My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had agreed to not have children. We had been married for a few years when I got pregnant. I was regularly taking birth control and didn't refill my prescription on time. I was off BC for about 3 weeks and during that time I got pregnant. When I told my husband- he took it all in stride (or so I thought), and was the supportive, caring man I always knew him to be. Even after the baby came, he has continued to be an attentive, hands on dad. I know he loves our son very much. I thought we had just adapted to this new change in our lives, and surprisingly- I am enjoying being a parent a lot more than I thought I would. He seems to enjoy it too but misses the freedom we had.

He recently told me he is really angry and resentful about this lifestyle change. He feels like he was never part of the decision. At the point we found out- I asked him for his opinion on keeping the baby or not- and he told me the decision was all mine. He says he is angry that I was irresponsible.

We have been having some challenges in our marriage and this explains a lot of why. I told him I hear him- and understand. I just don't know how you fix this.

[Anonymous]

The early years are hard. You are both adjusting to lifestyle changes. It's possible in a few years he might even think it's a good idea to have another.

[Anonymous]

The first two years are really hard... it does get better.

[Anonymous]

You went off birth control for three weeks and you insisted on having sex, despite agreeing not to have children? I'd be resentful as well.

Did you bother telling DH you were off birth control for those three weeks?

[Anonymous]

I sense someone is not taking full responsibility for her behavior here.

[Anonymous]

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both could benefit from some time with a good marriage counselor who can help you work through this. I'm guessing that your husband is at that point in his life where he's realizing that the carefree 20s are over and this is his life. He's pissed off at the world and taking it out on you. He needs to take responsibility for his decisions. If he didn't say anything and turned the decision about the pregnancy over to you, then he needs to own that. I would suggest a male therapist.

[Anonymous]

If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

[Anonymous]

To the last 3 PP, dear god, shit happens. And DH had choices then. Sounds like he's having buyer's remorse and trying to put it all on OP. But to that I'll echo there first 2 PP - the early years are hard. It gets easier. Just keep communicating openly but by all means don't allow him to put this all in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

OP here. I am not arguing that I am not wrong or irresponsible. I don't think it was deceitful- because I think that I would have had to be really intentionally trying to get pregnant. I just happened to be caught up with 'being too busy' to go refill my prescription. I was working long hours and hardly had time for anything during those weeks. Either way- it is not an excuse- just an explanation. What I am trying to do now is to figure out what the next steps are. Our child is here and we love him. Our marriage is in trouble because we never resolved this. I feel horrible that DH has had to carry this pain with him all this time. I want to do my part to fix it.

[Anonymous]

OP--clarify: did you tell him you were having unprotected sex? Did he know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

OP here. I am not arguing that I am not wrong or irresponsible. I don't think it was deceitful- because I think that I would have had to be really intentionally trying to get pregnant. I just happened to be caught up with 'being too busy' to go refill my prescription. I was working long hours and hardly had time for anything during those weeks. Either way- it is not an excuse- just an explanation. What I am trying to do now is to figure out what the next steps are. Our child is here and we love him. Our marriage is in trouble because we never resolved this. I feel horrible that DH has had to carry this pain with him all this time. I want to do my part to fix it.

See 10:28

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

Nope- I did not tell him. Honestly- I have a lot of friends who had been trying to have children. I just thought there is a very slim chance of me getting pregnant at the first try after being on BC for the last 15 years of my life. Stupid- but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

OP here. I am not arguing that I am not wrong or irresponsible. I don't think it was deceitful- because I think that I would have had to be really intentionally trying to get pregnant. I just happened to be caught up with 'being too busy' to go refill my prescription. I was working long hours and hardly had time for anything during those weeks. Either way- it is not an excuse- just an explanation. What I am trying to do now is to figure out what the next steps are. Our child is here and we love him. Our marriage is in trouble because we never resolved this. I feel horrible that DH has had to carry this pain with him all this time. I want to do my part to fix it.

You didn't answer the question though: Did you tell your husband that you were not on BC during those weeks? If you did, and you (the couple you) didn't use alternative BC then he's an asshat. If not, I can see him feeling like he was hoodwinked even if he agreed to continue the pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

Nope- I did not tell him. Honestly- I have a lot of friends who had been trying to have children. I just thought there is a very slim chance of me getting pregnant at the first try after being on BC for the last 15 years of my life. Stupid- but true.

I have to say I don't believe you OP. You're a grown woman. You know it's dishonest to not use birth control for almost a whole cycle with a man whom you've actively agreed not to have kids with and not tell him. What's done is done. But how can you now see his point of view here?