Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I certainly don't ask my brother for his approval to see my mom. Your sibling showed up unannounced, because you've been making it impossible for him/her to do otherwise. They are not doing it more often because you make it a problem. Your group text is not a law. You seem to have control issues and are manipulative. In fact, I'm starting to think you're the one who's the "primary caregiver" and the admin of the group text. If the mom lives with you, why is there a problem with dinner, groceries or butter? It's all very strange. If mom lives by herself, she obviously is unable to manage. In the end, you'll only cause your mom hurt by all this drama. I'd not be surprised if you did end up hosting holidays somewhere else, not inviting your sibling and telling mom they didn't come. [/quote]

Nobody needs permission or approval to visit mom.

You’re missing the point.

Have you ever shared caregiving duties for an aging parent? It’s rather obvious that it makes sense to be helpful. One way to be helpful—particularly when you haven’t done anything for moths—is to let your siblings know you’ll be visiting. Bonus points if you check to see if there’s anything you can actually do to be helpful…like swing by the pharmacy on your way.

These are observations, not rules. Nobody is preventing them from visiting. Nobody is forcing them to do anything. They are on the group text (which isn’t moderated btw) and see everyone else checking in and trying to help each other out.

And there’s no real drama.

Nobody complains about the unhelpful one to mom or to their face. It’s just something the rest of us are starting to feel. Who knows how long it can simmer before someone blows up? My prediction is they’ll reach out sometime in June to ask about the 4th of July …fishing for an invite to the beach house…where they tend to show up empty handed and expect everyone else to grocery shop, cook, clean, and entertain the kids. The best is when they walk onto the beach and complain that nobody brought chairs down for their family.

It’s been a long year for those of us caring for mom as she’s started to need more help. Had they just done anything remotely helpful, we would have given them a pass.But I think we are just over it. [/quote]

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