My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: husband probably feels trapped and like he can't trust you. Solution? Give him an out. Tell him you were irresponsible for not taking BC. Your actions were meant to be deceitful even though they were. If he really hates life then tell him he can divorce you and you won't pursue child support and won't go after his money (if any) as a show that you really did not mean to make him feel trapped. It's totally a bluff move, but it's extreme enough where he at least can actually make a decision about going forward. Pretty sure he will chose to be with you and raise child, but now it's more a decision he's made vs being forced into it.

So your advice is to build on the first lie by telling another lie. And what if her husband calls the bluff? He will deem her a habitual liar when it comes to their marriage

So what if he does? If he agrees and follows through it won't matter much anyway.

[Anonymous]

The real issue here is that OP's husband, just like all men, didn't have any legal rights in the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue here is that OP's husband, just like all men, didn't have any legal rights in the matter.

Is there some law against him getting a vasectomy. Can you post a link to that law.

Op's husband wanted to keep the child option open for wife #2.

[Anonymous]

For wife #2???? That's a leap, particularly against a guy who seems to be trying to do the right thing.

OP said she and dh had not been married long. It is entirely possible that he thought they might change their minds in five years or so and he wanted to keep that option open. Or he just was queasy about the surgery and didn't have the guts to go through with it yet.

None of that has any bearing with what his wife did. This couple needs counseling and, honestly, they may never get over this.

[Anonymous]

I would recommend either therapy or -- I don't know how this is going to be met on this board, but here goes -- something called Landmark. I took a three-day course and saw some amazing things come out of it. I had no such drama or trauma in my life, but there were people who clearly did. And who seemed to have some revelations that could've changed their lives. My sibling--who had been in therapy for almost a year--gave it a shot and was able to "get over" some of her issues. It's intense, short, and very to the point.

One of the demos is the idea of "choosing" something about your life, even if it's something you haven't been presented a real option about. Such as, say, being a father. Because it's already happened. You can get divorced, but you'll always have that little person out there. I suppose you could terminate all parental authority and never see the child again. But you cant un-make a child. He's here. And in this case, he calls you "Daddy."

So the question is really, now what? Well, CHOOSE. BE what you choose. Don't half-ass it. Don't wallow in resentment and anger. Don't blame someone else. BE THE PERSON. DO IT. CHOOSE.

Sounds hokey, but I'm telling you, in the context of various other concepts about living a life of integrity, this message resonated with many people.

You can see all the options -- and this father has more than one. Just do it and effin' get on with your life, and let your wife and son get on with theirs.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a friend who religiously took bc for years without incident.at 35, with her recently separated bf who already had kids and didn't want more, she started forgetting here and there. she did not consciously set out to get pg (and her version of skipping was a day or two here and there) but she has come to realize a few years later that at some level she wanted a kid, or at least wanted to explore it but being non confrontational this was the way she handled it (very badly I might add). The first thing you need to understand is why you did this and in this manner, why the self deception, even now. Because without accepting full responsibility not just for your actions but for what lay underneath them you can't really begin to work on the marriage, or yourself. Self honesty is the first step to bring fully honest with your husband. Perhaps after that healing can begin.

And my friend is still the the bf and their child is passionately loved. But her bf does not pull his weight in a lot of ways and she feels like she can't ask for that, but it causes problems anyway that manifest in other arenas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

Nope- I did not tell him. Honestly- I have a lot of friends who had been trying to have children. I just thought there is a very slim chance of me getting pregnant at the first try after being on BC for the last 15 years of my life. Stupid- but true.

You are not being honest about what you were doing... too busy to get a refill... and didn't tell him.... you didn't tell him because you knew he would have been upset and would have pushed the issue so that you would have gone and gotten your pills. You knew he didn't want kids and you did this to him. It to very unfair to ask his opinion about abortion after the fact because you and everyone knows that in todays climate the choice is ALWAYS the woman's... "my body my choice" You put your husband in a no-win situation.... if he says get an abortion then you could turn it around on him... if you get the abortion then its his fault and you can feel resentful to him your whole life.... if you don't get the abortion then you can always remind him that he "didn't support you" and that he "never wanted the child..." I can image those little reminders you would drop over and over for his while life. This sort of bad behavior on your part is not forgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He had time to rid himself of your mistake early on but chose not to. So now he can smile and get with the daddy thing or get divorced.

Actions have consequences and you BOTH should deal with that. The baby is here. It's not the baby's fault. Grow the fuck up.

NOT TRUE the man has no rights with regard to abortion decisions made by the woman. It simply is NOT his choice. The woman holds 100% of the responsibility for the choice of having the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You went off birth control for three weeks and you insisted on having sex, despite agreeing not to have children? I'd be resentful as well.

Did you bother telling DH you were off birth control for those three weeks?

You were not taking bc pills and your DH, who knew he never wanted to have kids continued to have sex with you?

He's responsible too - if he knew.

He didn't know because she didn't tell him.

[Anonymous]

ugh. how soon can you guys start the therapy, I wonder? You both need quite a bit of it. Your inability to take responsibility is jawdropping, OP. Your DH bringing this up without asking for a divorce yet marks him as someone who is trying hard to keep the marriage together. You need to do the same, take responsibility that you were manipulative (however unconsciously), and approach therapy as something you BOTH need to make this marriage work--not something you are doing to help your husband not be mad at you anymore. You are on a very dangerous road here as is everyone who tricks their partner into parenthood.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a hormone-receptive cancer, meaning that pregnancy could cause life-threatening tumor growth. You'd better believe I never *forget* whether I'm using birth control. You didn't, either. Face it, own it, apologize for manipulating him. Everything before that will ring false and hollow because you haven't yet taken responsibility.

[Anonymous]

You decieved your husband. He may not resent your son, he resents you for tricking him into having a son he was not ready for. You may never be able to undo the harm you caused. I had a friend just like you. Her boyfriend treated her like a queen. The she decided she wanted a ring, forgot her pill, and got pregnant. He married her, from then on he treated her like dirt. She did the e act same thing you are doing...started making up excuses, saying she did not think she could get pregnant.

If there is any hope, you need to be honest with him and yourself. You were trying to be careless. You deceived him. Ypu apologize. You give him an out but tell him that ypu hope he will stay. If he stays, you both need therapy to get past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your poor son. He is the one I feel bad for.

+ 1 million. God that poor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: husband probably feels trapped and like he can't trust you. Solution? Give him an out. Tell him you were irresponsible for not taking BC. Your actions were meant to be deceitful even though they were. If he really hates life then tell him he can divorce you and you won't pursue child support and won't go after his money (if any) as a show that you really did not mean to make him feel trapped. It's totally a bluff move, but it's extreme enough where he at least can actually make a decision about going forward. Pretty sure he will chose to be with you and raise child, but now it's more a decision he's made vs being forced into it.

So your advice is to build on the first lie by telling another lie. And what if her husband calls the bluff? He will deem her a habitual liar when it comes to their marriage

The thing about a bluff move is, be prepared to follow through.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you not heard about emergency contraception? Plan B tabs that you take up to 48 hrs after an unprotected intercourse? it's over the counter too.

I know people like you. When I was still dating my husband a hussie like you trapped his friend, and went on to advise me to stop taking the pill too - to speed up the marriage proposal. You're the lowest of the low. I hope he divorces you.