Son is Throwing a Ft Because we Won't pay for his College Education

[Anonymous]

OP, the reality is that your kid can most likely get student loans to pay for school. If you aren't willing to pay, at least help him figure out how to pay for school himself and stop discouraging him from applying because he didn't save up a few hundred dollars working over the summer.

Btw, my parents didn't pay for college either. They weren't "teaching me a lesson," as an 18 year old can't possibly support themselves in today's society unless they are willing to live in poverty and toss their future out the window. They were being selfish - and as an adult, I very rarely have contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not pay for my college education. Granted, I did not attend an Ivy, but I went to a very good university on my own dime and paid off my student loans by the time I was 23 and bought by first condo - by myself - without the help of my parents or anyone else, shortly thereafter.

I seriously don't see what is so wrong with the OP's post and why there is so much coddling going on with parents and their kids these days.

To the PP's that made the snarky comments about old age care - think about it. Your self centered kids who have everything handed to them are REALLY not going to be the best care givers and it frightens me that when I am old and decrepit that a bunch of millenials will be in charge of me!

So! I am glad my parents threw me to the wolves and made me self-sufficient because I shudder to think that I will have to rely on any of your self-important kiddos when I am in my glory days. Hopefully I will keep my good health and not ever have to be at the mercy of a younger generation taking care of me.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not pay for my college education. Granted, I did not attend an Ivy, but I went to a very good university on my own dime and paid off my student loans by the time I was 23 and bought by first condo - by myself - without the help of my parents or anyone else, shortly thereafter.

I seriously don't see what is so wrong with the OP's post and why there is so much coddling going on with parents and their kids these days.

To the PP's that made the snarky comments about old age care - think about it. Your self centered kids who have everything handed to them are REALLY not going to be the best care givers and it frightens me that when I am old and decrepit that a bunch of millenials will be in charge of me!

So! I am glad my parents threw me to the wolves and made me self-sufficient because I shudder to think that I will have to rely on any of your self-important kiddos when I am in my glory days. Hopefully I will keep my good health and not ever have to be at the mercy of a younger generation taking care of me.

The day you start collecting Social Security is the day the "self-important kiddos" start to support you. Remember that. And also know that you will never keep your good health forever and you will absolutely be at the mercy of a younger generation to take care of you. Of course, someone might not want to take care of you because you sound pretty nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm curious: If you can afford to pay for college, some or all, why would you not? Like others, I don't understand why there isn't, if the funds are there, a middle ground. I made so many financial and career sacrifices for my child, who is now in college. That's my approach. Good luck with yours.

OP here: Me and DH could have paid for all three of our kids to go to college, but that would not have been the right choice.

We are not bad parents, I think we are good parents, we hold them to higher standards then most modern parents who seem to be fine with Bs and smoking weed in the backyard ("As long as we don't see it."). We also refuse to hurt our own chances of retirement because we are financially bogged down with three twenty-somethings who are still our dependents in all but name (like so many 20-somethings are nowadays). It is getting more and more expensive to have a retirement, let alone actually do something with it. You might call us 'bad parents' for wanting to travel the world, and spend our golden years (that we worked our asses off for) in an enjoyable manner. In 20-30 years when we are dead, our kids will have their inheritance- if they want to pay for schooling with it, or buy a house, or buy a couple million ballpoint pens for all I care, they have every right.

Nowadays everyone seems to think of their kids as babies that need to be coddled. We are talking about an older teen, old enough to hold a job on the weekends, make financial decisions, and live on his own. I love all my kids dearly (and yes, I have a GREAT relationship with both older kids) and they know it. But part of that love is shown by striving to see them as adults, not some kid who needs minding.

As for all the swipes at me, that I was just out of touch with the price pf college hurt me the most. I work as a professor, and I worked my ass off to get here. I wholeheartedly believe that college is the best root, for those who can handle it. I have also seen all of your kids sitting in my class thinking that their 2.0 GPA is good enough, and talking about how they have a nice bed back at home already set up for after graduation.

And I also know from experience what kids are like who are coddled. My parents paid for my education, all the way up to my doctorate (in a useless discipline, nowadays!) and it took me a few years to ween myself off my parent's financial teat, so I could be a self-sufficient, reasonable human being.

[Anonymous]

OP here again:

Forgot this before. To all of you morons who claim I will pay for it in my old age. Even disregarding the fact that I have a great relationship with both of my older kids, the whole reason we are not shelling out $$$ for college is so we dont have to rely on our kids being employed/ employed well to survive into old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, in which my 17 YO DS is the youngest. We have always been clear: we don't pay for college, they do. His older sister paid her own way through college, and the middle son decided not to go to college and currently works as a manager at a fast food joint.

We expect all of our kids to get a weekend/summer jobs as soon as they can. Both the older ones did (DD used it to cover what scholarships didn't and DS used it to rent an apartment). We made it clear that we would not be paying for their schooling, and they were expected to be self sufficient after turning 18 (with some possible budging if we thought it was worth it).

DS refused to get a job and even when he sends in applications, he does not follow up. We feel like we have given him every chance to do so.

He is now a junior in high school, and has been pushing us to take him on college visits. We have told him, in no uncertain terms, that we do not believe he has the ability to afford schooling even if he suddenly got a job and saved all his money. Since we had this discussion, he has been freaking out and acting up all the time. Picking fights, refusing to see why we won't spend hundreds of dollars on college visits to schools he will never even apply to.

I'm just sick and tired of all of this. We gave him every opportunity to get the money to pay for college, and he has ignored every attempt. He goes to a good school, but only gets ok grades, from age 13 we have pushed him to get a job, yet he never even seems to try. And now he seems to think he is entitled to a college education.

Is there any way to prove to him he is not prepared to go to college?

College is pretty hard to finance without some help from parents. I think there is a middle ground between coddling a kid and helping them. FWIW, I think the coddling is as bad or worse than what you're doing.

Is there a reason that you don't help with college? If it's financially impossible, I totally get it.

If it's to make your kid self sufficient--some kids are more mature than others and they may come by it naturally (your daughter sounds mature). Thirteen year old boys who need to get jobs and delay gratification- good luck. Probably why your other son now works in fast food instead of planning for his future.

We put aside an account for college that we donate to regularly. We've explained to our kid (not college age) that university will be a job. If he does poorly, we will stop paying. If he's a bad investment (immature, irresponsible), we'll have him defer, get a job, grow up, then we'll help when he's ready.

Best to you- I think you're a hard ass. I think kids take in hard parental lessons when parents are supportive amd loving. Your child may or may not appreciate you later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm curious: If you can afford to pay for college, some or all, why would you not? Like others, I don't understand why there isn't, if the funds are there, a middle ground. I made so many financial and career sacrifices for my child, who is now in college. That's my approach. Good luck with yours.

OP here: Me and DH could have paid for all three of our kids to go to college, but that would not have been the right choice.

We are not bad parents, I think we are good parents, we hold them to higher standards then most modern parents who seem to be fine with Bs and smoking weed in the backyard ("As long as we don't see it."). We also refuse to hurt our own chances of retirement because we are financially bogged down with three twenty-somethings who are still our dependents in all but name (like so many 20-somethings are nowadays). It is getting more and more expensive to have a retirement, let alone actually do something with it. You might call us 'bad parents' for wanting to travel the world, and spend our golden years (that we worked our asses off for) in an enjoyable manner. In 20-30 years when we are dead, our kids will have their inheritance- if they want to pay for schooling with it, or buy a house, or buy a couple million ballpoint pens for all I care, they have every right.

Nowadays everyone seems to think of their kids as babies that need to be coddled. We are talking about an older teen, old enough to hold a job on the weekends, make financial decisions, and live on his own. I love all my kids dearly (and yes, I have a GREAT relationship with both older kids) and they know it. But part of that love is shown by striving to see them as adults, not some kid who needs minding.

As for all the swipes at me, that I was just out of touch with the price pf college hurt me the most. I work as a professor, and I worked my ass off to get here. I wholeheartedly believe that college is the best root, for those who can handle it. I have also seen all of your kids sitting in my class thinking that their 2.0 GPA is good enough, and talking about how they have a nice bed back at home already set up for after graduation.

And I also know from experience what kids are like who are coddled. My parents paid for my education, all the way up to my doctorate (in a useless discipline, nowadays!) and it took me a few years to ween myself off my parent's financial teat, so I could be a self-sufficient, reasonable human being.

I hope you don't teach writing! Now I really think it's a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm curious: If you can afford to pay for college, some or all, why would you not? Like others, I don't understand why there isn't, if the funds are there, a middle ground. I made so many financial and career sacrifices for my child, who is now in college. That's my approach. Good luck with yours.

OP here: Me and DH could have paid for all three of our kids to go to college, but that would not have been the right choice.

We are not bad parents, I think we are good parents, we hold them to higher standards then most modern parents who seem to be fine with Bs and smoking weed in the backyard ("As long as we don't see it."). We also refuse to hurt our own chances of retirement because we are financially bogged down with three twenty-somethings who are still our dependents in all but name (like so many 20-somethings are nowadays). It is getting more and more expensive to have a retirement, let alone actually do something with it. You might call us 'bad parents' for wanting to travel the world, and spend our golden years (that we worked our asses off for) in an enjoyable manner. In 20-30 years when we are dead, our kids will have their inheritance- if they want to pay for schooling with it, or buy a house, or buy a couple million ballpoint pens for all I care, they have every right.

Nowadays everyone seems to think of their kids as babies that need to be coddled. We are talking about an older teen, old enough to hold a job on the weekends, make financial decisions, and live on his own. I love all my kids dearly (and yes, I have a GREAT relationship with both older kids) and they know it. But part of that love is shown by striving to see them as adults, not some kid who needs minding.

As for all the swipes at me, that I was just out of touch with the price pf college hurt me the most. I work as a professor, and I worked my ass off to get here. I wholeheartedly believe that college is the best root, for those who can handle it. I have also seen all of your kids sitting in my class thinking that their 2.0 GPA is good enough, and talking about how they have a nice bed back at home already set up for after graduation.

And I also know from experience what kids are like who are coddled. My parents paid for my education, all the way up to my doctorate (in a useless discipline, nowadays!) and it took me a few years to ween myself off my parent's financial teat, so I could be a self-sufficient, reasonable human being.

I hope you don't teach writing! Now I really think it's a troll.

Oops I made a few errors on a Internet forum!!! Let's just attack me!

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you think a teenager is supposed to save enough for college?? They are going to earn enough working part time waiting tables? You're also missing the point that you could help guide them through the financial aide process. There are ways for him to get loans and aide even without you funding a darn thing. How is a teenager supposed to know about these things? You won't even help him try and make this happen for himself. And he's now a junior but somehow know that by the time he's able to be a freshman in college, he won't be ready? Of course he's not ready now. Dear God, if you love him, help him. You come off as proud of your lack of support.

[Anonymous]

The OP is a complete troll because any college professor (or high school grad) would know when to use "I" v. "Me" and the difference between "root" and "route". I think we can all stop feeding the troll...

[Anonymous]

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not pay for my college education. Granted, I did not attend an Ivy, but I went to a very good university on my own dime and paid off my student loans by the time I was 23 and bought by first condo - by myself - without the help of my parents or anyone else, shortly thereafter.

I seriously don't see what is so wrong with the OP's post and why there is so much coddling going on with parents and their kids these days.

To the PP's that made the snarky comments about old age care - think about it. Your self centered kids who have everything handed to them are REALLY not going to be the best care givers and it frightens me that when I am old and decrepit that a bunch of millenials will be in charge of me!

So! I am glad my parents threw me to the wolves and made me self-sufficient because I shudder to think that I will have to rely on any of your self-important kiddos when I am in my glory days. Hopefully I will keep my good health and not ever have to be at the mercy of a younger generation taking care of me.

The day you start collecting Social Security is the day the "self-important kiddos" start to support you. Remember that. And also know that you will never keep your good health forever and you will absolutely be at the mercy of a younger generation to take care of you. Of course, someone might not want to take care of you because you sound pretty nasty.

I sound nasty why, exactly? Because I have paid for everything for myself my whole life?

And I don't want "self-important kiddos" to be taking care of me when I am old? I'd rather take care of myself as I always have, thanks.

You really don't sound like someone that someone would like to take care of NOW or when you are old. I feel sorry for your children who have to inherit you.

Have you financed college funds for all of your children? If so, good for them and good for you.

You sound like a smug jackass.

[Anonymous]

If OP really is a professor, then it sounds a lot like she hates students and has projected her contempt and dislike of them onto her own children. That rant against her spoiled students is creepy. Yes, ALL college kids are spoiled losers with 2.0 GPA's who can't wait to move back to their parents' house. Sure, OP. If you're a professor, I'd bet anything you're an adjunct. It would explain a lot of your resentment and bitterness.

[Anonymous]

Most college professors I know can have their kids go to the school they work at for free, if they can get in.

You are selfish. You didn't have to struggle and see no value in what your parents did so you assume your kids will be the same way. If your kids go in the wrong direction, its either them or your parenting. No reason you could not help out with a set amount. I'd rather see my kids educated with a chance at a good life than traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a complete troll because any college professor (or high school grad) would know when to use "I" v. "Me" and the difference between "root" and "route". I think we can all stop feeding the troll...

Agree. Plus a college professor would get tuition discounts at her college so wouldn't be so fixated on the fast food jobs. And every college professor I know is pretty focused on education for their kids. I'm glad to know that these aren't real kids.