My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child

[Anonymous]

Man, SOME women on here are so anti-DH that they cannot even think straight. And I say this as a woman. OP and her DH had an agreement - NO KIDS! They also had an agreement as to the form of BC that OP unilaterally broke without informing the DH. So many of you are saying that he is wrong because if he did not want kids, he should have taken steps. In essence, you are saying that the DH should not have trusted that his wife would do what they agreed to do. He should have realized that his wife is untrustworthy and deceitful? So even if he did take steps like y'all suggest, how in the world could you even advocate that he should stay married to such an untrustworty and deceitful woman? Yea, he needs to grow up and leave his lying ass wife! Anyone with a brain can see that it is not about the son - who OP admits he clearly loves. It is about being with a woman who deceived and duped him. It is not about the kid, it is about the OP.

[Anonymous]

For the sake of his son and his own piece of mind, DH should forgive his wife and try to make his marriage work UNLESSs he does not love her any more. This is his one and only family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of his son and his own piece of mind, DH should forgive his wife and try to make his marriage work UNLESSs he does not love her any more. This is his one and only family.

*peace

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my husband's sister. "Oh, I got so busy and didn't remember to take my pills!" Personally, I think "oops, pregnant!" is a terrible reason to become parents. She was young but college educated, landed a great job with a major national firm right away; and yet....bam, pregnant at 23 with a new husband. They hadn't gotten their footing as a couple before this "unexpected" pregnancy. To the shock of no one, they were separated before the kid was 18 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

Nope- I did not tell him. Honestly- I have a lot of friends who had been trying to have children. I just thought there is a very slim chance of me getting pregnant at the first try after being on BC for the last 15 years of my life. Stupid- but true.

OMG. WOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, SOME women on here are so anti-DH that they cannot even think straight. And I say this as a woman. OP and her DH had an agreement - NO KIDS! They also had an agreement as to the form of BC that OP unilaterally broke without informing the DH. So many of you are saying that he is wrong because if he did not want kids, he should have taken steps. In essence, you are saying that the DH should not have trusted that his wife would do what they agreed to do. He should have realized that his wife is untrustworthy and deceitful? So even if he did take steps like y'all suggest, how in the world could you even advocate that he should stay married to such an untrustworty and deceitful woman? Yea, he needs to grow up and leave his lying ass wife! Anyone with a brain can see that it is not about the son - who OP admits he clearly loves. It is about being with a woman who deceived and duped him. It is not about the kid, it is about the OP.

+1 million
Excellent assessment of the situation. Could not agree more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, SOME women on here are so anti-DH that they cannot even think straight. And I say this as a woman. OP and her DH had an agreement - NO KIDS! They also had an agreement as to the form of BC that OP unilaterally broke without informing the DH. So many of you are saying that he is wrong because if he did not want kids, he should have taken steps. In essence, you are saying that the DH should not have trusted that his wife would do what they agreed to do. He should have realized that his wife is untrustworthy and deceitful? So even if he did take steps like y'all suggest, how in the world could you even advocate that he should stay married to such an untrustworty and deceitful woman? Yea, he needs to grow up and leave his lying ass wife! Anyone with a brain can see that it is not about the son - who OP admits he clearly loves. It is about being with a woman who deceived and duped him. It is not about the kid, it is about the OP.

She did not purposely stop taking the pill to get pregnant she did not take them with the thought that there was no way she would get pregnant if she missed the pill 3 weeks out of 15 years.

I trust my H to pay the bills, I also know that when he is on travel, if I don't pay the credit card bill we will be charged a late fee, because he is not very diligent when he travels, I learned this after paying the late fee every time he travels.

The H expected his wife to be perfect and to never make an error in judgement, that is why he is the douche in this scenario.

After being on the pill a gazillion years I did not notify my H every time I missed one, or every time I was on antibiotics, or every time I threw up from the stomach flu after I took the pill, or every time I took it in the PM instead of the am, or when I change to a lower dose to try to help with bleeding issues. I never even thought about the pill when I took St. John's Wart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you told your DH you were off the pill then it was on him and you to use alternate BC. He could have used condoms. So how is this your fault?

Now, if you didn't tell him that's another story.

Nope- I did not tell him. Honestly- I have a lot of friends who had been trying to have children. I just thought there is a very slim chance of me getting pregnant at the first try after being on BC for the last 15 years of my life. Stupid- but true.

wow. what a horrible thing to do. I guess he will never forgive you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I 100% take responsibility for my actions. We are going to start counseling. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how I can make it right. Are there things you DH could do to make it right.

PP here. Time and patience and apologies are the best way. As time goes on, parenthood will get easier, the memory of the life he could have had will start to dim, and, assuming you are understanding and patient, he may let go of his anger. DH is apologetic about what happened, though he still continues to lie and say he did not realize he didn't have a condom on. The continued dishonesty really rankles, so I would also advise you to stop pretending there was not some element of intent to get pregnant in your decision not to refill your prescription.

Op, this is the best advice that you have gotten so far. This is your first step - you have to come clean and then work really hard at putting the pieces back together. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, SOME women on here are so anti-DH that they cannot even think straight. And I say this as a woman. OP and her DH had an agreement - NO KIDS! They also had an agreement as to the form of BC that OP unilaterally broke without informing the DH. So many of you are saying that he is wrong because if he did not want kids, he should have taken steps. In essence, you are saying that the DH should not have trusted that his wife would do what they agreed to do. He should have realized that his wife is untrustworthy and deceitful? So even if he did take steps like y'all suggest, how in the world could you even advocate that he should stay married to such an untrustworty and deceitful woman? Yea, he needs to grow up and leave his lying ass wife! Anyone with a brain can see that it is not about the son - who OP admits he clearly loves. It is about being with a woman who deceived and duped him. It is not about the kid, it is about the OP.

+1

OP, get a divorce and if you won't file, maybe your husband will.

[Anonymous]

The dude seems incredibly passive.

I don't want kids but don't want to bother proactively doing anything about it. Wife will take care of it.

She is pregnant but I'm too lazy and passive to have a difficult conversation about options so I will let YOU decide what to do.

Come on. Dude needs to man up and stop blaming wife, life, and others for his unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dude seems incredibly passive.

I don't want kids but don't want to bother proactively doing anything about it. Wife will take care of it.

She is pregnant but I'm too lazy and passive to have a difficult conversation about options so I will let YOU decide what to do.

Come on. Dude needs to man up and stop blaming wife, life, and others for his unhappiness.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I 100% take responsibility for my actions. We are going to start counseling. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how I can make it right. Are there things you DH could do to make it right.

PP here. Time and patience and apologies are the best way. As time goes on, parenthood will get easier, the memory of the life he could have had will start to dim, and, assuming you are understanding and patient, he may let go of his anger. DH is apologetic about what happened, though he still continues to lie and say he did not realize he didn't have a condom on. The continued dishonesty really rankles, so I would also advise you to stop pretending there was not some element of intent to get pregnant in your decision not to refill your prescription.

Op, this is the best advice that you have gotten so far. This is your first step - you have to come clean and then work really hard at putting the pieces back together. Good luck!

I don't think OP wanted to get pregnant.

OP, did you want to get pregnant?

I know a gazillion people that did not want to get pregnant but did. I know 1 that got pregnant so she did not have to go back to work, her child was turning 5 and the agreement was to go back to work,so she got pregnant. They divorced.

I don't think OP has indicated she wanted children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

Didn't he have some responsibility also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, SOME women on here are so anti-DH that they cannot even think straight. And I say this as a woman. OP and her DH had an agreement - NO KIDS! They also had an agreement as to the form of BC that OP unilaterally broke without informing the DH. So many of you are saying that he is wrong because if he did not want kids, he should have taken steps. In essence, you are saying that the DH should not have trusted that his wife would do what they agreed to do. He should have realized that his wife is untrustworthy and deceitful? So even if he did take steps like y'all suggest, how in the world could you even advocate that he should stay married to such an untrustworty and deceitful woman? Yea, he needs to grow up and leave his lying ass wife! Anyone with a brain can see that it is not about the son - who OP admits he clearly loves. It is about being with a woman who deceived and duped him. It is not about the kid, it is about the OP.

She did not purposely stop taking the pill to get pregnant she did not take them with the thought that there was no way she would get pregnant if she missed the pill 3 weeks out of 15 years.

I trust my H to pay the bills, I also know that when he is on travel, if I don't pay the credit card bill we will be charged a late fee, because he is not very diligent when he travels, I learned this after paying the late fee every time he travels.

The H expected his wife to be perfect and to never make an error in judgement, that is why he is the douche in this scenario.

After being on the pill a gazillion years I did not notify my H every time I missed one, or every time I was on antibiotics, or every time I threw up from the stomach flu after I took the pill, or every time I took it in the PM instead of the am, or when I change to a lower dose to try to help with bleeding issues. I never even thought about the pill when I took St. John's Wart.

Sorry - we are not talking about paying a credit card bill. We are talking about a life changer - becoming a parent.

I am not expecting the OP to be perfect at all. I am expecting her to be open and honest with her DH. If you and your DH agree about no kids, you and your DH agree on the BC, you miss taking the pill and you do not tell your DH OR insist on another form of BC during that time, it is NOT "douchey" for him to be upset when you become pregnant. It is a natural consequence. And that "error in judgment" can cause a reasonable person to lose trust in you.