S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship, you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it.

And yet, if you were having an affair you'd have all kinds of extra energy for sex with the new guy even with this exhausting schedule.

I have no way to disprove this because I'm not an ahole who would have an affair.

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

No. You just don't want to hear the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

No. You just don't want to hear the other side.

I've memorized the other side of the argument. Variations of this thread are a staple here on DCUM and your argument is similarly routine. You, on the other hand gave zero consideration to point I raised. For the record, I'm not saying both parties don't have a role to play in fixing things. My take on it, however, is that instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong or using external factors such as packed schedules and kids as excuses, we focus on how we can change ourselves to make things better. And this doesn't mean the men take on more chores and buy flowers and candy while the women take one for the team one more time per week. It means looking within to understand why what once was so easy now takes so much effort.

[Anonymous]

So, if I never took her on dates or bought flowers and was generally a fairly shitty boyfriend & she wanted to have lots of sex then; I can blame her now 20 years later, when she doesn't want to have sex even though I am a much better husband than I was a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, if I never took her on dates or bought flowers and was generally a fairly shitty boyfriend & she wanted to have lots of sex then; I can blame her now 20 years later, when she doesn't want to have sex even though I am a much better husband than I was a boyfriend?

No in that case you're just a shitty partner who should be grateful that you got some at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if I never took her on dates or bought flowers and was generally a fairly shitty boyfriend & she wanted to have lots of sex then; I can blame her now 20 years later, when she doesn't want to have sex even though I am a much better husband than I was a boyfriend?

No in that case you're just a shitty partner who should be grateful that you got some at all

And there you have it, folks. This is it distilled to its essence: you're lucky you get any at all, men, so just sit down and shut up. But don't sit down too long, you have chores to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

No. You just don't want to hear the other side.

I've memorized the other side of the argument. Variations of this thread are a staple here on DCUM and your argument is similarly routine. You, on the other hand gave zero consideration to point I raised. For the record, I'm not saying both parties don't have a role to play in fixing things. My take on it, however, is that instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong or using external factors such as packed schedules and kids as excuses, we focus on how we can change ourselves to make things better. And this doesn't mean the men take on more chores and buy flowers and candy while the women take one for the team one more time per week. It means looking within to understand why what once was so easy now takes so much effort.

I'd give similar advice to your wife but she's not here. So the reason the phenomenon you're describing happens here is because you are the one asking why things are the way you are. You just want a bunch of people to say that your wife sucks and this is all her fault.

You reject the advice and feedback you have gotten from a multitude of people here because you want to wallow. If you want to wallow wallow but don't get pissy when people try to help you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if I never took her on dates or bought flowers and was generally a fairly shitty boyfriend & she wanted to have lots of sex then; I can blame her now 20 years later, when she doesn't want to have sex even though I am a much better husband than I was a boyfriend?

No in that case you're just a shitty partner who should be grateful that you got some at all

And there you have it, folks. This is it distilled to its essence: you're lucky you get any at all, men, so just sit down and shut up. But don't sit down too long, you have chores to do.

Yes if you are a crappy partner you should be grateful you have a partner at all. Man or woman that applies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.

Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

You have entirely missed the point.

No. You just don't want to hear the other side.

I've memorized the other side of the argument. Variations of this thread are a staple here on DCUM and your argument is similarly routine. You, on the other hand gave zero consideration to point I raised. For the record, I'm not saying both parties don't have a role to play in fixing things. My take on it, however, is that instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong or using external factors such as packed schedules and kids as excuses, we focus on how we can change ourselves to make things better. And this doesn't mean the men take on more chores and buy flowers and candy while the women take one for the team one more time per week. It means looking within to understand why what once was so easy now takes so much effort.

I'd give similar advice to your wife but she's not here. So the reason the phenomenon you're describing happens here is because you are the one asking why things are the way you are. You just want a bunch of people to say that your wife sucks and this is all her fault.

You reject the advice and feedback you have gotten from a multitude of people here because you want to wallow. If you want to wallow wallow but don't get pissy when people try to help you out.

The problem with anonymous posting is that people (like you, apparently) always assume every post is from the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

Not trying to be dense. Help me out though, I'm confused by your advice:
a) wife has evolved (this is good?) but I have not kept up with her (this is bad?)
b) I too have changed (this is bad?) because I am not the flower-bringing/laughing/flirting guy she dated

So are you saying I need to evolve (into what?), or I need to revert back (flowers/dates/etc)?
Please be specific. I'm a man and lack powers of intuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications.

Not trying to be dense. Help me out though, I'm confused by your advice:
a) wife has evolved (this is good?) but I have not kept up with her (this is bad?)
b) I too have changed (this is bad?) because I am not the flower-bringing/laughing/flirting guy she dated

So are you saying I need to evolve (into what?), or I need to revert back (flowers/dates/etc)?
Please be specific. I'm a man and lack powers of intuition.

I'm not putting good or bad qualifiers on either person's changing. I am just pointing out the issue with saying, 'in the beginning my wife liked to have sex three times a day' because the reality is that you are probably not acting the way you did then either. So its a bit unfair to complain she changed when you likely changed too. But the change in and of itself isn't good or bad, it just is and, largely, is inevitable.

IMO, the way you keep things lively is to make sure you're growing together. That you both understand each other and can empathize with the other's position. If you are feeling loving and generous towards each other, than you will want to make her feel good and she will want to meet your needs. A healthy bond means an active desire to make the other person happy which (usually) means sex.

All of this requires your wives to be putting in some effort too. But breaking the cycle of anger and resentment has to start somewhere.