My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.

PP here. *Shrug* It's how I felt and feel. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Of course this is sound reasoning. HOWEVER you then loose the right to continue to be angry. You chose to continue the pregnancy. End of story. OP's husband had his choices taken away. She deceived him about birth control and then it wasn't his choice whether to continue the pregnancy.

PP here. You don't tell me how to feel or what my "right" is. Have a stadium full of seats, you presumptuous tool. I posted for OP's benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can choose the life you have or choose another one and live that. But to live in limbo is, essentially, to choose to be angry and resentful and look to anyone else to blame but yourself. It's a cowardly way to not-act.

So please just be honest and get counseling. The choice might be to divorce and have the father (or other spouse) not have full custody or even give up full parental rights. It might take a great toll on your child to have been unchosen in this way, and the retaining spouse will probably just have to lay it out straight: "There is nothing wrong with you, my darling, you were born perfect. Something is "wrong" with your papa/mama, because although there are two people who were ready to love him/her for all his/her perfections and faults, he/she could not accept that love. So never wonder if it was you, if you are "unlovable" because you are perfect and lovable. The problem was with your father/mother. I cannot explain the unexplainable."

Give me a break, the likelihood of OP's husband wanting to terminate his parental rights is almost nil. I doubt he actually resents his child, his anger is more focused on OP. If he does in fact resent his child, the societal pressure to remain father, at least on paper, is strong and you can not just "sign your rights away" as easily as you state.

You might be right. But I know of several ppl growing up who's one parent--usually the dad--while married or divorced from the other parent, basically is a non-parent. Pretty much checked out. It's painful to see. My husband has a dad like this. I imagine his father never cared about being a father. Even our little kids wonder what's wrong, and we basically tell them a version of what I wrote above. "It's not you, its him."

[Anonymous]

Some women need to stop thinking a baby will fix everything. If a man says he doesn't want a kid the move on (if not married); if married, things get complicated like in OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has paid major prices in my life due to my inability to express my true feelings, fears, and desires, I empathize with your husband. You need therapy together, but he needs individual therapy to work on his own bottled-up emotions and fear of confrontation. His inability to have an honest conversation with you when you found out you were pregnant has left him in this position of silent resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would divorce you for this duplicity.

You knew he did not want children and both of you agreed to NOT have children. You should have termonated and the fact that you did not confirms that you got pregnant on purpose.

How can he ever trust you again.

While I agree that getting pregnant was probably intentional, I do not understand why he did not get snipped either.

[Anonymous]

Does he know now that you stopped taking the pill and knowingly has sex with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.

Saccharine? I call it being a normal, decent human being. Anyone who sees their baby's ultrasound and then kills it is an inhuman monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.

Saccharine? I call it being a normal, decent human being. Anyone who sees their baby's ultrasound and then kills it is an inhuman monster.

[Anonymous]

People who adamantly do not want kids DO NOT skip birth control for even a day, let alone a month. You say you're interested in making it right- first thing you need to do is come clean to him about the deception and admit you hoped he would want the child when he was here but you see now that lying to him about birth control and letting him unknowingly impregnate you was wrong. You actually might need to admit that to yourself first. But you get my point/ come clean and apologize to the man for trapping him like this. You knew what you were doing, you just assumed it would all work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Of course this is sound reasoning. HOWEVER you then loose the right to continue to be angry. You chose to continue the pregnancy. End of story. OP's husband had his choices taken away. She deceived him about birth control and then it wasn't his choice whether to continue the pregnancy.

PP here. You don't tell me how to feel or what my "right" is. Have a stadium full of seats, you presumptuous tool. I posted for OP's benefit.

Hit a raw nerve, didn't we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who adamantly do not want kids DO NOT skip birth control for even a day, let alone a month. You say you're interested in making it right- first thing you need to do is come clean to him about the deception and admit you hoped he would want the child when he was here but you see now that lying to him about birth control and letting him unknowingly impregnate you was wrong. You actually might need to admit that to yourself first. But you get my point/ come clean and apologize to the man for trapping him like this. You knew what you were doing, you just assumed it would all work out.

He should divorce her and get custody of the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.

Saccharine? I call it being a normal, decent human being. Anyone who sees their baby's ultrasound and then kills it is an inhuman monster.

People like you make me long for retroactive abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who adamantly do not want kids DO NOT skip birth control for even a day, let alone a month. You say you're interested in making it right- first thing you need to do is come clean to him about the deception and admit you hoped he would want the child when he was here but you see now that lying to him about birth control and letting him unknowingly impregnate you was wrong. You actually might need to admit that to yourself first. But you get my point/ come clean and apologize to the man for trapping him like this. You knew what you were doing, you just assumed it would all work out.

Yet all her H needed to do was schedule outpatient surgery. Less than 1 day missed of work. what an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Who knows why the couple used the pill as birth control. There's no basis here to think OP wanted them to use another method. If you take on that responsibility and then knowingly fail to use it, of course it's completely your own fault. God, you knowingly had sex with someone without using birth control. With your husband, knowing he did not want a child and tricking him. Why should he need to "confess" he didn't want a child. He told you from the start. You are a cruel, selfish manipulator. I can't imagine your DH would ever trust you about anything. He must feel terrible for his child. I can't imagine.