Son is Throwing a Ft Because we Won't pay for his College Education
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
We have three kids, in which my 17 YO DS is the youngest. We have always been clear: we don't pay for college, they do. His older sister paid her own way through college, and the middle son decided not to go to college and currently works as a manager at a fast food joint.
We expect all of our kids to get a weekend/summer jobs as soon as they can. Both the older ones did (DD used it to cover what scholarships didn't and DS used it to rent an apartment). We made it clear that we would not be paying for their schooling, and they were expected to be self sufficient after turning 18 (with some possible budging if we thought it was worth it). DS refused to get a job and even when he sends in applications, he does not follow up. We feel like we have given him every chance to do so. He is now a junior in high school, and has been pushing us to take him on college visits. We have told him, in no uncertain terms, that we do not believe he has the ability to afford schooling even if he suddenly got a job and saved all his money. Since we had this discussion, he has been freaking out and acting up all the time. Picking fights, refusing to see why we won't spend hundreds of dollars on college visits to schools he will never even apply to. I'm just sick and tired of all of this. We gave him every opportunity to get the money to pay for college, and he has ignored every attempt. He goes to a good school, but only gets ok grades, from age 13 we have pushed him to get a job, yet he never even seems to try. And now he seems to think he is entitled to a college education. Is there any way to prove to him he is not prepared to go to college? |
Anonymous
| You can't be for real. |
Anonymous
| You gotta be joking right? |
Anonymous
| i smell troll |
Anonymous
| Wow. I think you're awful. Hope you don't expect anyone to help take care of you when you're sick or terminal. Hope you saved enough money for long term care etc. |
Anonymous
|
You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.
That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too. Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college. I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it. |
Anonymous
OP here: Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice. I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility. He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling. |
Anonymous
|
OP, what's very important for you to understand is that you can't parent every child in the same way. Pushing so much independence on a child who's not ready for it may scutter his success in the long-run. It is cruel to close doors for someone just because they do not meet your narrow expectations of what abilities they are supposed to develop at a specific age. What you have to ask yourself is *why* your youngest is acting like this. Does he have an undiagnosed learning disability? Being unable to find a job and applying yet not following through college applications seems to me like a possible red flag for ADHD, since one hallmark is a difficulty to multitask and organize. My son has ADHD, like me. Despite being intellectually capable for college, grad school and an academic career, there is NO WAY I could have held down a job as a teen, received good grades and paid my way through college! Kudos to those who can. But those who cannot should not necessarily be thought of no account. Luckily my parents believed in me, and now I can contribute to advancing cancer research. What I'm trying to tell you is that |
Anonymous
| Oops, disregard that last sentence - editing too quickly. |
Anonymous
|
Ok, I can understand your frustration but he may need more guidance even if you aren't going to pay. What college prep has he done? Has he taking SAT or ACT? Met with college counselor? Have you helped him look for financial aid?
While I think you are a troll you do highlight a problem with our society. People think all kids HAVE to go to college -- even putting themselves into debt to go to a not so great college. What is the problem with being a fast food manager? Why is it looked down upon if a kid would like to go to trade school (if you can find one) rather than community college? |
Anonymous
|
I knew people back in the late 80s or 90s whose parents refused to pay for college. They struggled hard to get a college education. All of them pretty much had terrible relationships with their parents - particularly those parents who had the means to pay for community college or state school.
I think kicking a kid out at 18 is really really awful. The military might be his best bet, sad to say. |
Anonymous
|
It doesn't sound like you have geated your kids towards college from the beginning.
It sounds like don't value college education and your message to the kids was "education is not important and I'm not going to help you there." |
Anonymous
| I cannot under any circumstances imagine doing this to my kids. I have no advice for you as your stance is beyond my comprehension. We feel it is our duty as patents to give our 3 kids a start in life which includes paying for them to attend university and giving them something towards their first houses. We will always be there to support them even when they are out on their own if they need us. I can't fathom this attitude, |
Anonymous
|
Nobody says that you have to pay for your children's college but you sound like you could not care less whether they go or not. There are so many options besides the expensive private universities such as community college, state university, or even a trade school.
Your son has no idea what it takes to get into college because nobody has even let him know what he needs to do. He is lost. He's asking to visit universities because he has no other way of telling you that he wants to go but needs help. You hinder his way by telling him that he needs cash and better grades and since he didn't get a job when he was 13, he has blown his chance. You have written off his future and he's only in the 11th grade. This is not about money but your son doesn't know that. Perhaps he should talk to a guidance counselor about his post graduation options and what he can do during the next two school years to get to where he wants to go. I really don't think you understand how important this is. |
Anonymous
|
I hope you save up enough for your post-retirement life, because your kids may turn it around on you when you're older and make it clear to you that they are not taking care of you in your old age.
How come you aren't willing to help in any way once they turn 18? Your daughter sounds like a motivated person; did you assist her while she was in college? |