Advice for Daughter Traveling with College BF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

If we include you in a family activity, we treat you as family. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

It's just cultural differences.

There are some reasons for it.

I had Asian friends who got married. They were very careful to record the exact amounts of cash they received from each gift giver. It was explained to me that their parents needed to give that exact amount or more to the donors' children or it would cause loss of face. The bridal couple also knelt on the floor/and bowed to the parents. And at some point the family threw something heavier than rice at the bride (figs? candies?).

My wedding didn't incorporate any of these ideas. They aren't a fit with my tradition. But I wasn't appalled by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to hostess gift. If she's from a different region of the country from them, maybe a hometown favorite candy. Flowers can also be nice assuming no allergies and a convenient place to buy them. Another nice thought might be a boardgame that the parents and young couple can play together - if there's one the parents won't have.

Unless these people are incredibly rich, I would not expect them to pay for lift tickets, rentals, and slopeside meals for a guest. (Unless they get guest passes for free with their house/condo.) Yes for an invited dinner out. I would assume that the invitation covers housing, meals at the house, and maybe a fancy dinner out.

I grew up solidly middle class, but if we invited someone anywhere, we paid for them. That's just the decent thing to do.

Yes.

I’ve never heard of paying for someone else’s lift ticket and ski rental.

Really? We don’t ski but my kids have been invited for by various families to ski. They always pay. I always send kids with money but the families never allow it.

[Anonymous]

Look, I think this is a great test for the young couple and the young man making the invitation.

Can then young man make this an affordable, fun trip for the daughter, being sensitive and kind about the expenses and helping her feel comfortable with his family?

If course there is a scenario in which the young man is unaware of his financial privilege and isn’t thoughtful and sensitive. In that case, good to know.

I hope he can and your daughter had a wonderful time OP!

[Anonymous]

There is no way I am not paying for guest (first gf trip) lift ticket. Just not happening.

Maybe different with a friend where you know family can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

If we include you in a family activity, we treat you as family. Period.

+2

My family is of Vietnamese descent, and my college-aged son has invited his white girlfriend to join us on a four-week vacation to South America starting tomorrow. My husband and I will be traveling with them, and we plan to treat her like family. She’ll be flying first class with us to Buenos Aires, staying at a five-star hotel, and enjoying whatever activities my son and his girlfriend choose, all at our expense. My husband has also given my son a platinum American Express card to cover any spending expense between he and his GF during the trip. From what I've seen, this young woman is humble, kind, and considerate, and I could genuinely see her as a future daughter-in-law. I just hope my son doesn’t screw things up. Regardless of the activities, we’ll treat her like part of the family, and whether they choose to share a room or have separate accommodations is their choice. After all, they’re adults, and it’s none of my business.

As the PP said, it is just inconsiderate and rude to expect her to pay for the trip, at least in my Vietnamese culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

Agree. I think for the most part, as kids are growing up, parents generally give their kids the money to cover whatever expenses are needed for the day's activity. Sometimes it's needed; sometimes it's not. It will depend on the parents making the invitation. But it's unpredictable.

But a ski vacation is a different level of expense. I would never in a million years invite one of my kids significant others on an expensive vacation and expect them to pay for things. But some families do. And the wealthier families tend not to even think about this kind of thing. A $300 dollar lift pass is nothing for them. It doesn't even occur to them that this might be an issue for a college student.

In any event, this is a good test for a young relationship. When thinking long term, families do matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

If we include you in a family activity, we treat you as family. Period.

+2

My family is of Vietnamese descent, and my college-aged son has invited his white girlfriend to join us on a four-week vacation to South America starting tomorrow. My husband and I will be traveling with them, and we plan to treat her like family. She’ll be flying first class with us to Buenos Aires, staying at a five-star hotel, and enjoying whatever activities my son and his girlfriend choose, all at our expense. My husband has also given my son a platinum American Express card to cover any spending expense between he and his GF during the trip. From what I've seen, this young woman is humble, kind, and considerate, and I could genuinely see her as a future daughter-in-law. I just hope my son doesn’t screw things up. Regardless of the activities, we’ll treat her like part of the family, and whether they choose to share a room or have separate accommodations is their choice. After all, they’re adults, and it’s none of my business.

As the PP said, it is just inconsiderate and rude to expect her to pay for the trip, at least in my Vietnamese culture.

Are you sure that's not global rich person culture?

I would not accept what looks to be a $5K vacation from a boyfriend's parents. Paying for my own ticket, sharing an AirBnB maybe. As a fiancee, I would, but not as a girlfriend. I think there are some cultural lines.

I think there are several different strains of cultural norms among wealthy white Americans. My background isn't the same as everyone else. I get that. I've seen other threads on DCUM about when do parents pay for treat vacations for SOs of their children. There are wide differences of opinion. It's not worth getting appalled about. You just have to understand what the norms are of the families you're dealing with.

If I had a boyfriend with an unlimited parental credit card, I'd be wondering if he came with his own funds to support that after graduation. Or if I'd end up going halfsies on big spending out of my salary. Or if his parents were going to use wealth to control his behavior. I have an Asian-American BIL and my parents worried what his family would expect of my sister in line with their values.

Money norms are tricky. This is an interesting discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to hostess gift. If she's from a different region of the country from them, maybe a hometown favorite candy. Flowers can also be nice assuming no allergies and a convenient place to buy them. Another nice thought might be a boardgame that the parents and young couple can play together - if there's one the parents won't have.

Unless these people are incredibly rich, I would not expect them to pay for lift tickets, rentals, and slopeside meals for a guest. (Unless they get guest passes for free with their house/condo.) Yes for an invited dinner out. I would assume that the invitation covers housing, meals at the house, and maybe a fancy dinner out.

I grew up solidly middle class, but if we invited someone anywhere, we paid for them. That's just the decent thing to do.

Yes.

+1
We invited my daughter's boyfriend on a family trip to Europe and paid for everything - his plane tickets, hotels, meals, etc. And we are definitely not UMC. I would never invite someone and then expect them to pay their way. That's just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

+100
Not of Chinese descent, but I agree completely. When you invite someone anywhere, they are YOUR guest. That means you are treating them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to hostess gift. If she's from a different region of the country from them, maybe a hometown favorite candy. Flowers can also be nice assuming no allergies and a convenient place to buy them. Another nice thought might be a boardgame that the parents and young couple can play together - if there's one the parents won't have.

Unless these people are incredibly rich, I would not expect them to pay for lift tickets, rentals, and slopeside meals for a guest. (Unless they get guest passes for free with their house/condo.) Yes for an invited dinner out. I would assume that the invitation covers housing, meals at the house, and maybe a fancy dinner out.

I grew up solidly middle class, but if we invited someone anywhere, we paid for them. That's just the decent thing to do.

Yes.

+1
We invited my daughter's boyfriend on a family trip to Europe and paid for everything - his plane tickets, hotels, meals, etc. And we are definitely not UMC. I would never invite someone and then expect them to pay their way. That's just rude.

If you are taking a family trip to Europe, with or without a random boyfriend, you are definitely upper middle class.

[Anonymous]

If this were the BF and his friends inviting the GF along, yea she’d pay for herself. But the family inviting her? I’d be super surprised if they didn’t pay for her too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to hostess gift. If she's from a different region of the country from them, maybe a hometown favorite candy. Flowers can also be nice assuming no allergies and a convenient place to buy them. Another nice thought might be a boardgame that the parents and young couple can play together - if there's one the parents won't have.

Unless these people are incredibly rich, I would not expect them to pay for lift tickets, rentals, and slopeside meals for a guest. (Unless they get guest passes for free with their house/condo.) Yes for an invited dinner out. I would assume that the invitation covers housing, meals at the house, and maybe a fancy dinner out.

I grew up solidly middle class, but if we invited someone anywhere, we paid for them. That's just the decent thing to do.

Yes.

+1
We invited my daughter's boyfriend on a family trip to Europe and paid for everything - his plane tickets, hotels, meals, etc. And we are definitely not UMC. I would never invite someone and then expect them to pay their way. That's just rude.

If you are taking a family trip to Europe, with or without a random boyfriend, you are definitely upper middle class.

This was a huge deal for our family - a once in a lifetime trip. So no, we are not UMC. We saved for years for this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

If we include you in a family activity, we treat you as family. Period.

+2

My family is of Vietnamese descent, and my college-aged son has invited his white girlfriend to join us on a four-week vacation to South America starting tomorrow. My husband and I will be traveling with them, and we plan to treat her like family. She’ll be flying first class with us to Buenos Aires, staying at a five-star hotel, and enjoying whatever activities my son and his girlfriend choose, all at our expense. My husband has also given my son a platinum American Express card to cover any spending expense between he and his GF during the trip. From what I've seen, this young woman is humble, kind, and considerate, and I could genuinely see her as a future daughter-in-law. I just hope my son doesn’t screw things up. Regardless of the activities, we’ll treat her like part of the family, and whether they choose to share a room or have separate accommodations is their choice. After all, they’re adults, and it’s none of my business.

As the PP said, it is just inconsiderate and rude to expect her to pay for the trip, at least in my Vietnamese culture.

I agree with you and the sentiment expressed but there is some major humble-bragging going on. Why did you have to mention the platinum Amex? Is it relevant what type of Amex you gave your son? Mazel Tov on your great success in life. The whole point of this thread is acting like you've been there before. Which you generally seem to do so I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But careful with the name dropping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are of Chinese descent. We would never invite anyone to our house and expect them to pay hefty for entertainment or anything, or leave them out for group activities we initiate. That’s just inconsiderate and rude. I am appalled by this thread.

If we include you in a family activity, we treat you as family. Period.

+1