S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, getting back to the original question: yes, if my husband would use what I've told him about how to get me to melt (just complete undivided attention to touch and response) then he'd get a tremendous return on that investment. Instead, he's all about his own ego, and thinks what I want means he has to do all the work so he won't do it. For him sex seems to be all about resentment and selfish pride. So, not happening.

Men are the pursuers, it's in the DNA. Modern men either don't know how or can't be bothered to 'seduce' their wives (and I don't mean flowers or doing the dishes.) So they get what they deserve.

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

I'm sure you believe this. It may even be true for you. But my wife (and I suspect more than a few women) have a tendency to move the goal posts. "I would want sex if [list of things]." When [list of things] is forthcoming, there are always other things. But not a desire for sex. And it's not because she's mean or doesn't care about me or is trying to mislead me. I'm pretty sure it's almost entirely attributable to biochemistry.

I have heard female friends say this. I have never ever seen their husbands actually do it.
I know for a fact that the dad who is coaching the kids soccer team and coming to get them from school days he gets off work early is getting plenty of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

For me, it would be:

take care of driving the kids to activities, feeding them dinner and supervise them taking showers and making their lunches. Make sure homework is done. I do all of those things daily.

Then, tell me to forget doing any laundry that night. Bring me a glass of wine. Ask me what my fantasies are. Really listen to the response.

With me so far?

You really do all that stuff daily? Is that actually a fair/equitable distribution of work between you and H?
If not, then this is a problem that needs permanent fixing, and not just for 1 day so H can get laid.

Assuming your baseline is already fair, then it seems your baseline workload tires you out too much leaving you no interest in sex.
Which sounds like the BOTH of you, as a couple, have TOO much going on.
So I would go back through ALL the stuff that both you and H do on a daily basis (including your stuff listed above) and I would look for drastic ways to outsource and/or eliminate non-critical work, then I would fairly re-balance whatever remains. The net effect is you should BOTH have less to do, and YOU have more energy for sex. Right?!
Any other answer is simply unfair and not sustainable for either of you.

Definitely I'd bring you a glass of wine and listen to your fantasies. My pleasure, nothing hard about that.

It's the story of my life, so no, not equitable. He doesn't want to hear my fantasies because he's intimidated by my sexuality and repressed. Won't even give oral because "I didn't used to like it."

[Anonymous]

New poster here, but those all sound like pretty typical daily household work to me.

Take kids to activities/school/aftercare.
Fix/eat dinner.
Dishes
Supervise showers.
Supervise homework.
Laundry

If you add in a baby with what sounds like early ES kids, there is another whole set of tasks to be done after work.

I feel like a lot of men don't know this. Just like a lot of men feel like women don't know how important sex is.

The post which you responded to acknowledged these are routine things, and specifically asked if these things were all evenly split with husband. Not sure why you felt the need to redundantly point out what's already been acknowledged.

you have also overlooked the point about reviewing ALL of the workload of both partners and looking for things to outsource and not do, so as to ensure neither parent is too tired for maintaining the marriage intimate. That might even mean that one of the high effort/low reward kid activities gets dropped. Oh well, this might be a worthwhile trade off for a strong marriage

[Anonymous]

It's the story of my life, so no, not equitable. He doesn't want to hear my fantasies because he's intimidated by my sexuality and repressed. Won't even give oral because "I didn't used to like it.

Then it sounds like your H is not genuinely interested in being a full partner, and maybe doesn't have a very strong sex drive either.
I'm assuming you aren't a SuperMom with an infinite list of kid related things that you want him to split, each time he steps up, here comes a new kid activity.

He won't even do oral? Doesn't sound like this thread applies in your marriage then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

New poster here, but those all sound like pretty typical daily household work to me.

Take kids to activities/school/aftercare.
Fix/eat dinner.
Dishes
Supervise showers.
Supervise homework.
Laundry

If you add in a baby with what sounds like early ES kids, there is another whole set of tasks to be done after work.

I feel like a lot of men don't know this. Just like a lot of men feel like women don't know how important sex is.

The post which you responded to acknowledged these are routine things, and specifically asked if these things were all evenly split with husband. Not sure why you felt the need to redundantly point out what's already been acknowledged.

you have also overlooked the point about reviewing ALL of the workload of both partners and looking for things to outsource and not do, so as to ensure neither parent is too tired for maintaining the marriage intimate. That might even mean that one of the high effort/low reward kid activities gets dropped. Oh well, this might be a worthwhile trade off for a strong marriage

That man seemed shocked that these things needed to be done every day.

What high effort/low reward activity do you see above? Feeding your children? Bathing them? Picking them up from school? You really want to outsource that stuff? Have someone else have dinner with your kids every night while you have sex in the back bedroom? Some of the men on here have such ridiculous requirements for a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

New poster here, but those all sound like pretty typical daily household work to me.

Take kids to activities/school/aftercare.
Fix/eat dinner.
Dishes
Supervise showers.
Supervise homework.
Laundry

If you add in a baby with what sounds like early ES kids, there is another whole set of tasks to be done after work.

I feel like a lot of men don't know this. Just like a lot of men feel like women don't know how important sex is.

The post which you responded to acknowledged these are routine things, and specifically asked if these things were all evenly split with husband. Not sure why you felt the need to redundantly point out what's already been acknowledged.

you have also overlooked the point about reviewing ALL of the workload of both partners and looking for things to outsource and not do, so as to ensure neither parent is too tired for maintaining the marriage intimate. That might even mean that one of the high effort/low reward kid activities gets dropped. Oh well, this might be a worthwhile trade off for a strong marriage

That man seemed shocked that these things needed to be done every day.

What high effort/low reward activity do you see above? Feeding your children? Bathing them? Picking them up from school? You really want to outsource that stuff? Have someone else have dinner with your kids every night while you have sex in the back bedroom? Some of the men on here have such ridiculous requirements for a strong marriage.

You misread the post. Not shock at all, but ascertaining if the things that woman was listing as "seductive" are in fact just her normal day. As to a outsourcing, you again misread. It wasn't directed at *that* list of stuff per-se, rather at the *total* combined list of both partners. Make sense now?
Some women on here ridiculous standards for what they seem to be "essential stuff that must be done and partner should split" which leads to exhaustion and resentment and inhibits sex drive. The "list of stuff" needs to be right sized and in fact must include proper attention to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

By the way, I do see outsourcing opportunities and possible high/effort low reward in her original list. She mentioned making lunches and doing laundry. Well how old are the kids? Maybe they can make a sandwich or put towels into the dryer. And she was vague about the driving to kids activities, is a carpool possible or can one of these just be skipped entirely?

The point is that if she's so run down by every day stuff that she doesn't want sex, then "help" with these things is NOT seductive at all. The overall daily schedule of both she and H needs rebalancing and should probably be reduced in any way possible.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is that men, no matter what they do, cannot create libido (sex drive) in women. If a woman is low libido, a man can buy her flowers, treat her well, do chores, take her on dates, take care of the kids, equally share all responsibilities, etc., and he MAY get sex in return, but it will stem from a place of gratitude or obligation and not from instinctual drive, and it will therefore be temporary. The frustrating part for men is that there are just enough high drive women out there, including an artificially high concentration on these boards, that they haven't surrendered all hope that such good fortune should be theirs through their own DWs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that men, no matter what they do, cannot create libido (sex drive) in women. If a woman is low libido, a man can buy her flowers, treat her well, do chores, take her on dates, take care of the kids, equally share all responsibilities, etc., and he MAY get sex in return, but it will stem from a place of gratitude or obligation and not from instinctual drive, and it will therefore be temporary. The frustrating part for men is that there are just enough high drive women out there, including an artificially high concentration on these boards, that they haven't surrendered all hope that such good fortune should be theirs through their own DWs.

QFT. As The Donald would say, "Sad!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that men, no matter what they do, cannot create libido (sex drive) in women. If a woman is low libido, a man can buy her flowers, treat her well, do chores, take her on dates, take care of the kids, equally share all responsibilities, etc., and he MAY get sex in return, but it will stem from a place of gratitude or obligation and not from instinctual drive, and it will therefore be temporary. The frustrating part for men is that there are just enough high drive women out there, including an artificially high concentration on these boards, that they haven't surrendered all hope that such good fortune should be theirs through their own DWs.

Speaking as a low libido ex-DW, I don't get the women that want the husband to do more work as being seductive. Seductive would be touch, real and positive observations ("your husky voice is mesmerizing" for example), and noticing things you love about her in the middle of a routine activity, and more delicate touch, tiny feather kisses, whisper in ear, etc.. Please don't thing grabbing a boob is sexy. Please don't fart where she can notice it; leave the room if you're feeling gassy. Please don't immediately provide advice when she brings up an issue she's having; instead, listen carefully and ask questions to clarify, then ask what she's considering to solve it. Get her hot without asking anything in return (in fact, hold back on satisfying yourself until she's begging.

All that is sexy as hell. And my ex would not do any of it, one of many reasons he is now my ex.

[Anonymous]

Teach us to seduce. That's the exact point of this thread. Be specific.

Google mmsl. I wish my husband would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that men, no matter what they do, cannot create libido (sex drive) in women. If a woman is low libido, a man can buy her flowers, treat her well, do chores, take her on dates, take care of the kids, equally share all responsibilities, etc., and he MAY get sex in return, but it will stem from a place of gratitude or obligation and not from instinctual drive, and it will therefore be temporary. The frustrating part for men is that there are just enough high drive women out there, including an artificially high concentration on these boards, that they haven't surrendered all hope that such good fortune should be theirs through their own DWs.

Speaking as a low libido ex-DW, I don't get the women that want the husband to do more work as being seductive. Seductive would be touch, real and positive observations ("your husky voice is mesmerizing" for example), and noticing things you love about her in the middle of a routine activity, and more delicate touch, tiny feather kisses, whisper in ear, etc.. Please don't thing grabbing a boob is sexy. Please don't fart where she can notice it; leave the room if you're feeling gassy. Please don't immediately provide advice when she brings up an issue she's having; instead, listen carefully and ask questions to clarify, then ask what she's considering to solve it. Get her hot without asking anything in return (in fact, hold back on satisfying yourself until she's begging.

All that is sexy as hell. And my ex would not do any of it, one of many reasons he is now my ex.

I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am not the pp, but he still has to initiate most of the time. I don't know about the pp, but for me this wasn't a one for one deal. His taking over a substantial amount of the chores/childcare on a permanent basis made it so that generally I was more interested in sex. It also gave me more time to work out, take on additional projects and get more accolades at work, spend more time having positive experiences with my children, etc. and this probably led to my being more interested in sex as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it has more to do with setting the stage for successful seduction. I, for one, can't turn my brain off, so if I still need to do a load of laundry for the daycare bag, make bottles, make lunches and clean the kitchen and I want to be in bed early enough to not be exhausted the next day, I'm not going to be as loose and open to sex. If half of those things are done when I walk in the door then a) i have more time, b) i'm feeling happy and grateful towards my husband, c) i am less stressed. So suddenly getting in the mood and sex is less of another thing on the list I have to do and more of something I all of a sudden have the time and energy to really enjoy.

Now, at this point, where enough has been taken off of your "to do" list that you're more open to sex -- does your husband now have to read your mood and know to initiate, or is his doing the chores enough to get you to take the next step and make a move?

I am not the pp, but he still has to initiate most of the time. I don't know about the pp, but for me this wasn't a one for one deal. His taking over a substantial amount of the chores/childcare on a permanent basis made it so that generally I was more interested in sex. It also gave me more time to work out, take on additional projects and get more accolades at work, spend more time having positive experiences with my children, etc. and this probably led to my being more interested in sex as well.

Well, glad it worked out for you guys. Doesn't matter how much I do -- my wife will just find more stuff to take up her hours. She now has enough time & energy to train for marathons -- but is too busy & tired for sex.