My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

[Anonymous]

People, whatever you do, don't let your child hear about your anger or resentment regarding them being born. This is your issue to work out and make peace with, privately. You should have already done this work. Don't talk about it within earshot of them. Separate your issues with your partner from the circumstances of the child's conception.

To a pp who suggested abortion, there are those who don't really want to have kids, but when they get pregnant accidentally, their surprising gut feeling is that they personally cannot terminate, even though they strongly believe it's a woman's right to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I 100% take responsibility for my actions. We are going to start counseling. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how I can make it right. Are there things you DH could do to make it right.

[Anonymous]

If you both did not want to have children, he should have gotten a vasectomy and/or you should have had your tubes tied. It is ridiculous to have you on hormonal birth control for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

Some people don't just "terminate the pregnancy" on a whim, like you obviously could have done. Only a sick soul would have taken that route in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had agreed to not have children. We had been married for a few years when I got pregnant. I was regularly taking birth control and didn't refill my prescription on time. I was off BC for about 3 weeks and during that time I got pregnant. When I told my husband- he took it all in stride (or so I thought), and was the supportive, caring man I always knew him to be. Even after the baby came, he has continued to be an attentive, hands on dad. I know he loves our son very much. I thought we had just adapted to this new change in our lives, and surprisingly- I am enjoying being a parent a lot more than I thought I would. He seems to enjoy it too but misses the freedom we had.

He recently told me he is really angry and resentful about this lifestyle change. He feels like he was never part of the decision. At the point we found out- I asked him for his opinion on keeping the baby or not- and he told me the decision was all mine. He says he is angry that I was irresponsible.

We have been having some challenges in our marriage and this explains a lot of why. I told him I hear him- and understand. I just don't know how you fix this.

You just forgot to refill your prescription, OP?

Your DH seems to have been a true mensch about the whole thing, even now in being honest about his feelings. You need to acknowledge his feelings, OP. There's nothing wrong in what he said. You didn't mention any cruelty or neglect. He's taken up the responsibilities you'd agreed to spare each other by not having children. I'd buy the guy a beer and allow him to mourn a bit before asking how he now looked toward the future.

[Anonymous]

Why should only you, the woman be blamed for having a child? It takes two to tango and you most certainly did not get pregnant by yourself. That is impossible.

If your husband was so intent on remaining child-free, he could have kept it in his pants or used a condom during sex.

My only pass for him would be if you never told him that you were off the pill for those few weeks. Then I wouldn't blame him so much, but still....As adults we ALL make conscious decisions and are in control of our own behavior.

He should know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.

PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, whatever you do, don't let your child hear about your anger or resentment regarding them being born. This is your issue to work out and make peace with, privately. You should have already done this work. Don't talk about it within earshot of them. Separate your issues with your partner from the circumstances of the child's conception.

To a pp who suggested abortion, there are those who don't really want to have kids, but when they get pregnant accidentally, their surprising gut feeling is that they personally cannot terminate, even though they strongly believe it's a woman's right to choose.

I am the one who posted about DH deliberately getting me pregnant. My daughter will never feel unwanted because both DH and I adore her. None of this is her fault. Like OP's husband, I am a devoted parent and I embrace my life as it is with her now. It is forgiving DH that I am having a hard time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't get is you were too tired and working so hard you couldn't call in your birth control prescription, pick it up on your way home but you were not too busy to have sex.

You know you did this on purpose.

This
I don't usually say this, but I would divorce you.

[Anonymous]

An accidental pregnancy is when you get pregnant despite being on correctly used birth control.

OP stopped purposely and knowingly taking the pill and didn't tell her husband about it. For me, that would put all the blame on her because if I was her husband and she told me she failed to get a prescription I would either not have sex or use condoms until the situation was resolved and were protected again. But she made him believe that she was still on birth control. That's really low and not how you treat the person you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I 100% take responsibility for my actions. We are going to start counseling. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how I can make it right. Are there things you DH could do to make it right.

PP here. Time and patience and apologies are the best way. As time goes on, parenthood will get easier, the memory of the life he could have had will start to dim, and, assuming you are understanding and patient, he may let go of his anger. DH is apologetic about what happened, though he still continues to lie and say he did not realize he didn't have a condom on. The continued dishonesty really rankles, so I would also advise you to stop pretending there was not some element of intent to get pregnant in your decision not to refill your prescription.

[Anonymous]

PP, you need to tell the therapist because they can't help you until you are honest with them so they can begin to assist you with working through your issues. Honestly, if you want your marriage to work you need to be straight about this with the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.

I agree.