Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.

DP. Agreed. The sibling goes to see mom, and OP is still pissed because he didn’t do it her way. WTF.

?

The unhelpful sibling who is local hasn’t visited in months and has consistently been too busy when we do the group text to see who can cover certain medical appointments, etc.

So when they pop over for a 20 minute visit so they can clear their conscience without bringing anything (groceries? Something new or different to eat?), the consensus is they strategically didn’t provide the courtesy heads up so we wouldn’t suggest they swing by and pick up the blood pressure meds to save another sibling the trip.

We have a group text that everyone else uses for this purpose.

“I’m visiting mom on Saturday, so I’ll bring her groceries. Is there anything special you think she needs before I call her for her list?”

That’s the prompt for helpful siblings who have recently been in her place suggest things like, “I noticed she was low on butter” or “I used the last light bulb for her bathroom.”

Sure, the kids who are caring for mom are the a-holes while the sibling who visits for 20 mins every few months is the good person.

Unhelpful siblings are the worst. We are over it. You know how to redeem yourself, but you just don’t want to do the caring thing.

If this strikes a nerve, then try doing something…anything…to help.

How does your mom feel about the u helpful sibling? Does that play into your emotions? Is your mom over it or just you and the helpful sibling(s)?

Mom has started to become forgetful, so she doesn’t have the best handle on how infrequent the visits are.

But periodically she has mentioned that she’s asked the unhelpful one to do something (like come over to check something or drive her somewhere or simply to bring the grandkids for a visit) but they’re “very busy with work/kids/whatever.”

Point being: it’s obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a rational person and I agree with them

We've had 4 elders pass. There are many ways to help, not always the way other's dictate.

It’s not dictating when you ask for help and they always say they are too busy.

It’s not dictating when all expectations are out the window and have essentially devolved to “Gee, I wonder if they will bother to call or visit this month/this summer?”

Yet for whatever reason the unhelpful one and their spouse will be the first to text as a holiday approaches to ask what the plans are. Not because they ever want to host or offer to help, but simply so they can waltz in and enjoy the magical merriment orchestrated by the helpful siblings.

Anyone else have a sibling like this? It’s baffling how clueless some people can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.

It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.

Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.

Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner?

Tell me you think it’s okay to ignore an elderly relative who has begun to decline by not checking in on them periodically without saying it directly…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.

It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.

Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.

Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner?

Tell me you think it’s okay to ignore an elderly relative who has begun to decline by not checking in on them periodically without saying it directly…

I'm not the pp you quoted.
But OP, you seem to have very specific and rigid ideas of what "checking in on them" and "periodically" means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.

It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.

Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.

Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner?

Tell me you think it’s okay to ignore an elderly relative who has begun to decline by not checking in on them periodically without saying it directly…

I'm not the pp you quoted.
But OP, you seem to have very specific and rigid ideas of what "checking in on them" and "periodically" means.

To be clear, this is my very specific and rigid idea:

To text the siblings once or twice a month to say hello and ask if there’s anything they could do for mom.

Recognizing they won’t do that, I’m fine with if they would call her or visit more than once every few months. Bonus points if they don’t show up empty handed.

That’s it.

If that’s too rigid or specific, then I’m curious how you treat your aging parents?

[Anonymous]

I certainly don't ask my brother for his approval to see my mom. Your sibling showed up unannounced, because you've been making it impossible for him/her to do otherwise. They are not doing it more often because you make it a problem. Your group text is not a law. You seem to have control issues and are manipulative. In fact, I'm starting to think you're the one who's the "primary caregiver" and the admin of the group text. If the mom lives with you, why is there a problem with dinner, groceries or butter? It's all very strange. If mom lives by herself, she obviously is unable to manage. In the end, you'll only cause your mom hurt by all this drama. I'd not be surprised if you did end up hosting holidays somewhere else, not inviting your sibling and telling mom they didn't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.

It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.

Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.

Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner?

Tell me you think it’s okay to ignore an elderly relative who has begun to decline by not checking in on them periodically without saying it directly…

I'm not the pp you quoted.
But OP, you seem to have very specific and rigid ideas of what "checking in on them" and "periodically" means.

To be clear, this is my very specific and rigid idea:

To text the siblings once or twice a month to say hello and ask if there’s anything they could do for mom.

Recognizing they won’t do that, I’m fine with if they would call her or visit more than once every few months. Bonus points if they don’t show up empty handed.

That’s it.

If that’s too rigid or specific, then I’m curious how you treat your aging parents?

To be clear, this is what you said earlier in the thread (page 2)
But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I certainly don't ask my brother for his approval to see my mom. Your sibling showed up unannounced, because you've been making it impossible for him/her to do otherwise. They are not doing it more often because you make it a problem. Your group text is not a law. You seem to have control issues and are manipulative. In fact, I'm starting to think you're the one who's the "primary caregiver" and the admin of the group text. If the mom lives with you, why is there a problem with dinner, groceries or butter? It's all very strange. If mom lives by herself, she obviously is unable to manage. In the end, you'll only cause your mom hurt by all this drama. I'd not be surprised if you did end up hosting holidays somewhere else, not inviting your sibling and telling mom they didn't come.

Nobody needs permission or approval to visit mom.

You’re missing the point.

Have you ever shared caregiving duties for an aging parent? It’s rather obvious that it makes sense to be helpful. One way to be helpful—particularly when you haven’t done anything for moths—is to let your siblings know you’ll be visiting. Bonus points if you check to see if there’s anything you can actually do to be helpful…like swing by the pharmacy on your way.

These are observations, not rules. Nobody is preventing them from visiting. Nobody is forcing them to do anything. They are on the group text (which isn’t moderated btw) and see everyone else checking in and trying to help each other out.

And there’s no real drama.

Nobody complains about the unhelpful one to mom or to their face. It’s just something the rest of us are starting to feel. Who knows how long it can simmer before someone blows up? My prediction is they’ll reach out sometime in June to ask about the 4th of July …fishing for an invite to the beach house…where they tend to show up empty handed and expect everyone else to grocery shop, cook, clean, and entertain the kids. The best is when they walk onto the beach and complain that nobody brought chairs down for their family.

It’s been a long year for those of us caring for mom as she’s started to need more help. Had they just done anything remotely helpful, we would have given them a pass.But I think we are just over it.

[Anonymous]

I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

Great! Then it should be easy enough for the "helpful" siblings to manage on their own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

Great! Then it should be easy enough for the "helpful" siblings to manage on their own!

Nope.

Because it isn’t fair for one sibling to do absolutely nothing while the rest do everything.

And it’s reasonable to be upset with a selfish, thoughtless, lazy sibling. They don’t care about us or our mother.

So why should we continue to engage them and help them?

I think we are done.