S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

Well, last Saturday, my husband took me out on a date that he arranged. He told me before we left that he wanted to have sex that night. During the date, he told me several times how beautiful I was and how proud he was to have me as his wife. Before we walked in the door, he made sure that he had cash in hand so we could quickly get the babysitter out and head to the bedroom.

But this depends on the woman. I have had five kids and work at a busy doctors office that sees mostly heroin addicts. I don't feel beautiful all that often, and I rarely get to let go and have someone else be the boss. So I love this. But if your wife is very beautiful, but is told what to do all day long, telling her that she is beautiful and you want to have sex with her probably won't work. She probably needs you to tell her how important she is and how much you value her work in your family, and maybe even role play that you are completely in her control.

I really agree with the pp in this thread that the point is the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

You tan?

[Anonymous]

I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

This. Biochemistry plays a huge role. For some reason this is either dismissed or overlooked. Perhaps attributing our response to hormones and brain chemicals just isn't very romantic. Perhaps it's just more satisfying to blame others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

But sex is better than anything else, in terms of physical release and connectedness. I've been having less sex than I wanted for 20+ years though, maybe that's the difference. No matter how tired or not in the mood I am, I always say yes to my husband because it may be 5 or 6 days before he wants it again. I am sex insecure lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I personally am very open to working on issues that might arise (I do not have this issue with my DH). But I will say that if my DH framed it in this way, ie, my sexual problem was a make-or-break issue in our marriage and that if I was unable to bring myself to the level he expected with the enthusiasm he expected than he would feel entitled to go outside our marriage to meet that need. If he framed the problem that way I would likely feel very hurt and it would really impact my trust in his commitment to me and our relationship which would do nothing but exacerbate the issue.

Glad you don't have this issue. I don't think you fully grasp the gravity of the situation some men face in a marriage where the sex has dropped off. Those marriages are swirling the bowl and well beyond sentiments like "feeling hurt" and "impacting trust" and "exacerbate the issue".

I don't have this issue CURRENTLY with my DH but we have had dry spells. I posted in another thread about how I put effort into revving the machine back into gear and got a bunch of posters like you saying that you don't want your wife to have to 'put in effort' to find you attractive.

IMO we got through the dry spells because we realized what was happening at the beginning and made an effort. We didn't allow years of frustration and bitterness to well up. Because I guarantee you that they way you are handling it is exacerbating the issue.

I have said this many times in these threads but a sex problem isn't a sex problem (unless its medical) its a relationship problem. And you need to think about healing the relationship, not about just having good sex again. And your wife will likely need to get some distance down the healing road before she's going to be super enthusiastic about rocking and rolling with you again. My DH would happily wait until I was comfortable if we were having an issue. That makes me not want to wait. These issues are circular and the longer you spend pointing the finger and throwing a tantrum the less likely you are to find your way back to each other.

It's really difficult when the sex is both a physical problem as well as a relationship one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together). Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning.

But sex is better than anything else, in terms of physical release and connectedness for you. I've been having less sex than I wanted for 20+ years though, maybe that's the difference. No matter how tired or not in the mood I am, I always say yes to my husband because it may be 5 or 6 days before he wants it again. I am sex insecure lol.

FTFY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

Do you know how crappy this makes me feel, as a woman with higher than normal sex drive married to a man with lower than average sex drive? I just really need to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

Do you know how crappy this makes me feel, as a woman with higher than normal sex drive married to a man with lower than average sex drive? I just really need to have an affair.

Not saying this to be mean, but this is what it's like to be a married man in far too many marriages. I hope the women on this thread express sympathy for you because they have none for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

Do you know how crappy this makes me feel, as a woman with higher than normal sex drive married to a man with lower than average sex drive? I just really need to have an affair.

Not saying this to be mean, but this is what it's like to be a married man in far too many marriages. I hope the women on this thread express sympathy for you because they have none for us.

If you can't see that a lot of the advice people are giving comes from a place of compassion towards you general situation than that is a decent indicator of what your problem is.

A LOT of posters here have talked about sex is important, OF COURSE it is terrible to be rejected by your spouse. But you see providing suggestions as lack of sympathy, which IS your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

You really do all that stuff daily? Is that actually a fair/equitable distribution of work between you and H?
If not, then this is a problem that needs permanent fixing, and not just for 1 day so H can get laid.

Assuming your baseline is already fair, then it seems your baseline workload tires you out too much leaving you no interest in sex.
Which sounds like the BOTH of you, as a couple, have TOO much going on.
So I would go back through ALL the stuff that both you and H do on a daily basis (including your stuff listed above) and I would look for drastic ways to outsource and/or eliminate non-critical work, then I would fairly re-balance whatever remains. The net effect is you should BOTH have less to do, and YOU have more energy for sex. Right?!
Any other answer is simply unfair and not sustainable for either of you.

Definitely I'd bring you a glass of wine and listen to your fantasies. My pleasure, nothing hard about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're too dismissive of the hormonal issue. Men have loads of testosterone which makes their sexual interest easy to spark. Women's hormonal make up makes their sexual interest tougher to spark than a man's, in most cases; but: a) early in a relationship, and b) when she's younger, the hormones caused by those things make her sexual interest easier to spark than it is when she and the relationship age.

That's nobody's fault, but it's not helpful to rationalize that sex is harder to come by because the guy became less romantic rather than acknowledge the role blood chemistry plays in the whole situation.

Do you know how crappy this makes me feel, as a woman with higher than normal sex drive married to a man with lower than average sex drive? I just really need to have an affair.

Not saying this to be mean, but this is what it's like to be a married man in far too many marriages. I hope the women on this thread express sympathy for you because they have none for us.

If you can't see that a lot of the advice people are giving comes from a place of compassion towards you general situation than that is a decent indicator of what your problem is.

A LOT of posters here have talked about sex is important, OF COURSE it is terrible to be rejected by your spouse. But you see providing suggestions as lack of sympathy, which IS your problem.

Not sure who you're talking to. I certainly never posted here asking for advice nor did I describe MY general situation. I was merely making commentary. I'm sure somebody appreciated your advice, though I'm not sure who it was directed to. As I recall, OP didn't ask for advice either. I think he was basically taking a poll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

You really do all that stuff daily? Is that actually a fair/equitable distribution of work between you and H?
If not, then this is a problem that needs permanent fixing, and not just for 1 day so H can get laid.

Assuming your baseline is already fair, then it seems your baseline workload tires you out too much leaving you no interest in sex.
Which sounds like the BOTH of you, as a couple, have TOO much going on.
So I would go back through ALL the stuff that both you and H do on a daily basis (including your stuff listed above) and I would look for drastic ways to outsource and/or eliminate non-critical work, then I would fairly re-balance whatever remains. The net effect is you should BOTH have less to do, and YOU have more energy for sex. Right?!
Any other answer is simply unfair and not sustainable for either of you.

Definitely I'd bring you a glass of wine and listen to your fantasies. My pleasure, nothing hard about that.

New poster here, but those all sound like pretty typical daily household work to me.

Take kids to activities/school/aftercare.
Fix/eat dinner.
Dishes
Supervise showers.
Supervise homework.
Laundry

If you add in a baby with what sounds like early ES kids, there is another whole set of tasks to be done after work.

I feel like a lot of men don't know this. Just like a lot of men feel like women don't know how important sex is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

I'm sure you believe this. It may even be true for you. But my wife (and I suspect more than a few women) have a tendency to move the goal posts. "I would want sex if [list of things]." When [list of things] is forthcoming, there are always other things. But not a desire for sex. And it's not because she's mean or doesn't care about me or is trying to mislead me. I'm pretty sure it's almost entirely attributable to biochemistry.