Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

As a DH this is pretty much it. I would rather not work but my job is pretty easy and I Make a lot of money.

The biggest benefit is that we can actually do stuff together without trying to match up calendars, lunch dates, last minute travel, both go to DSs school activities etc.

I can’t understand wanting or expecting your spouse to work if you don’t really need the income.

My wife stays busy. It makes both of our lives easier and less stressful.

Very high earners don’t care if the wife works. DH earns 2-3m. I used to work. I wanted to stay home with our kids and DH was fully supportive. I obviously would not stay home if DH didn’t want to support me.

If my spouse was earning millions per year and insisted that I had to put our kids in daycare/nanny care so I could work 8 hours a day at my 100k office job plus commute - I would of course keep working, but I’d also file for divorce.

It is the lower to medium earning men who would want and insist the wife to work.

The tradwife TikTok trend requires the man to have $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and her husband makes millions. She has no idea about their financial situation because he controls everything and she feels like she has no ability to do anything other than be a mom. He literally brought her home a new car last year and said, this is your car. She didn't pick it out or anything, he just decided that would be her new car. Sure, from the outside I can see how her life is enviable - massive house, one kid, tons of money, spends a lot of time with friends, works out, always looks great, has cleaners, etc. But I know more how she feels and it isn't great. Her husband also never changed a diaper or put the kid to bed. So no, I'm not jealous of her.

You just described my mom. She's never had access to money besides the cash she gets in an envelope at the beginning of the month. My parents have plenty of money, and she has always had a nice car and a nice, big house, but she is entirely in the dark about my dad's finances, and she's basically lived as a child relative to him their entire marriage. Their marriage is why I work even though DH's income is enough to support our family.

[Anonymous]

Resentment is not in our marriage vocabulary. Resentment is a feeling of anger or displeasure that results from something perceived as an insult, injury, or wrong, often caused by being forced to accept something you don't want.

When you work together toward common goals, respect each other, communicate well, and mutually compromise when needed, resentment, by definition, is not even possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and her husband makes millions. She has no idea about their financial situation because he controls everything and she feels like she has no ability to do anything other than be a mom. He literally brought her home a new car last year and said, this is your car. She didn't pick it out or anything, he just decided that would be her new car. Sure, from the outside I can see how her life is enviable - massive house, one kid, tons of money, spends a lot of time with friends, works out, always looks great, has cleaners, etc. But I know more how she feels and it isn't great. Her husband also never changed a diaper or put the kid to bed. So no, I'm not jealous of her.

You just described my mom. She's never had access to money besides the cash she gets in an envelope at the beginning of the month. My parents have plenty of money, and she has always had a nice car and a nice, big house, but she is entirely in the dark about my dad's finances, and she's basically lived as a child relative to him their entire marriage. Their marriage is why I work even though DH's income is enough to support our family.

You realize that you could SAH and not have a dysfunctional nightmare as a husband right? Most SAH parents I know are also in charge of the household finances and taxes.

[Anonymous]

DH prefers I stay home, even though our kids are teenagers. His life is so much better. I enjoy cooking. He never has to worry about laundry, errands, housework, even yardwork (which he doesn't like to do). He can work late and travel for work whenever he wants, which has benefitted his career immensely. I can't imagine him ever thinking about being resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

You are not a good friend. It's too bad your friends don't know how you feel because they'd drop you in a heartbeat. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage and family life.

Why? I’m sure there are things my friends wonder about with me as well. I would feel strange lounging by a pool or working out daily knowing my husband is bankrolling all of it. My husband makes more money than I do, and I still have elements of this feeling - but I am the default parent and manage a ton around the house. I would legitimately feel weird just hanging by a pool all day while someone else takes care of my kids and my spouse works. The only exceptions would be if I was retired or had some huge trust fund and I had contributed/wasn’t entirely financially dependent on my spouse (and even then I’d still want to do some stimulating project.)

What many people seem to forget, is that the DH is only able to "bankroll" anything because the DW is taking care of everything else[b], thereby giving him the time and mental energy to do his job really well.

People who get their fulfillment from an office job are sad AF.
-mom who has stayed home, worked full=time, and is now part-time.

Many successful men at my work have successful wives, so the bold is categorically false for some/many people. Maybe some men cannot do menial things like cook, clean, and organize home maintenance - most men can do this just like most women can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

You are not a good friend. It's too bad your friends don't know how you feel because they'd drop you in a heartbeat. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage and family life.

Why? I’m sure there are things my friends wonder about with me as well. I would feel strange lounging by a pool or working out daily knowing my husband is bankrolling all of it. My husband makes more money than I do, and I still have elements of this feeling - but I am the default parent and manage a ton around the house. I would legitimately feel weird just hanging by a pool all day while someone else takes care of my kids and my spouse works. The only exceptions would be if I was retired or had some huge trust fund and I had contributed/wasn’t entirely financially dependent on my spouse (and even then I’d still want to do some stimulating project.)

What many people seem to forget, is that the DH is only able to "bankroll" anything because the DW is taking care of everything else[b], thereby giving him the time and mental energy to do his job really well.

People who get their fulfillment from an office job are sad AF.
-mom who has stayed home, worked full=time, and is now part-time.

Many successful men at my work have successful wives, so the bold is categorically false for some/many people. Maybe some men cannot do menial things like cook, clean, and organize home maintenance - most men can do this just like most women can work.

Successful is relative. The men I know who are at the top of their industries often have wives who do not work or have hobby jobs. Men who earn 200-400k may have a wife who also earns 200-400k. Most people would consider both the husband and wife successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world

It's the opposite. Younger women realized that majority of women trying to have fulfilling successful careers and functioning family/households fail and are miserable and don't want this. They see their mothers unhappy when they failed to "lean in" or got ousted after giving birth and wanting some work-life balance or had to resort to middling jobs just to pay the bills. They saw them tired and irritable, juggling messy homes and sleep training their infants and offloading their toddlers to the uneducated barely English speaking foreign nannies, or schlepping them to the dodgy daycares barely awake on their way to a meaningless middling job. For every woman who is a C level exec, a partner or an owner of a successful company there are many thousands whose lives reflect what I said above. It's the truth. I am no SAHM, I am an equal earner with my DH having contributed half of our NW.

Yes, all of this is true!

AND for every high earning man there are 100 more in middling careers just trying to provide a life and income. This equation goes both ways. Women entering the workforce caused inflation. It means that 2 middling earners are now needed for a middle class lifestyle, whereas in the 60s only one was needed. And to make matters worse high earning women marry high earning men, so the disparity is even bigger. High earning men are somewhat ambivalent to the earning power of their spouse, studies show. Although younger men are starting to care more.

I am also an equal earner with my husband.

[Anonymous]

I think there are some gross streotypes being thrown around here. I’m a sahm w 3 kids. My husband earns a lot but is constantly working/traveling. Not only am I with the kids, I clean the house, make all the meals, do the gardening, home repairs, mow the lawn. For me this is hard work and not some sort of princess lifestyle. I gave up my career but, in our family’s case I think it was the right thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not resentful. My wife makes the house a nice place to be and is a great, present parent.

[Anonymous]

I work in finance. Many of my colleagues (who are making millions) have the type of wife OP describes. It’s definitely a status symbol and they are proud of having well kept wives and children… the hitch is that at least some of them find they grow apart. The wives may have MBAs or JDs have had interesting careers before kids, but by the time the kids are in middle school and the wives are perfecting their tennis games, they’ve lost touch with the working world. It can be fine as long as everyone’s happy but if the man is dealing with work upheaval he may look elsewhere for emotional (and eventually other) support…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and her husband makes millions. She has no idea about their financial situation because he controls everything and she feels like she has no ability to do anything other than be a mom. He literally brought her home a new car last year and said, this is your car. She didn't pick it out or anything, he just decided that would be her new car. Sure, from the outside I can see how her life is enviable - massive house, one kid, tons of money, spends a lot of time with friends, works out, always looks great, has cleaners, etc. But I know more how she feels and it isn't great. Her husband also never changed a diaper or put the kid to bed. So no, I'm not jealous of her.

You just described my mom. She's never had access to money besides the cash she gets in an envelope at the beginning of the month. My parents have plenty of money, and she has always had a nice car and a nice, big house, but she is entirely in the dark about my dad's finances, and she's basically lived as a child relative to him their entire marriage. Their marriage is why I work even though DH's income is enough to support our family.

You realize that you could SAH and not have a dysfunctional nightmare as a husband right? Most SAH parents I know are also in charge of the household finances and taxes.

The opposite is true for the ones I know - no idea what their husbands do with their money. Although I am older (52) so the SAHMs at my age are pretty much unemployable. They are very different to a younger mom home with kids with plans to return to work at some stage.

[Anonymous]

Resentment can come up in all marriages.

That having been said I’m now in my 50s and the number of men I know (not close friends) who are suddenly resentful of their longtime SAHM wives but for years portrayed a very happy relationship is alarming. The empty nest divorce thing is real.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I work in finance. Many of my colleagues (who are making millions) have the type of wife OP describes. It’s definitely a status symbol and they are proud of having well kept wives and children… the hitch is that at least some of them find they grow apart. The wives may have MBAs or JDs have had interesting careers before kids, but by the time the kids are in middle school and the wives are perfecting their tennis games, they’ve lost touch with the working world. It can be fine as long as everyone’s happy but if the man is dealing with work upheaval he may look elsewhere for emotional (and eventually other) support…[/quote]
I once had a boss who would have liked to have had a roving eye but decided it wasn’t worth losing 50% of everything for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

+1