Son is Throwing a Ft Because we Won't pay for his College Education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
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OP here: Me and DH could have paid for all three of our kids to go to college, but that would not have been the right choice.

We are not bad parents, I think we are good parents, we hold them to higher standards then most modern parents who seem to be fine with Bs and smoking weed in the backyard ("As long as we don't see it."). We also refuse to hurt our own chances of retirement because we are financially bogged down with three twenty-somethings who are still our dependents in all but name (like so many 20-somethings are nowadays). It is getting more and more expensive to have a retirement, let alone actually do something with it. You might call us 'bad parents' for wanting to travel the world, and spend our golden years (that we worked our asses off for) in an enjoyable manner. In 20-30 years when we are dead, our kids will have their inheritance- if they want to pay for schooling with it, or buy a house, or buy a couple million ballpoint pens for all I care, they have every right.

Nowadays everyone seems to think of their kids as babies that need to be coddled. We are talking about an older teen, old enough to hold a job on the weekends, make financial decisions, and live on his own. I love all my kids dearly (and yes, I have a GREAT relationship with both older kids) and they know it. But part of that love is shown by striving to see them as adults, not some kid who needs minding.

As for all the swipes at me, that I was just out of touch with the price pf college hurt me the most. I work as a professor, and I worked my ass off to get here. I wholeheartedly believe that college is the best root, for those who can handle it. I have also seen all of your kids sitting in my class thinking that their 2.0 GPA is good enough, and talking about how they have a nice bed back at home already set up for after graduation.

And I also know from experience what kids are like who are coddled. My parents paid for my education, all the way up to my doctorate (in a useless discipline, nowadays!) and it took me a few years to ween myself off my parent's financial teat, so I could be a self-sufficient, reasonable human being.

I know a lot of people who think this way and to some degree I do as well. I come from a family who did not help with college costs but who instilled an incredible work ethic. We all knew we would be on our own after high school and we all have been. Some of us have had nicer lives than others, but some of us worked harder at investing in education and saving than others and have reaped the reward of that.

My siblings didn't/don't pay for their kids college, but my in laws did pay for their kids. But, like our parents, all of the next generation knew/knows they need to move out when they finish school and all who reached that point have gotten their own houses, which they purchased on their own.

We are somewhere in the middle. We have savings sufficient for some community college and some state school years for our kids. But, we aren't putting retirement savings on hold to pay for college and we have had significant expenses raising our kids due to special needs. We have one who, despite passing grades (not quite a 3.0), is definitely not college material and don't intend to waste our money sending him. For him, we are working with him to figure out what other options he has to get him to an independent and comfortable life. This doesn't mean we don't love our kids. For us, it's important to teach our kids to be self sufficient and not to rely on us to give them what we can't and/or what they can do themselves by working at it. There are many people in this area who believe you should pay for your kids' education, but I just don't see anything wrong with the decisions made by OP, my parents, my siblings, and others who believe it is better for their children to figure it out on their own.

OP here:

If you think you can pay for part of their education, and then let them be at it, you are deluded.

Once you start, they will expect you to pay for all of it. And yeah, sure we could pay for 4 years of college today, out of pocket and savings, but what about when they are on year 8 and till have a few years to go because they are morons? I doubt anyone can afford that, and then they will whine about fairness and bullshit. I guarantee you, if you start to pay for college, you will VERY SOON be losing money for your own future.

And yes, my and DH's needs and desires are more Importent then DS'.

Your son has a good gap for college. That was mine but it increased in college as I really enjoyed my major. Thank goodness my parents felt differently. I do not get why you had kids. You parent them. You tell them you will pay for four years pending good grades and expect them to graduate and you will not pay for more. We spend almost half our take home after maxing out work retirement between our child's school, therapies and activities. Regardless, we expect him to go to college and did the prepaid to make sure he had something. So, with planning from birth, many can at least afford a state college. I do not consider investing in my child's future a loss.

If you are a professor, you should value higher education and your children should be able to go for free if they get in. Something is off here.