Son is Throwing a Ft Because we Won't pay for his College Education

[Anonymous]

I kind of get OP.

The kid has shown he is not serious about getting a good education. Why would you want to pay for him to just party at college and barely graduate? I think that's what OP is seeing in her son. Maybe the kid will grow up in college, but maybe not. It really depends on the kid. If as a parent you don't have a lot of money, I'm not sure you want to gamble with your retirement. They clearly have no intention having their kids help them out in retirement (as my DH and I don't, either).

I agree with another PP - I would say to my kid, go to community college, get a part time job to help pay for it, live at home. If after 2yrs, you show that you are serious about college, then we'll talk. But even at the 4 yr college, I think it would be a good thing for him to get a job and help pay for it.

Studies have shown that kids value their education more and do better if they have a financial vested interested in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you're awful. Hope you don't expect anyone to help take care of you when you're sick or terminal. Hope you saved enough money for long term care etc.

I think op is insane but so is your response. Not only would I help my dc go to college however I can, I also don't expect them to take care of me when I'm sick or terminal. I want them to fly and not be responsible for me.

You've never had a terminally ill parent.

I flew, I've lived my own life, and you'd better believe that I cared for my mother when she was dying and held her as she took her last breath (my father had already died). It was one of the most profound experiences of my life and I am grateful I was able to do this for her.

OP's kids won't. I'm not PP, I'm A NP.

[Anonymous]

OP is a high school student. The writing is of a person who never or hasn't yet gone to college. I'm guessing he is overly anxious about the college app process, is feeling bad about himself, and so is actively creating a scenario that he can feel superior to, "At least that's not my life."

Or maybe OP's parents are the opposite -- driving him to get high grades, visit competitive colleges, fulfill their dreams, and he's suffering from the pressure so he creates the opposite scenario again, to feel better his old situation and because its a comfort.

But OP is clearly not a former or current college professor. Not with that writing. That was just OP's way to try to regain control of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a high school student. The writing is of a person who never or hasn't yet gone to college. I'm guessing he is overly anxious about the college app process, is feeling bad about himself, and so is actively creating a scenario that he can feel superior to, "At least that's not my life."

Or maybe OP's parents are the opposite -- driving him to get high grades, visit competitive colleges, fulfill their dreams, and he's suffering from the pressure so he creates the opposite scenario again, to feel better his old situation and because its a comfort.

But OP is clearly not a former or current college professor. Not with that writing. That was just OP's way to try to regain control of the thread.

You may be on to something. I went back and reread the initial post. A junior in high school being pushed from the age of 13 to get a job? Even if he had a part time job since 13, not only would it not pay tuition, it wouldn'the even be enough to pay application fees. An adult, hopefully, would know this.

Something isn't right with OP's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of get OP.

The kid has shown he is not serious about getting a good education. Why would you want to pay for him to just party at college and barely graduate? I think that's what OP is seeing in her son. Maybe the kid will grow up in college, but maybe not. It really depends on the kid. If as a parent you don't have a lot of money, I'm not sure you want to gamble with your retirement. They clearly have no intention having their kids help them out in retirement (as my DH and I don't, either).

I agree with another PP - I would say to my kid, go to community college, get a part time job to help pay for it, live at home. If after 2yrs, you show that you are serious about college, then we'll talk. But even at the 4 yr college, I think it would be a good thing for him to get a job and help pay for it.

Studies have shown that kids value their education more and do better if they have a financial vested interested in it.

How has he shown that? Seriously? I want to know.

[Anonymous]

Hard as it is for folks on DCUM who are obsessed with getting their kids into $35,000/year private schools and $60,000/year Ivy League colleges, most Americans don't have a college degree. Given 20+ years of little or no growth in wages for the middle class and shrinking funding for public colleges, paying for college tuition is not an easy call for the typical American family.

I grew up in a very blue collar neighborhood where most of my friends parents were very resistant to paying for college. None of their parents went graduated from college. There was a sharp divide in their minds between "rich college kids" and families like ours.

I had a friend whose parents said they would only pay for college unless he got all A's or aced the SATs, even though he was never that kind of student. They just could not afford to pay full tuition and didn't want to say so. While they knew about financial aid, they thought it was like welfare and they did not want to fill out a FAFSA (free application for federal student aid). I think they were genuinely shocked when I told them where I was going to college and that I got financial aid, not academic scholarships.

OP, I would never question your judgment of your own family and children. But, please help your son consider his options. Fill out a college net price calculator to see how little the schools may expect from you. Tell him to talk to a college counselor about what kinds of schools he can get into with his GPA and test scores. Not everyone needs a college tour - many students go to a college without ever visiting. Maybe he decides that enlisting in the military or working a few years is a better choice than college right out of high school. But, let it be his choice. Please don't make a college education something his parents denied him.

[Anonymous]

Don't know if OP is for real or not but I'm familiar with the "we won't help you go to college" mindset.. my ILs are like that. They have 3 kids and didn't encourage any of them to go to college. In their working class community, they see college as a waste of money since nearly everyone they know who went to college dropped out. DH is the rarity -- got an engineering degree at the local university, moved away as soon as he graduated, and has had a good career in IT.

Their middle kid was the most interested in college so he joined the military. Unfortunately, he wasn't mature enough for that, had a bad attitude, and ended up discharged early. I'm not clear on the details -- it wasn't a "dishonorable" but it wasn't full benefits either. Now he's living at home and working at a restaurant while he takes CC classes. Their oldest had no interest in academics and ended up getting pg at 19. She did end up getting a good FT job w/ benefits and is taking one class at a time toward a degree -- she' s bit more motivated now that she has a son. The youngest so far seems to have no interest in college. Just turned 21 and works a variety of jobs. At least the parents do provide moral support, however, and provide housing -- the younger kids live at home and the oldest lives in a nearby house that BIL/SIL inherited and now rent to her at a low rate.

I do think parents have a responsibility to help their kids explore their options, figure out how to apply for colleges and financial aid if they are motivated to go to school, and should expect that kids will probably need to live with them past age 18 until they can save money and/or finish further education/training. But, I don't think all parents have an obligation to foot the bill if it isn't financially feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you're awful. Hope you don't expect anyone to help take care of you when you're sick or terminal. Hope you saved enough money for long term care etc.

[phone]


If this isn't a troll, what kind of horrible parents are these????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.

That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too.

Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college.

I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it.

OP here:

Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice.

I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility.

He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling.

WHAT?

Lady, I had a 3.1 GPA when I graduated high school. I went on to a state university, and then to a second tier medical school and now here I am, a doctor making more than $300,000 every year. I was absolutely ready for further schooling, just not for Harvard. And if I hadn't had nice parents who paid the in-state tuition for my college and then contributed 50% to medical school, I wouldn't be where I am today.

You're an awful mother, limiting your child's opportunities because you're determined to be pessimistic and can't see the potential in him. You're supposed to help your child get through life, not hold him back. Do you know how much even state universities cost these days? They were cheaper in my time but they've soared in cost since then. It is unreasonable, cruel and stupid to expect a high school kid to bear the entire responsibility of their college expenses. You're a terrible parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately for OP's son, financial aid is for people in need, not people who have asshats for parents. The son will need to cut all ties from fis parents to get qualified for aid.

We don't know if OP has any money or not.

I'm guessing OP's claim that s/he could have paid for college for three kids is another of his/her many lies on this thread.

OP is poor and uneducated and making phony excuses for not supporting her kids in any way.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.

That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too.

Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college.

I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it.

OP here:

Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice.

I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility.

He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling.

WHAT?

Lady, I had a 3.1 GPA when I graduated high school. I went on to a state university, and then to a second tier medical school and now here I am, a doctor making more than $300,000 every year. I was absolutely ready for further schooling, just not for Harvard. And if I hadn't had nice parents who paid the in-state tuition for my college and then contributed 50% to medical school, I wouldn't be where I am today.

You're an awful mother, limiting your child's opportunities because you're determined to be pessimistic and can't see the potential in him. You're supposed to help your child get through life, not hold him back. Do you know how much even state universities cost these days? They were cheaper in my time but they've soared in cost since then. It is unreasonable, cruel and stupid to expect a high school kid to bear the entire responsibility of their college expenses. You're a terrible parent.

Curious. Now that you make 300k, are you paying your parents back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.

That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too.

Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college.

I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it.

OP here:

Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice.

I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility.

He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling.

WHAT?

Lady, I had a 3.1 GPA when I graduated high school. I went on to a state university, and then to a second tier medical school and now here I am, a doctor making more than $300,000 every year. I was absolutely ready for further schooling, just not for Harvard. And if I hadn't had nice parents who paid the in-state tuition for my college and then contributed 50% to medical school, I wouldn't be where I am today.

You're an awful mother, limiting your child's opportunities because you're determined to be pessimistic and can't see the potential in him. You're supposed to help your child get through life, not hold him back. Do you know how much even state universities cost these days? They were cheaper in my time but they've soared in cost since then. It is unreasonable, cruel and stupid to expect a high school kid to bear the entire responsibility of their college expenses. You're a terrible parent.

Curious. Now that you make 300k, are you paying your parents back?

Not that poster, but had to comment on this. That's such a strange attitude to me. In my extended family this is not something anyone would think to ask. Family doesn't "pay back" family because family doesn't "owe" family or keep track of "debts" like that. Family just helps out when someone needs something we value and can afford to help with. We help our parents with expenses in retirement, tried to pay to move them out nearer to us when they started needing more help and the siblings were all across the country, found them an assisted living arrangement they were happy with when they refused the former, pay for them to come on family vacations with us/grandkids, stuff like that. We didn't "pay back" a lump sum of whatever they paid on our college because (1) we didn't keep track of how much it was and have no idea, and (2) they would be deeply hurt and offended if we tried that. So we just do what's needed and/or what they will let us.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's hangup about her son's 3.0 GPA and his alleged lack of "readiness for further schooling" is her way of rationalizing her selfish refusal to help him in any way. She has to make it her child's fault to avoid facing what a cheap, self-absorbed parent she is. It's cruel enough to deny a child any guidance or support at all when the means are clearly there, but even crueler to try to shift the blame to him.

I'm still stunned that she took her own parents' money all the way through a Ph.D but won't give her own kids jack s--t. I got mine, Jack!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.

That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too.

Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college.

I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it.

OP here:

Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice.

I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility.

He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling.

WHAT?

Lady, I had a 3.1 GPA when I graduated high school. I went on to a state university, and then to a second tier medical school and now here I am, a doctor making more than $300,000 every year. I was absolutely ready for further schooling, just not for Harvard. And if I hadn't had nice parents who paid the in-state tuition for my college and then contributed 50% to medical school, I wouldn't be where I am today.

You're an awful mother, limiting your child's opportunities because you're determined to be pessimistic and can't see the potential in him. You're supposed to help your child get through life, not hold him back. Do you know how much even state universities cost these days? They were cheaper in my time but they've soared in cost since then. It is unreasonable, cruel and stupid to expect a high school kid to bear the entire responsibility of their college expenses. You're a terrible parent.

Curious. Now that you make 300k, are you paying your parents back?

Do you have kids? I want my kids to do the best they can. I would be ecstatic if they were making 300k a year. I would not accept money if they tried to pay me back for college or taking care of them when they were a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

WHAT?

Lady, I had a 3.1 GPA when I graduated high school. I went on to a state university, and then to a second tier medical school and now here I am, a doctor making more than $300,000 every year. I was absolutely ready for further schooling, just not for Harvard. And if I hadn't had nice parents who paid the in-state tuition for my college and then contributed 50% to medical school, I wouldn't be where I am today.

You're an awful mother, limiting your child's opportunities because you're determined to be pessimistic and can't see the potential in him. You're supposed to help your child get through life, not hold him back. Do you know how much even state universities cost these days? They were cheaper in my time but they've soared in cost since then. It is unreasonable, cruel and stupid to expect a high school kid to bear the entire responsibility of their college expenses. You're a terrible parent.

Curious. Now that you make 300k, are you paying your parents back?

I'm the doctor PP. They have their retirement fund set up and paying them back in the sense that you describe is not something that we'd consider in our family, because our close family bond is such that they know I'm going to contribute to their retirement fund and take care of them in their old age. (My dad's about to retire in a year or two but he and my mother are never going to go into a nursing home even at their oldest and most decrepit. They'll always live in their house or my house and I'll cover all the nurse and medical expenses.) I also buy them expensive gifts, sometimes physical gifts like a car or sometimes spa days or holiday cruise packages.

And of course, the best repayment of all: love and loyalty, and a close bond.