Reply to S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well I am the PP who has talked about how I do put effort into my relationship. So I do agree that is an essential element.

But I think the type of person that would seek out an affair is simply a thrill seeker and a jackass. As for things generally being better in the sex department in the beginning, I don't know. I think that most guys here probably really don't understand their wives. And that is likely partly on the wives. You seem to think that you have remained entirely static and your wife has changed. But that is probably part of the problem, you haven't evolved with her, you don't understand who she is today. You are mourning the woman you married but you were stupid to think that someone would remain the same forever, that isn't how people work. You likely are far more different than you realize. Are you the guy she dated? Taking her out on dates and bringing her flowers? Making sure to be on your game for holidays? Laughing and flirting around the house?

I see very few men on here taking responsibility for THEIR part in the equation, which is why you get such pushback from the women here. There is no quick fix if you aren't having sex. It means everything that made you two love each other, all those ties that bind you together are fraying. It is a symptom not a cause. Of course if we broke up and I started dating someone new I would be more free and energetic in that relationship, it would be meaningless. No baggage, no emotions, no complications. [/quote]
Not trying to be dense. Help me out though, I'm confused by your advice:
a) wife has evolved (this is good?) but I have not kept up with her (this is bad?)
b) I too have changed (this is bad?) because I am not the flower-bringing/laughing/flirting guy she dated

So are you saying I need to evolve (into what?), or I need to revert back (flowers/dates/etc)?
Please be specific. I'm a man and lack powers of intuition.[/quote]

I'm not putting good or bad qualifiers on either person's changing. I am just pointing out the issue with saying, 'in the beginning my wife liked to have sex three times a day' because the reality is that you are probably not acting the way you did then either. So its a bit unfair to complain she changed when you likely changed too. But the change in and of itself isn't good or bad, it just is and, largely, is inevitable.

IMO, the way you keep things lively is to make sure you're growing together. That you both understand each other and can empathize with the other's position. If you are feeling loving and generous towards each other, than you will want to make her feel good and she will want to meet your needs. A healthy bond means an active desire to make the other person happy which (usually) means sex.

All of this requires your wives to be putting in some effort too. But breaking the cycle of anger and resentment has to start somewhere. [/quote]

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