Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

Every couple's needs, wants, circumstances and dynamics is different. One hat doesn't fit all heads equally. Also, you don't know if lady with nanny and maid has some health condition, they don't want to talk about or have a trust fund they don't want to advertise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world

It's the opposite. Younger women realized that majority of women trying to have fulfilling successful careers and functioning family/households fail and are miserable and don't want this. They see their mothers unhappy when they failed to "lean in" or got ousted after giving birth and wanting some work-life balance or had to resort to middling jobs just to pay the bills. They saw them tired and irritable, juggling messy homes and sleep training their infants and offloading their toddlers to the uneducated barely English speaking foreign nannies, or schlepping them to the dodgy daycares barely awake on their way to a meaningless middling job. For every woman who is a C level exec, a partner or an owner of a successful company there are many thousands whose lives reflect what I said above. It's the truth. I am no SAHM, I am an equal earner with my DH having contributed half of our NW.

I’m around Gen Z women a lot and don’t see this at all. Don’t forget that for every SAHW married to a wealthy man who adores her, there are hundreds married to men who are broke, abuse them, keep money from them, cheat on them, treat them like a servant, etc. Housewives in the 1950s were heavily medicated because it’s such a dreary existence.

What I do see young women doing:
- deciding to be child free and/or not get married
- have much higher standards for men, they need to have a good job, understand equitable division of labor, and be emotionally intelligent
- focusing more on friendships and hobbies that being fulfillment, like travel.
- demanding more from employers. They job hop and will work at a job just long enough to get experience and move elsewhere
- holding much firmer boundaries with employers, such as not working off-hours


My company has altered its policies and practices to accommodate Gen Z. We use a lot of positive reinforcement, train people well, provide higher compensation, and don’t care what hours or how long people work (if you can get the job done in 20 hours a week instead of 40, awesome). It’s a welcome change and I’m glad we have bright, young women who demand more.

[Anonymous]

Well, judging SAHMs is a favorite pastime for unsatisfied or smug WOHMs, just like it was the other way around for SAHMs to judge WOHMs. Grass looks greener or dead on the other side even though it's not that much different on either side, just different shades.

[Anonymous]

My DH enjoyed me being at home when the kids were very small. Once the youngest started school- while DH didn’t say anything directly & we hadn’t discussed when I might go back to work- he quickly started getting resentful and honestly, kind of disrespectful in subtle ways. So I went back when our youngest was in 1st grade.

We’ve never needed the income but for DH- the idea of me having free time during the daytime (while he was at work) didn’t really sit well. It seemed silly at the time, given we didn’t need the $ and it was hard to juggle. But in the end he did me a favor- can’t imagine being out for any longer (going back to work would seem even more daunting). It was hard enough to get back into the swing of things as it was.

[Anonymous]

I was a sahm when kids were young and DH has always said he’s happy as long as I’m happy and would support me in working or not working.

I don’t know if anyone can relate but I actually started to feel resentful. Not towards him necessarily but I felt like people didn’t see me as smart or capable; like I was just an extension of my successful and hardworking DH. He definitely didn’t see me that way and it’s not as though anyone said this, I just didn’t like the was I was showing up in the world anymore.

I should add, I think plenty of sahms take on wonderful projects in the community and use the time to do all kinds of creative and interesting things, I just personally never did. I felt too much like I was only valued as a wife and mom, not as an individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a sahm when kids were young and DH has always said he’s happy as long as I’m happy and would support me in working or not working.

I don’t know if anyone can relate but I actually started to feel resentful. Not towards him necessarily but I felt like people didn’t see me as smart or capable; like I was just an extension of my successful and hardworking DH. He definitely didn’t see me that way and it’s not as though anyone said this, I just didn’t like the was I was showing up in the world anymore.

I should add, I think plenty of sahms take on wonderful projects in the community and use the time to do all kinds of creative and interesting things, I just personally never did. I felt too much like I was only valued as a wife and mom, not as an individual.

Your last paragraph makes no sense. You only felt value as a wife and mom, but didn’t want to do all the things that non working people do to make themselves feel productive and valued? What’s your plan for when you retire and why will you have value then but not now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH prefers I stay home, even though our kids are teenagers. His life is so much better. I enjoy cooking. He never has to worry about laundry, errands, housework, even yardwork (which he doesn't like to do). He can work late and travel for work whenever he wants, which has benefitted his career immensely. I can't imagine him ever thinking about being resentful.

Of course not. He has all that time to bang his co-worker too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter who stays home in a marriage. Income and assets are equally both, and it's a decision among the couple. That should be discussed early on. If a woman wants to be a SAH then don't date men who aren't on board with that.

Until they divorce and alimony only lasts a few years and now she does have to get a job after being out if the workforce. It sure ain’t easy to get a good one these days.

[Anonymous]

I stopped working when my kids were 9 and 11 when I came into a little bit of money, and DH's job became more lucrative. I took over childcare, all yardwork, some cleaning, all cooking, all home management, and he still became resentful. It was a joint decision and not until Covid hit, when he could telework full time did the resentment start to go away. It was terrible for our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world

It's the opposite. Younger women realized that majority of women trying to have fulfilling successful careers and functioning family/households fail and are miserable and don't want this. They see their mothers unhappy when they failed to "lean in" or got ousted after giving birth and wanting some work-life balance or had to resort to middling jobs just to pay the bills. They saw them tired and irritable, juggling messy homes and sleep training their infants and offloading their toddlers to the uneducated barely English speaking foreign nannies, or schlepping them to the dodgy daycares barely awake on their way to a meaningless middling job. For every woman who is a C level exec, a partner or an owner of a successful company there are many thousands whose lives reflect what I said above. It's the truth. I am no SAHM, I am an equal earner with my DH having contributed half of our NW.

I’m around Gen Z women a lot and don’t see this at all. Don’t forget that for every SAHW married to a wealthy man who adores her, there are hundreds married to men who are broke, abuse them, keep money from them, cheat on them, treat them like a servant, etc. Housewives in the 1950s were heavily medicated because it’s such a dreary existence.

What I do see young women doing:
- deciding to be child free and/or not get married
- have much higher standards for men, they need to have a good job, understand equitable division of labor, and be emotionally intelligent
- focusing more on friendships and hobbies that being fulfillment, like travel.
- demanding more from employers. They job hop and will work at a job just long enough to get experience and move elsewhere
- holding much firmer boundaries with employers, such as not working off-hours


My company has altered its policies and practices to accommodate Gen Z. We use a lot of positive reinforcement, train people well, provide higher compensation, and don’t care what hours or how long people work (if you can get the job done in 20 hours a week instead of 40, awesome). It’s a welcome change and I’m glad we have bright, young women who demand more.

This is exactly what I see—both with my own young adult kids and with the company I run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world

It's the opposite. Younger women realized that majority of women trying to have fulfilling successful careers and functioning family/households fail and are miserable and don't want this. They see their mothers unhappy when they failed to "lean in" or got ousted after giving birth and wanting some work-life balance or had to resort to middling jobs just to pay the bills. They saw them tired and irritable, juggling messy homes and sleep training their infants and offloading their toddlers to the uneducated barely English speaking foreign nannies, or schlepping them to the dodgy daycares barely awake on their way to a meaningless middling job. For every woman who is a C level exec, a partner or an owner of a successful company there are many thousands whose lives reflect what I said above. It's the truth. I am no SAHM, I am an equal earner with my DH having contributed half of our NW.

I’m around Gen Z women a lot and don’t see this at all. Don’t forget that for every SAHW married to a wealthy man who adores her, there are hundreds married to men who are broke, abuse them, keep money from them, cheat on them, treat them like a servant, etc. Housewives in the 1950s were heavily medicated because it’s such a dreary existence.

What I do see young women doing:
- deciding to be child free and/or not get married
- have much higher standards for men, they need to have a good job, understand equitable division of labor, and be emotionally intelligent
- focusing more on friendships and hobbies that being fulfillment, like travel.
- demanding more from employers. They job hop and will work at a job just long enough to get experience and move elsewhere
- holding much firmer boundaries with employers, such as not working off-hours


My company has altered its policies and practices to accommodate Gen Z. We use a lot of positive reinforcement, train people well, provide higher compensation, and don’t care what hours or how long people work (if you can get the job done in 20 hours a week instead of 40, awesome). It’s a welcome change and I’m glad we have bright, young women who demand more.

After complaining for the better part of two years that Gen Z grads are difficult to work with, bosses are no longer all talk, no action: Now they’re rapidly firing young workers who aren’t up to scratch just months after hiring them.

According to a report, six in 10 employers say they have already sacked some of the Gen Z workers they hired fresh out of college in recent months.

Intelligent.com, a platform dedicated to helping young professionals navigate the future of work, surveyed nearly 1,000 U.S. leaders. It found that the class of 2024’s shortcomings will impact future grads.

[Anonymous]

op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

[Anonymous]

My husband retired over 3 years ago, kids are grown, no pets lol. I resented it earlier in his retirement but now I realize it's my choice or not to continue working. He's lost so much of his critical reasoning and thinking skills. Now I just feel sorry for him, for how little energy he has and how little he does, even for enjoyment. It's like being married to an 83 year old not a 63 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

I saw this happen in my own parents’ marriage. My mother never worked outside the home because my dad had a lucrative job where he would be transferred regularly and he wanted her to handle the house and kids. She kept everything running at home and he would still take digs at her and praise the working women in his office. Looking at their dynamic made me determined to never be in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

DH earns $2m+ per year. I am trying to go back to work and he strongly prefers that I stay home so we don’t have to scramble for childcare the way we used to when I did work. He tells me to consider myself retired.