories when criticized (What does it matter if I cheat? on pg 1, It was a rhetorical question! on pg 5), I'm guessing she's more likely to be the one lying and hiding things. She hasn't even mentioned her husband besides noting that he's alive; he's not the issue. Her desire for infidelity and a high school romance is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever think of this guy when you masturbate? When you are having sex with DH? You are in an emotional affair. End it now before it gets worse and you do serious damage

I think of him when I am alone in my hotel room at the conference. Not when I am with DH. I really don't think it is an emotional affair if we only interact one week a year.

Then why did you start this thread at all?

If it doesn't feel like an emotional affair to you, what do you care what a bunch of anonymous strangers think? Since you posted it, it's pretty obvious that you're more uncertain than you're letting on. It also seems like the responses are going to give you the green light to have sex under the guise of 'Well, if I'm already having an affair...' You must have known that a lot of people would say you're having an EA.

FWIW - I seriously doubt you'd be ok with you husband doing this. It feels like that right now because you have this other man on your mind. Most people leaning toward, or having, an affair say this same thing.

What you don't know that a lot of us here do - getting divorced in middle age is awful. Kids, financial inter-dependence, a long history of shared memories, losing what once was a best friend....If you have sex with this guy, your life will never be the same. You know, BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of your coworkers at the conference is going to see all this and tell your husband, who will likely not believe you when you say it was all innocent, and then the whole thing will blow up in ways you cannot control. Not cool.

Someone is going to video one of these dinners and send it to your DH.

You are Cray Cray. Have you ever been to a conference? People of the opposite sex mingle, flirt, drink. Its work but also an escape, no one is videoing it. Life isn't a reality show. What op is doing is normal and common

Actually I work at an agency where information was being leaked, and we were able to trace the leak to a person who was flirting and hanging on to a person from countries away at a once-a-year conference. One of the parties was married and they were videotaped together because of that. And we were able to pinpoint this person as the only possible leak of information. That person is no longer employed with the agency.

Yes, not professional at all. Sorry, but this is really gross immature behavior.

[Anonymous]

Just the fact that the conference is in Vegas raises suspicion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever think of this guy when you masturbate? When you are having sex with DH? You are in an emotional affair. End it now before it gets worse and you do serious damage

I think of him when I am alone in my hotel room at the conference. Not when I am with DH. I really don't think it is an emotional affair if we only interact one week a year.

Then why did you start this thread at all?

If it doesn't feel like an emotional affair to you, what do you care what a bunch of anonymous strangers think? Since you posted it, it's pretty obvious that you're more uncertain than you're letting on. It also seems like the responses are going to give you the green light to have sex under the guise of 'Well, if I'm already having an affair...' You must have known that a lot of people would say you're having an EA.

FWIW - I seriously doubt you'd be ok with you husband doing this. It feels like that right now because you have this other man on your mind. Most people leaning toward, or having, an affair say this same thing.

What you don't know that a lot of us here do - getting divorced in middle age is awful. Kids, financial inter-dependence, a long history of shared memories, losing what once was a best friend....If you have sex with this guy, your life will never be the same. You know, BTDT.

No effing way you would be OK with your husband doing this

[Anonymous]

What you and your girlfriends talk about and keep from your husband is not his business, no threat to him, and entirely different from you not telling your husband what you do with your conference crush. That is his business, and he could consider it a threat to him and his marriage. Your logic is false, and you really want to rationalize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you and your girlfriends talk about and keep from your husband is not his business, no threat to him, and entirely different from you not telling your husband what you do with your conference crush. That is his business, and he could consider it a threat to him and his marriage. Your logic is false, and you really want to rationalize this.

This. If you're not telling your DH that BFF Joann is having financial trouble and her house is underwater; or Mary likes it rough; or Marcia's gyno exam hurt -- well those things have zero impact on his life and personal details of others' lives rent his business. You realize that the personal details of stuff affecting HIS marriage IS his business, right?