Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

My husband would never want to trade places with me because as leisurely as my life is, I’m still the on demand parent with much more day to day childcare responsibilities. And he loves his job. The reality is that married or not, rich or not, he would still choose to work the hours and job he does. It makes him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

OP here. I am totally jealous of my sah friends and tell them that. I mean, I’m jealous of the getting to be home with their kids aspect. And not having to balance kids and a career.

What I don’t understand is not working and not spending the time with your kids either. I’m not jealous of sitting by the pool all day why husband supports everything - to me that would feel strange. Like even if they had a low paying for fun part time career that would be something. Which is why I’m curious how people in these marriages feel.

You’re deliberately asking about parents of not young kids though. The reality is when your kids are a bit older, they are busy! You aren’t spending time with them so much as shuffling them to ballet or sports practice and making their meals and cleaning up after them. Teens have a life separate from you, so you’re a support and life coach and confidante, but day to day they keep themselves occupied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother works all day and then has to go home and make dinner because his stay at home wife doesn’t ever cook. I would resent that.

My parents had this arrangement, but they liked it. Cooking is my dad's hobby, and it relaxed him after work. My mom did the grocery shopping for him, and made meals when he wasn't up for it, which was rare.

Same for my in laws, plus she simply was the worst cook ever and he wanted to eat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

Very young GenX and this isn’t my experience at all as a wealthy SAHM of school age kids with a large circle of friends of the same set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

You are not a good friend. It's too bad your friends don't know how you feel because they'd drop you in a heartbeat. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage and family life.

Why? I’m sure there are things my friends wonder about with me as well. I would feel strange lounging by a pool or working out daily knowing my husband is bankrolling all of it. My husband makes more money than I do, and I still have elements of this feeling - but I am the default parent and manage a ton around the house. I would legitimately feel weird just hanging by a pool all day while someone else takes care of my kids and my spouse works. The only exceptions would be if I was retired or had some huge trust fund and I had contributed/wasn’t entirely financially dependent on my spouse (and even then I’d still want to do some stimulating project.)

What many people seem to forget, is that the DH is only able to "bankroll" anything because the DW is taking care of everything else, thereby giving him the time and mental energy to do his job really well.

People who get their fulfillment from an office job are sad AF.
-mom who has stayed home, worked full=time, and is now part-time.

So is the high earning spouse whose career is possible due to the stay at home spouse “sad” because they get fulfillment from their career? Or is it only sad for women to get fulfillment?

Anyway this isn’t about fulfillment from an office job. It’s about fulfillment from not doing much of anything productive. That’s kind of sad too. Raising kids as a highly involved stay at home parent is productive and we’re not talking about that either.

OP isn’t asking about whether this woman is leading a productive life. I don’t get paid, my kids are in full day school and I would consider my life leisurely, BUT I am also very involved in local nonprofits, my church and committed to volunteer work. Don’t assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

OP here. I am totally jealous of my sah friends and tell them that. I mean, I’m jealous of the getting to be home with their kids aspect. And not having to balance kids and a career.

What I don’t understand is not working and not spending the time with your kids either. I’m not jealous of sitting by the pool all day why husband supports everything - to me that would feel strange. Like even if they had a low paying for fun part time career that would be something. Which is why I’m curious how people in these marriages feel.

There's no one answer here because it's dependent on the two people in the marriage (and also possibly the kids they have).

I know a man whose wife stays at home and he thinks she's now boring and dumber than she used to be when she worked. He isn't happy with their arrangement at all.

I know a man whose wife stays at home and he thinks she hung the moon and is the most amazing person on the planet and he's so grateful for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and her husband makes millions. She has no idea about their financial situation because he controls everything and she feels like she has no ability to do anything other than be a mom. He literally brought her home a new car last year and said, this is your car. She didn't pick it out or anything, he just decided that would be her new car. Sure, from the outside I can see how her life is enviable - massive house, one kid, tons of money, spends a lot of time with friends, works out, always looks great, has cleaners, etc. But I know more how she feels and it isn't great. Her husband also never changed a diaper or put the kid to bed. So no, I'm not jealous of her.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter who stays home in a marriage. Income and assets are equally both, and it's a decision among the couple. That should be discussed early on. If a woman wants to be a SAH then don't date men who aren't on board with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would care zero. He is inherently selfish and just cared about his plate. He’s actually really sweet and kind but whether hes at work and im at the pool or im at home with the kids affects him zero. And we have enough money (now) that i can pick “either lane” and again, he wouldnt care or even notice. I find men to hold much less resentment than women and this is one plus of that.

Sounds like he'd notice if you went back to work and asked him to pull his weight with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and her husband makes millions. She has no idea about their financial situation because he controls everything and she feels like she has no ability to do anything other than be a mom. He literally brought her home a new car last year and said, this is your car. She didn't pick it out or anything, he just decided that would be her new car. Sure, from the outside I can see how her life is enviable - massive house, one kid, tons of money, spends a lot of time with friends, works out, always looks great, has cleaners, etc. But I know more how she feels and it isn't great. Her husband also never changed a diaper or put the kid to bed. So no, I'm not jealous of her.

I had a friend similar to her. They got divorced and she got half, has a good retirement plus he has to pay alimony until she remarries. In a marriage everything is spousal even if one doesn't think it is, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would care zero. He is inherently selfish and just cared about his plate. He’s actually really sweet and kind but whether hes at work and im at the pool or im at home with the kids affects him zero. And we have enough money (now) that i can pick “either lane” and again, he wouldnt care or even notice. I find men to hold much less resentment than women and this is one plus of that.

Sounds like he'd notice if you went back to work and asked him to pull his weight with your family.

You think a guy like that would pull his weight because she “asks”? Not happening. She can divorce or adapt but a selfish man isn’t changing.

[Anonymous]

I am. I'm a wife working full time in office. My husband "retired" early when he got laid off. He is absolutely living a leisurely life. Occasionally he will make dinner but that's about once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

As a DH this is pretty much it. I would rather not work but my job is pretty easy and I Make a lot of money.

The biggest benefit is that we can actually do stuff together without trying to match up calendars, lunch dates, last minute travel, both go to DSs school activities etc.

I can’t understand wanting or expecting your spouse to work if you don’t really need the income.

My wife stays busy. It makes both of our lives easier and less stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

As a DH this is pretty much it. I would rather not work but my job is pretty easy and I Make a lot of money.

The biggest benefit is that we can actually do stuff together without trying to match up calendars, lunch dates, last minute travel, both go to DSs school activities etc.

I can’t understand wanting or expecting your spouse to work if you don’t really need the income.

My wife stays busy. It makes both of our lives easier and less stressful.

Very high earners don’t care if the wife works. DH earns 2-3m. I used to work. I wanted to stay home with our kids and DH was fully supportive. I obviously would not stay home if DH didn’t want to support me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

As a DH this is pretty much it. I would rather not work but my job is pretty easy and I Make a lot of money.

The biggest benefit is that we can actually do stuff together without trying to match up calendars, lunch dates, last minute travel, both go to DSs school activities etc.

I can’t understand wanting or expecting your spouse to work if you don’t really need the income.

My wife stays busy. It makes both of our lives easier and less stressful.

Very high earners don’t care if the wife works. DH earns 2-3m. I used to work. I wanted to stay home with our kids and DH was fully supportive. I obviously would not stay home if DH didn’t want to support me.

If my spouse was earning millions per year and insisted that I had to put our kids in daycare/nanny care so I could work 8 hours a day at my 100k office job plus commute - I would of course keep working, but I’d also file for divorce.