Son is Throwing a Ft Because we Won't pay for his College Education

[Anonymous]

He is only 17 and a junior. Maybe start talking to him about community college and take him on a tour of one. It's not like he is 20 I would lighten up and focus on high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this isn't a troll, I am depressed.

+1. This is such an ungenerous, hard-ass approach I can't relate to it all. I graduated with $18k in student loans in the late 90s, and worked every summer before that and did work-study all throughout college. I was expected to contribute significantly both to fill in the affordability gap and to have plenty of skin in the game to increase my accountability. But that was on top of what my parents were contributing, which was still a lot and all they could afford. That seems to me a much more reasonable compromise than expecting your 13 year old to understand adult concepts of loans, income, and tuition, then punishing him at 17 for not listening earlier. Way too harsh. And even the one child who seems to have been able to navigate this total lack of parental guidance or generosity or support is probably drowning in student loans. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think it is a good thing that you have a child managing a fast food joint? I don't even know where to start.

That said, why don't you at least talk to him about going to community college first and then the guaranteed admissions programs to state universities after that. If you live in VA, in particular, it is an excellent option, but MD is good too.

Please, stop telling him that he is not prepared to go to college.

I honestly do not understand why people like you have three children. Selfishly, I would love that, but I am not having three children because I cannot afford three children. I would never have three children with the plan from the outset that I would not contribute to college. I just really don't get it.

OP here:

Do I think it's a good thing? He is self sufficient and not sitting in my basement playing videogames like too many people nowadays. Do I wish he was making $100k a year? Yeah, but that's his choice.

I don't think he is ready for any college. If he wants to go to community college, he can on his own dime. At that point, he will not be my responsibility.

He has a 3.0 GPA, he IS NOT ready for further schooling.

A 3.0 gpa is not that bad.

I had a friend who dropped out in 8th grade . She had 2 kids by age 18 and at 25 she decided to get her GED. She came from an awful home life where education was never the focus. She is now a successful attorney. Pleaae don't put a limit on your children but encourage them to reach higher.

[Anonymous]

OP there is no way you went to college. You are never going to get it and I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, in which my 17 YO DS is the youngest. We have always been clear: we don't pay for college, they do. His older sister paid her own way through college, and the middle son decided not to go to college and currently works as a manager at a fast food joint.

We expect all of our kids to get a weekend/summer jobs as soon as they can. Both the older ones did (DD used it to cover what scholarships didn't and DS used it to rent an apartment). We made it clear that we would not be paying for their schooling, and they were expected to be self sufficient after turning 18 (with some possible budging if we thought it was worth it).

DS refused to get a job and even when he sends in applications, he does not follow up. We feel like we have given him every chance to do so.

He is now a junior in high school, and has been pushing us to take him on college visits. We have told him, in no uncertain terms, that we do not believe he has the ability to afford schooling even if he suddenly got a job and saved all his money. Since we had this discussion, he has been freaking out and acting up all the time. Picking fights, refusing to see why we won't spend hundreds of dollars on college visits to schools he will never even apply to.

I'm just sick and tired of all of this. We gave him every opportunity to get the money to pay for college, and he has ignored every attempt. He goes to a good school, but only gets ok grades, from age 13 we have pushed him to get a job, yet he never even seems to try. And now he seems to think he is entitled to a college education.

Is there any way to prove to him he is not prepared to go to college?

why? where did you get this number?

[Anonymous]

What country do you live in that you think an 18 year old, who can never make much more than minimum wage, will be ready to live on his own with only a couple of years of part-time work under his belt? AND afford college, which is tens of thousands a year? You sound so wedded to tough, no-support parenting that you are willfully blind to the realities of American living and education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot under any circumstances imagine doing this to my kids. I have no advice for you as your stance is beyond my comprehension. We feel it is our duty as patents to give our 3 kids a start in life which includes paying for them to attend university and giving them something towards their first houses. We will always be there to support them even when they are out on their own if they need us. I can't fathom this attitude,

You do realize that the vast majority of people can't afford to put three kids through college, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot under any circumstances imagine doing this to my kids. I have no advice for you as your stance is beyond my comprehension. We feel it is our duty as patents to give our 3 kids a start in life which includes paying for them to attend university and giving them something towards their first houses. We will always be there to support them even when they are out on their own if they need us. I can't fathom this attitude,

You do realize that the vast majority of people can't afford to put three kids through college, right?

Then don't have three kids.

[Anonymous]

If you can't afford it, that's one thing. But if you're just refusing to, then shame on you.
Why make your kid's life more difficult? It is hard enough as it is these days.
This absolutely something I will do for my kids if I am able.

[Anonymous]

(1) A 3.0 GPA is not that bad. In my home state, all HS students graduating with a 3.0 were guaranteed admission to at least one state university. Your son earning a 3.0 doesn't mean he's not capable of benefitting from further education. You telling him that over and over again though probably does permanent damage to his self esteem, so please stop. You don't want to pay for college - fine, say that, but don't tell your son he's not worth it. That's awful.

(2) He wants to tour college campuses? Great! Take him to the nearest community college. Have him meet with the admissions office, pick up a catelogue of courses, see the fees, and then just wait and see how and if that changes his motivation to get a part time job. There may be an option to take one course per semester now while he's in HS and have it count towards his HS diploma, as well as future college education. I did that, it was great. It will give your son a flavor for what college can offer.

[Anonymous]

You suck, OP. I paid my own way through school because my parents couldn't afford it, but at least they encouraged and supported me. Your son will hate you and rightly so.

[Anonymous]

DAMN op. I seriously want to cry after reading you post. I'm an only and my mom couldn't afford to put me through college. I bustedtmy ass to pay the balance that student loans didn't cover and almost got kicked out jr. Year because I couldn't pay the full balance. Now that I have two kids of my own I would never wish this fate on them. Thinking back I was very stressed and resented my mom even though I knew she couldnt pay. I hope you reconsider your position on this issue. Especially since it sounds like your son might need a a little more guidance/help then your first two did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, in which my 17 YO DS is the youngest. We have always been clear: we don't pay for college, they do. His older sister paid her own way through college, and the middle son decided not to go to college and currently works as a manager at a fast food joint.

We expect all of our kids to get a weekend/summer jobs as soon as they can. Both the older ones did (DD used it to cover what scholarships didn't and DS used it to rent an apartment). We made it clear that we would not be paying for their schooling, and they were expected to be self sufficient after turning 18 (with some possible budging if we thought it was worth it).

DS refused to get a job and even when he sends in applications, he does not follow up. We feel like we have given him every chance to do so.

He is now a junior in high school, and has been pushing us to take him on college visits. We have told him, in no uncertain terms, that we do not believe he has the ability to afford schooling even if he suddenly got a job and saved all his money. Since we had this discussion, he has been freaking out and acting up all the time. Picking fights, refusing to see why we won't spend hundreds of dollars on college visits to schools he will never even apply to.

I'm just sick and tired of all of this. We gave him every opportunity to get the money to pay for college, and he has ignored every attempt. He goes to a good school, but only gets ok grades, from age 13 we have pushed him to get a job, yet he never even seems to try. And now he seems to think he is entitled to a college education.

Is there any way to prove to him he is not prepared to go to college?

Are you for real? You take credit for "giving him the opportunity" to go earn minimum wage for a few years - a tiny sum that would somehow magically pay for a college education in the United States? Are you seriously for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you even have kids? And I ask that honestly because it sounds like you have actively discouraged them from succeeding. It is my belief that it a basic parental duty to set a kid up for success. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to pay for college (especially if don't have the means), but you need to guide them from an early age and help them find their way to gain that success. Explain that your child can look at the websites, go to meet with the schools when they visit his school and visit local colleges. He can apply without actually visiting the schools.

You sound like a really horrible parent and I don't like saying that, but I cannot imagine any good parent deciding that they are tired of hearing that their 17 year old wants to go to college. Did you go to college yourself? Are you jealous of the potential that your child may be more successful than you? If that's the case, there is nothing that will help your children other than getting away from you. You are not a good role model and your kids need exposure to better people who will encourage and help show them the importance of education.

Also, I don't think that there is any shame in being a manager at a fast food joint, but there is shame in a parent believing that that the only thing their child can handle doing. You have built into your children your own defeatist attitude and that's a true shame.

+1. And I think OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, what's very important for you to understand is that you can't parent every child in the same way. Pushing so much independence on a child who's not ready for it may scutter his success in the long-run. It is cruel to close doors for someone just because they do not meet your narrow expectations of what abilities they are supposed to develop at a specific age.

What you have to ask yourself is *why* your youngest is acting like this. Does he have an undiagnosed learning disability? Being unable to find a job and applying yet not following through college applications seems to me like a possible red flag for ADHD, since one hallmark is a difficulty to multitask and organize. My son has ADHD, like me.

Despite being intellectually capable for college, grad school and an academic career, there is NO WAY I could have held down a job as a teen, received good grades and paid my way through college! Kudos to those who can. But those who cannot should not necessarily be thought of no account. Luckily my parents believed in me, and now I can contribute to advancing cancer research.


What I'm trying to tell you is that

+1