Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

You've relegated him to second class citizen and keep this up he's going to find someone else who appreciates him or leave

http://www.newsweek.com/men-who-cheat-its-not-about-sex-appreciation-88859

He's trying to connect with you and you're turning him away. You should go to counseling and see what the issues are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to spell it out for him. "Do. Not. Grab. Me." And every time he does it, firmly tell him in the same exact words. Like a puppy.

My DH used to do this-- even come up behind me in the kitchen when I was at the stove or using a knife. This is what I had to do-- it was either that or drop a frying pan on his foot.

Boy, this thread is full of ice queens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

Exactly, it's not disgusting. This is not a drunk stranger at a bar, but your hot husband desiring you. I love when my husband does this.

Have you had a health checkup lately? Does premature ovarian failure run in your family?
Do you have regular periods? How is your thyroid functioning?

Bahahah! You sound like Dr. Phil, it's always the woman's fault if she doesn't want sex. They have pills on the market that will mess up a woman's health, but as long as the guys D is happy it's not important. What b.s.

Her DH doesn't like nor is he adept in home skills. Maybe he needs shock therapy, or hours listening to Home Show.
Maybe DH has testosterone problems, and needs Mr P checked out.

OP I wouldn't listen to the hateful, dried up old women egging you on towards celibacy. They don't have your best interests in mind.
Unless you want to be a hateful dried up old fart yourself. Then by all means go for it.

Sex is an important part of marriage and should be taken seriously. Otherwise you're just roommates with kids and a house full of animosity. I agree with this PP, there is a lot of dried up hags in here who don't care for your well being and will always be angry no matter what. See a couples councilor and hire some help to give you guys date nights and try to reconnect again. Spend time with each other and try to reunite the spark

[Anonymous]

OP, I can agree with you. I don't necessarily find my wife unattractive, but there is something to say about being bone tired and sex sort of taking a nose dive. I work 60 hours a week, do drop offs and pick ups for our three kids, do the primary care at home (cleaning cooking) and manage the details of our lives. (My wife has an illness that basically wipes her out by 3. We are trying to get to the bottom of it, but haven't found answers yet. It's been like this for a year). I am exhausted. And I have zero desire for sex with ANYONE right now.

As a test, we had my in-laws spend a week with the kids and went on vacation. Two days of sleeping and sex drive returned.

You can't discount exhaustion. I think it's the biggest libido killer. Even for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

It's great advice. Apparently his needs won't always top the list, as marriage is a balance.

The same way I can't force my husband to love cooking, or sewing; no one can force me to always love to have sex or put it #1. Isn't going to happen.

Marriage is a compromise. Perhaps if he helps more, compromises in other areas he might get more of his needs met. How it all works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

How are you supposed to enjoy the unenjoyable? If I told you you should eat raw chicken and enjoy it, would you? If her DH wants her to enjoy sex, he should make sure what he does is enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Certainly need to address the underlying relationship issues with some conversations, or perhaps a bit of couples therapy.

But my libido also took a nose dive after my DC was born and there was just nothing my DH could do to get me in the mood. But after a glass or two of wine and 30-45 mins reading literotica, I'd be good. YMMV of course...it may be worth deciding on a schedule that you can both agree to--not as frequent as he would like and more frequent than you would-- then on the days you agree, be takes care of the dishes etc while you do whatever it is that gets you in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

How are you supposed to enjoy the unenjoyable? If I told you you should eat raw chicken and enjoy it, would you? If her DH wants her to enjoy sex, he should make sure what he does is enjoyable.

So the answer is duty sex as opposed to finding the root of the issue and reigniting the spark? Okay got it...hope you're not married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

It's great advice. Apparently his needs won't always top the list, as marriage is a balance.

The same way I can't force my husband to love cooking, or sewing; no one can force me to always love to have sex or put it #1. Isn't going to happen.

Marriage is a compromise. Perhaps if he helps more, compromises in other areas he might get more of his needs met. How it all works.

Actually nope, it's horrible. Her husband won't take long to figure out its duty sex and coming from a man, that's almost as bad as no sex. Passionless sex or finding out your wife isn't into you is damaging to a guy. If OP doesn't find the issue her DH will find someone who will have sex with him and enjoy it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

How are you supposed to enjoy the unenjoyable? If I told you you should eat raw chicken and enjoy it, would you? If her DH wants her to enjoy sex, he should make sure what he does is enjoyable.

He's not going anywhere, even if he does with that behavior he'll get the same reaction. Many women are good fakers so she'll have to go with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

It's great advice. Apparently his needs won't always top the list, as marriage is a balance.

The same way I can't force my husband to love cooking, or sewing; no one can force me to always love to have sex or put it #1. Isn't going to happen.

Marriage is a compromise. Perhaps if he helps more, compromises in other areas he might get more of his needs met. How it all works.

Actually nope, it's horrible. Her husband won't take long to figure out its duty sex and coming from a man, that's almost as bad as no sex. Passionless sex or finding out your wife isn't into you is damaging to a guy. If OP doesn't find the issue her DH will find someone who will have sex with him and enjoy it

To add, liking sex to liking cooking or seeing makes me feel sorry for your husband. You should want to have sex with him as not only is it a physical thing it's a way to bond. Studies show couples that have more sex are not only happier but have a closer bond. Take from that what you will but it should certainly be a priority in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

It's great advice. Apparently his needs won't always top the list, as marriage is a balance.

The same way I can't force my husband to love cooking, or sewing; no one can force me to always love to have sex or put it #1. Isn't going to happen.

Marriage is a compromise. Perhaps if he helps more, compromises in other areas he might get more of his needs met. How it all works.

Actually nope, it's horrible. Her husband won't take long to figure out its duty sex and coming from a man, that's almost as bad as no sex. Passionless sex or finding out your wife isn't into you is damaging to a guy. If OP doesn't find the issue her DH will find someone who will have sex with him and enjoy it

What do you mean, find the issue? She already found the issue. The way he touches her isn't enjoyable. It doesn't feel good. You are looking at it with a curious insistence that there IS a way for it to feel good, and that it's all in her head. If I fed you raw chicken and insisted it does feel good and it's all your fault it doesn't taste good to you, would you agree it's your issue?

If my DH does something that doesn't feel good, I tell him and reinforce if necessary. If he insists on doing it, he's welcome to find someone else to have bad sex with, so I don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

Try to compromise, you don't have to like having sex nor should it be a priority before your kids or others factors in the marriage. Just as he doesn't doesn't like home repairs or chores around the house. That's ok. Try to tell him how you feel. Do the duty sex a few times a month, certainly don't reward him for the groping, or pawing. That should stop it by turning around and walking away. Like kids you don't reward bad behavior.

I would like to know what he said after you talked to him. Did it register?

This is the most horrible advice ever. It won't take him long to figure out your doing duty sex and not enjoying it.

How are you supposed to enjoy the unenjoyable? If I told you you should eat raw chicken and enjoy it, would you? If her DH wants her to enjoy sex, he should make sure what he does is enjoyable.

Especially if you're not attracted to the person. There are many marriages like that which work well regardless. Younger women with old guys aren't crazy about having to do the bedroom scene but know it's a requirement.
OP will be fine, sounds like she will throw him a bone every now and then. Her DH needs gets a clue with his approach method, major turn-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Certainly need to address the underlying relationship issues with some conversations, or perhaps a bit of couples therapy.

But my libido also took a nose dive after my DC was born and there was just nothing my DH could do to get me in the mood. But after a glass or two of wine and 30-45 mins reading literotica, I'd be good. YMMV of course...it may be worth deciding on a schedule that you can both agree to--not as frequent as he would like and more frequent than you would-- then on the days you agree, be takes care of the dishes etc while you do whatever it is that gets you in the mood.

Sex can be like exercise. It's good for you and it makes you feel better once you've done it, but it can be hard to get started and hard to get in the habit. But, once you've gotten used to making it a priority, you get to where you hate to skip a day.