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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums,  and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

[b]At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace[/b]. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped? [/quote]

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?
[/quote]

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me.  This is one.  There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult.  Just how to protect yourself.  The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful.  And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution.  We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys.  We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift.  I could keep going.  And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around.  But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset.  As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent.  And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom.  But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid.  So you need to own your obligations here.  I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

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