S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Women really would rather divorce than put out regularly???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it is "tricking" because you exchanged vows to forsake all others and this came at a time when you actually had interest and passion for sex. No man would ever make such a promise with a disinterested partner.

I can respect somebody who at least acknowledges their loss of interest is unfair and allows the sexually interested partner to find it elsewhere.

Tricking implies the woman did it on purpose or knew it was going to happen. Which is rarely the case. Do you feel like your wife should be able to abandon ship if your junk stops working at 48? Then you should be open to her opening up shop to all the young studs right? It's only fair!

But she is, on purpose, choosing NOT to have sex. That's different than a physical issue like ED.
If my junk stops working, there are alot of other ways for me to satisfy my wife on a regular basis.
If I however choose NOT to meet her sexual needs in some intimate way, then YES, I should let her find it elsewhere.
Agreed that is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Women really would rather divorce than put out regularly???

Everything in this thread is taken to the extreme. I would rather divorce if I was married to someone who cheated on me instead of working out our sexual issues yes. I would accept my husband divorcing me because we weren't a good match although that would suck a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Women really would rather divorce than put out regularly???

Everything in this thread is taken to the extreme. I would rather divorce if I was married to someone who cheated on me instead of working out our sexual issues yes. I would accept my husband divorcing me because we weren't a good match although that would suck a lot.

NP here. How willing are you to work out your sexual issues (hypothetically; I have no idea whether you do or don't in your marriage)? Many here don't seem all that concerned with working out their sexual issues with their husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Women really would rather divorce than put out regularly???

Everything in this thread is taken to the extreme. I would rather divorce if I was married to someone who cheated on me instead of working out our sexual issues yes. I would accept my husband divorcing me because we weren't a good match although that would suck a lot.

NP here. How willing are you to work out your sexual issues (hypothetically; I have no idea whether you do or don't in your marriage)? Many here don't seem all that concerned with working out their sexual issues with their husband.

I personally am very open to working on issues that might arise (I do not have this issue with my DH). But I will say that if my DH framed it in this way, ie, my sexual problem was a make-or-break issue in our marriage and that if I was unable to bring myself to the level he expected with the enthusiasm he expected than he would feel entitled to go outside our marriage to meet that need. If he framed the problem that way I would likely feel very hurt and it would really impact my trust in his commitment to me and our relationship which would do nothing but exacerbate the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Women really would rather divorce than put out regularly???

Everything in this thread is taken to the extreme. I would rather divorce if I was married to someone who cheated on me instead of working out our sexual issues yes. I would accept my husband divorcing me because we weren't a good match although that would suck a lot.

NP here. How willing are you to work out your sexual issues (hypothetically; I have no idea whether you do or don't in your marriage)? Many here don't seem all that concerned with working out their sexual issues with their husband.

I personally am very open to working on issues that might arise (I do not have this issue with my DH). But I will say that if my DH framed it in this way, ie, my sexual problem was a make-or-break issue in our marriage and that if I was unable to bring myself to the level he expected with the enthusiasm he expected than he would feel entitled to go outside our marriage to meet that need. If he framed the problem that way I would likely feel very hurt and it would really impact my trust in his commitment to me and our relationship which would do nothing but exacerbate the issue.

I definitely understand how an ultimatum would be hurtful, but I think a man who is driven to the point of making ultimatums has probably tried everything else short of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I personally am very open to working on issues that might arise (I do not have this issue with my DH). But I will say that if my DH framed it in this way, ie, my sexual problem was a make-or-break issue in our marriage and that if I was unable to bring myself to the level he expected with the enthusiasm he expected than he would feel entitled to go outside our marriage to meet that need. If he framed the problem that way I would likely feel very hurt and it would really impact my trust in his commitment to me and our relationship which would do nothing but exacerbate the issue.

Glad you don't have this issue. I don't think you fully grasp the gravity of the situation some men face in a marriage where the sex has dropped off. Those marriages are swirling the bowl and well beyond sentiments like "feeling hurt" and "impacting trust" and "exacerbate the issue".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I personally am very open to working on issues that might arise (I do not have this issue with my DH). But I will say that if my DH framed it in this way, ie, my sexual problem was a make-or-break issue in our marriage and that if I was unable to bring myself to the level he expected with the enthusiasm he expected than he would feel entitled to go outside our marriage to meet that need. If he framed the problem that way I would likely feel very hurt and it would really impact my trust in his commitment to me and our relationship which would do nothing but exacerbate the issue.

Glad you don't have this issue. I don't think you fully grasp the gravity of the situation some men face in a marriage where the sex has dropped off. Those marriages are swirling the bowl and well beyond sentiments like "feeling hurt" and "impacting trust" and "exacerbate the issue".

I don't have this issue CURRENTLY with my DH but we have had dry spells. I posted in another thread about how I put effort into revving the machine back into gear and got a bunch of posters like you saying that you don't want your wife to have to 'put in effort' to find you attractive.

IMO we got through the dry spells because we realized what was happening at the beginning and made an effort. We didn't allow years of frustration and bitterness to well up. Because I guarantee you that they way you are handling it is exacerbating the issue.

I have said this many times in these threads but a sex problem isn't a sex problem (unless its medical) its a relationship problem. And you need to think about healing the relationship, not about just having good sex again. And your wife will likely need to get some distance down the healing road before she's going to be super enthusiastic about rocking and rolling with you again. My DH would happily wait until I was comfortable if we were having an issue. That makes me not want to wait. These issues are circular and the longer you spend pointing the finger and throwing a tantrum the less likely you are to find your way back to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship, you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it.

[Anonymous]

But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship, you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it.

And yet, if you were having an affair you'd have all kinds of extra energy for sex with the new guy even with this exhausting schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship, you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it.

And yet, if you were having an affair you'd have all kinds of extra energy for sex with the new guy even with this exhausting schedule.

I have no way to disprove this because I'm not an ahole who would have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.)

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship, you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it.

And yet, if you were having an affair you'd have all kinds of extra energy for sex with the new guy even with this exhausting schedule.

I have no way to disprove this because I'm not an ahole who would have an affair.

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new. The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you. It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded. But that has to come from within. He'll be the same guy either way. You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z. Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.