Is it cheating to have a conference husband?
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Anonymous
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There is a work conference I attend every year, and it is usually in a resort location. A few years ago in New Orleans, I went out to lunch with a friend, who brought along a guy she worked with, and we hit it off. Had a lot in common, knew a lot of the same people. My friend had to catch a flight, and it turned out this guy and I were both on a later flight, so the two of us spent a few hours walking through the French Quarter. If this afternoon had happened when I was in my twenties and single, it would have been one of the best first dates I ever had. Alas, we are both married and middle aged. My marriage is fine. It's not great, but it's fine. I don't really know how his is.
We have minimal contact outside of this conference - a few how ya doing emails during the year. But every annual conference since then, the two of us meet up again and spend our workdays together at the meetings, and have carved some time out from our work obligations so the two of us can go out for boozy, flirty dinner at a nice restaurant, after which each of us goes back to our separate hotel rooms. My husband has no knowledge that this other guy exists. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest, it's just that I don't think I've crossed any lines, it would be more awkward to bring it up, and I kind of like having this little secret. I'm not cheating on my husband, am I? And if I am, why am I going back to my hotel room alone - if I'm already cheating, how much worse would it be to spend a discreet night together? I think we've established our ability to keep this thing we have to one week a year and apart from our real lives. Next conference is in Vegas next month. |
Anonymous
| Is it cheating to have a work wife? |
Anonymous
| If you have to ask, the answer is yes. I would not be OK with my partner having "boozy, flirty" dinners with someone of the opposite sex. I also would not be OK with the fact that they look forward to it like a lovestruck schoolgirl. Lastly I would not be OK that you "like having this little secret." You are not being a good spouse. At all. |
Anonymous
| I will give you credit for realizing your boundary but you are coming dangerously close to crossing it and there is no undoing it. I would steer clear of it in the future myself |
Anonymous
| The "boozy, flirty" out of town dinner is a hugely slippery slope. |
Anonymous
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You don't just have to have intercourse for it to be considered cheating, you know.
And only you know what your husband will consider cheating. I know I'd consider it cheating. |
Anonymous
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I suspect the lady thinks the dinners are flirty, but the guy thinks it's just normal chatting. He would probably think you are crazy.
I hang out with the same male colleague at our annual conference. It's not a big deal. Nothing inappropriate. Some deep conversations (with me listening more than talking---or offering advice to him). No touching other than a hug goodnight...which is customary among our peer group (male and female). Honestly, my husband could join us when we hang out and I would behave the exact same way. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| You have a crush. Cut contact, and certainly don't go out to any boozy dinners. Fix your marriage. You're not in your 20s and single, and that's a good thing. So much you could lose, and not much at all to gain in the long term, ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved on either side. |
Anonymous
| OP - How would you feel if the tables were turned? |
Anonymous
OP here. I think I would be ok if the tables were turned. |
Anonymous
Whatever makes you feel better about your skanky behavior. |
Anonymous
| You already made your decision to sleep with him next month. You realize that, no? |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, it's a crush. I don't think a crush is as dangerous as you think it is. It's not like I'm in love or anything. It's a crush. |
Anonymous
flirty --why would you? |