S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am not the pp, but he still has to initiate most of the time. I don't know about the pp, but for me this wasn't a one for one deal. His taking over a substantial amount of the chores/childcare on a permanent basis made it so that generally I was more interested in sex. It also gave me more time to work out, take on additional projects and get more accolades at work, spend more time having positive experiences with my children, etc. and this probably led to my being more interested in sex as well.

NP here. AYFKM? Really? At what point are you going to show this poor bastard some appreciation? I have a feeling you aren't telling us all of the hoops he has to jump through to get some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am the PP. My DH and I both initiate fairly frequently. I tend to have an 'acceptable length of time' in my head ie, if its been a week then I am focused on making it happen because if I let it go longer then that I tend to get into a rut. If I make sure it happens at least once a week then it frequently will happen more often then that. But my DH and I aren't really keeping score. I used to early on as he is not a frequent initiator but it takes a lot of energy and was souring our relationship.

The biggest sex problems we ever had were in TTC. It was so stressful. I was so relieved when, after we had the baby, sex became fun an enjoyable again. That was a hard time. But neither of us blamed the other for causing the stagnation, so when the stress went away, we were open to being happy again. Resentment is poison to marriage IMO. And once it starts to flow its really hard to reverse the damage.

I guess to get to your original question, I don't know, it depends on the day. Him doing half the work on a regular basis opens the door to a normal and happy and generous sex life. That doesn't mean every day I see him washing dishes I jump his bones. It doesn't mean that every day when I come home he is hanging all over me telling me all the gold-star-bjs he's earned. It means there is a general atmosphere of happiness and attraction and gratitude that leads to regular sexual interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that men, no matter what they do, cannot create libido (sex drive) in women. If a woman is low libido, a man can buy her flowers, treat her well, do chores, take her on dates, take care of the kids, equally share all responsibilities, etc., and he MAY get sex in return, but it will stem from a place of gratitude or obligation and not from instinctual drive, and it will therefore be temporary. The frustrating part for men is that there are just enough high drive women out there, including an artificially high concentration on these boards, that they haven't surrendered all hope that such good fortune should be theirs through their own DWs.

+1

Doing chores around the house is only good in the sense that it may reduce resentment. But this still doesn't make her attracted to you. It just removes a negative.

The harsh reality is, for her to be attracted to you, you must actually be attractive. For men, this includes the obvious stuff -- being in decent shape and coming across as a competent guy with a decent job; a person that people respect.

There is another factor that women don't like to fess up to: If she knows that other women don't see you as attractive, and men don't seem to respect you, it dampens her own feelings about you. If she knows that other women are attracted to you, it's a turn on. What women are attracted to seems more determined by social context than men.

This isn't a license to start flirting and trying to "make her jealous." It's just a dynamic to be aware of. Be realistic about where you are in the sexual attractiveness pecking order. If she's really into you, it shouldn't require the moon and the planets to be in perfect alignment for things to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am not the pp, but he still has to initiate most of the time. I don't know about the pp, but for me this wasn't a one for one deal. His taking over a substantial amount of the chores/childcare on a permanent basis made it so that generally I was more interested in sex. It also gave me more time to work out, take on additional projects and get more accolades at work, spend more time having positive experiences with my children, etc. and this probably led to my being more interested in sex as well.

NP here. AYFKM? Really? At what point are you going to show this poor bastard some appreciation? I have a feeling you aren't telling us all of the hoops he has to jump through to get some.

Wow. He has to help parent his own children in a significant way almost every day, do a significant amount of the chores (not most, but like 25%...enough that it is noticible for me...I'm not asking him to cook and do laundry or anything), and let me know when he wants to have sex, then he needs to be attentive to my needs when we have sex. Are these really ridiculous hoops?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am not the pp, but he still has to initiate most of the time. I don't know about the pp, but for me this wasn't a one for one deal. His taking over a substantial amount of the chores/childcare on a permanent basis made it so that generally I was more interested in sex. It also gave me more time to work out, take on additional projects and get more accolades at work, spend more time having positive experiences with my children, etc. and this probably led to my being more interested in sex as well.

NP here. AYFKM? Really? At what point are you going to show this poor bastard some appreciation? I have a feeling you aren't telling us all of the hoops he has to jump through to get some.

Wow. He has to help parent his own children in a significant way almost every day, do a significant amount of the chores (not most, but like 25%...enough that it is noticible for me...I'm not asking him to cook and do laundry or anything), and let me know when he wants to have sex, then he needs to be attentive to my needs when we have sex. Are these really ridiculous hoops?

Either you're not that attracted to him, or you're not that sexual. You should want to have sex because you have an urge to do so, not because you are "giving in" to his requests upon condition that he satisfactorily completes various tasks.

[Anonymous]

Just when I start getting insight into how various women perceive these dynamics -- maybe gaining some useful insight about how my wife might react to various approaches, it turns into a gender-war pissing match.

The fact is that there is a lot of shit that needs to get done in a family. It's also a fact with more women than men that their libido is more fragile. This creates hurdles, but they aren't insurmountable if husband and wife are both generally considerate of each other.

[Anonymous]

Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

This wife says YES!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

This wife says YES!!

How YOU doin'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

Except I don't think most of the people who have been writing serious responses would say yes. But once again yes, easier to blame women and say they are just being assholes than to think about the deep complexities that are really going on in complex long term relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

Except I don't think most of the people who have been writing serious responses would say yes. But once again yes, easier to blame women and say they are just being assholes than to think about the deep complexities that are really going on in complex long term relationships

How do you know what they would say? And how is this blaming women? It's a simple question that goes to a neglected part of the discussion about female sexuality in monogamous relationships. Like every other part of this complex subject, the answers would probably be wide and varied with many nuances that are as individual as the women answering the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

Except I don't think most of the people who have been writing serious responses would say yes. But once again yes, easier to blame women and say they are just being assholes than to think about the deep complexities that are really going on in complex long term relationships

How do you know what they would say? And how is this blaming women? It's a simple question that goes to a neglected part of the discussion about female sexuality in monogamous relationships. Like every other part of this complex subject, the answers would probably be wide and varied with many nuances that are as individual as the women answering the question.

There have been very few posters here talking about how they want to leave their husbands. There have been quite a few trying to offer real suggestions on how they'd improve their relationships with their husbands.

Perhaps 'blame' is the wrong word. But to reduce this entire conversation to, 'women just want a new guy to screw' is so reductive of what many posters have been saying that I think its, at minimum extremely dismissive and disrespectful of the posters who have been trying to have a constructive conversation. I want to cheat on my husband is not a sentiment I've heard echoed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original question: "Ladies - would you have sex more often if your spouse was really good in bed?"

After reading 11 pages of responses, the reason ladies aren't having sex clearly is NOT the spouse's performance in bed. Very few posts even allude to sexual performance. It is the typical marriage resentments/tired/choreplay stuff.

So the answer to this thread is: NO!

+1

The question should be, Ladies, would you rather have sex with another guy instead of your husband?

Except I don't think most of the people who have been writing serious responses would say yes. But once again yes, easier to blame women and say they are just being assholes than to think about the deep complexities that are really going on in complex long term relationships

How do you know what they would say? And how is this blaming women? It's a simple question that goes to a neglected part of the discussion about female sexuality in monogamous relationships. Like every other part of this complex subject, the answers would probably be wide and varied with many nuances that are as individual as the women answering the question.

There have been very few posters here talking about how they want to leave their husbands. There have been quite a few trying to offer real suggestions on how they'd improve their relationships with their husbands.

Perhaps 'blame' is the wrong word. But to reduce this entire conversation to, 'women just want a new guy to screw' is so reductive of what many posters have been saying that I think its, at minimum extremely dismissive and disrespectful of the posters who have been trying to have a constructive conversation. I want to cheat on my husband is not a sentiment I've heard echoed here.

The question wasn't would you cheat or would you leave your husband, it was: "would you RATHER have sex with another man than your husband?" You're conflating cheating and leaving with a simple question about desire. The answer does not preclude all of the other positive things you mention and, in fact, I think if many women faced this possibility about their own sexuality in the context of their marriage they might find a new approach to rebuilding their desire for their own husbands that doesn't include rationalizing away their lack of desire for them or looking for it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Women want to desire sex with their long term relationship. But their bodies often just aren't wired that way.