DD Semester Away: I hate you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and no it is not made up. I haven’t heard from her yet, if I don’t hear from her in a few days I will send her a “you don’t have to text back, just know I am here for you if you want.” I am not going to cut her off, I am even surprised people suggested that. Was it mean? Yes. Disrespectful? Yes. But does it warrant cutting her off? I don’t think so.

I was asking more for advice what the say to her and when. And it did shed light for me when the PP said girls wind each other up. I have seen it, it’s true. That helped put it in perspective for me.

I don’t think anything bad has happened because she is there with some girls from school who have my number and I would think one of them would contact me. Or the program itself.

My 22 year old DD would shout this at me occasionally in high stress situations. (A few years ago). It really seemed to mean “I hate needing you so much and/or I love you but I need to be out there making my own decisions.” I never got mad just calm and told her not to speak to me in such a way. She and I are very close now (she’s in last year of college) via txt/phone/visits. She just needed to be her own woman out in the World.
Hugs

Isn't that what she's doing in Spain? Lashing out at mom is immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and no it is not made up. I haven’t heard from her yet, if I don’t hear from her in a few days I will send her a “you don’t have to text back, just know I am here for you if you want.” I am not going to cut her off, I am even surprised people suggested that. Was it mean? Yes. Disrespectful? Yes. But does it warrant cutting her off? I don’t think so.

I was asking more for advice what the say to her and when. And it did shed light for me when the PP said girls wind each other up. I have seen it, it’s true. That helped put it in perspective for me.

I don’t think anything bad has happened because she is there with some girls from school who have my number and I would think one of them would contact me. Or the program itself.

My 22 year old DD would shout this at me occasionally in high stress situations. (A few years ago). It really seemed to mean “I hate needing you so much and/or I love you but I need to be out there making my own decisions.” I never got mad just calm and told her not to speak to me in such a way. She and I are very close now (she’s in last year of college) via txt/phone/visits. She just needed to be her own woman out in the World.
Hugs

Isn't that what she's doing in Spain? Lashing out at mom is immature.

Well of course it is. But it’s not out of the realm of typical behavior. It certainly doesn’t warrant cutting off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and no it is not made up. I haven’t heard from her yet, if I don’t hear from her in a few days I will send her a “you don’t have to text back, just know I am here for you if you want.” I am not going to cut her off, I am even surprised people suggested that. Was it mean? Yes. Disrespectful? Yes. But does it warrant cutting her off? I don’t think so.

I was asking more for advice what the say to her and when. And it did shed light for me when the PP said girls wind each other up. I have seen it, it’s true. That helped put it in perspective for me.

I don’t think anything bad has happened because she is there with some girls from school who have my number and I would think one of them would contact me. Or the program itself.

OP is she in high school or college? If college, please understand that she is not a “girl” and if you accept this behavior now be prepared for her to treat you like a doormat for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was definitely drunk, and she also possibly exaggerated things to her friends to get a reaction. I would feel sad but come on. Not letting her go to that party was the right call. And she sounds kind of spoiled, to be honest.

I would just write back and say you’re sorry she feels that way and you’re here if she wants to talk about it. Tell her you love her and hope she’s having a good experience there.

Yes. Maybe someone else typed that for her, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

Gag.

Yup. My mother was often a controlling PITA, but the fact that there is no way on God’s green earth that she would have ever tolerated this kind of behavior, let alone groveled to me over it, is actually one of the traits about her that I truly RESPECT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of all these tit for tat responses why not talk to her? Ask if she sent the text and try to figure out what is going on

Not providing for her or kicking her out won't bring you a close relationship which I assume yoy wabt?

+1. OP's DD sounds a lot like my DD. My DD is a freshman in college, and I would not be surprised to receive a text like this. (In her age group, it seems common for the teens to say that the parent is "controlling" if the mom/dad is not 100 percent lenient. Even the most mild rules constitute "controlling" behavior by the parent.)

So a lot of parents get scared of their own kids, and just become 100 percent lenient, to maintain the relationship. This is not necessarily in the best interest of the child to have full leniency, but it probably beats being estrangeYou d from your son/daughter someday.

IMHO, what would be controlling is to cut her off financially. In other countries, kids are more independent at ages 18-22 because the taxpayers pay for university tuition. In the US, the kids often remain dependent on their parents during ages 18-22 because that is who pays tuition/room/board. So I think it actually delays maturity in the US.

Presumably, OP wants to maintain a relationship with her DD in the future. Therefore, keep paying tuition/room/board (or whatever you're able to pay), and give DD a little time to mature. Some college-aged students are very mature, both others are incredibly immature. (My own DD is very independent, but not really mature. I know it will come.) Heck, when I was in college in the late 1990's, I gave my own parents the silent treatment for 1 month when they would not let me transfer to my dream college even though I was admitted (for financial reasons, they could not afford it and did not want me to take loans). Eventually, I reached out to them and they welcomed me with open arms, and they did not make it into a big deal.

OP, I would give your DD some grace. She is learning to become mature. Be the adult, and forgive her. She'll eventually come around, especially if you do not freak out about this text. (I hope this was helpful. Thanks for reading.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

+1 My DD was a highly responsible, independent child/teen. We were incredibly close. Never had to say ‘no’ to anything as she was a rule follower and highly motivated/busy with ECs/academics. We said ‘yes’ to many things that we wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ to for her siblings because she was 100% trusted. She had complete freedom w/car at her disposable in HS. Senior year she started hanging out w/some new friends and our relationships soured. I was told I was controlling, a bad mother, she hated me, etc.. It was incredibly hurtful and hard to accept. My therapist told me DD was ‘sullying the nest.’ DD left for college and I continued to give her space, let her be the one to text/call us. Didn’t know what classes she was taking, what her grades were, etc. DD was fully ‘bought in’ to the narrative: I was a controlling parent and DH was a terrible/checked-out Dad. Her time home during breaks was awful - she came/went as she pleased. Rarely spoke to us. During these years I tried my best to maintain my boundaries. If she wanted to use our car she needed to ask. She needed to speak respectfully to us (she opted to avoid us instead). It wasn’t pleasant. Pretty much only heard from her in college if she needed money. We would visit on family weekend and she would spend like 30 min w/us. Jr year she asked me if I would pay for her to see therapist. I didn’t ask why and agreed. I’d suggested we go together several years earlier, but she resisted. It was amazing how quickly our relationship improved. She was open to discussing her feelings and had a lot of guilt about her behavior.

The closer you are the harder the separating can be. It’s not easy to navigate. Most important thing is to allow it to happen, while retaining some basic boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

+1 My DD was a highly responsible, independent child/teen. We were incredibly close. Never had to say ‘no’ to anything as she was a rule follower and highly motivated/busy with ECs/academics. We said ‘yes’ to many things that we wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ to for her siblings because she was 100% trusted. She had complete freedom w/car at her disposable in HS. Senior year she started hanging out w/some new friends and our relationships soured. I was told I was controlling, a bad mother, she hated me, etc.. It was incredibly hurtful and hard to accept. My therapist told me DD was ‘sullying the nest.’ DD left for college and I continued to give her space, let her be the one to text/call us. Didn’t know what classes she was taking, what her grades were, etc. DD was fully ‘bought in’ to the narrative: I was a controlling parent and DH was a terrible/checked-out Dad. Her time home during breaks was awful - she came/went as she pleased. Rarely spoke to us. During these years I tried my best to maintain my boundaries. If she wanted to use our car she needed to ask. She needed to speak respectfully to us (she opted to avoid us instead). It wasn’t pleasant. Pretty much only heard from her in college if she needed money. We would visit on family weekend and she would spend like 30 min w/us. Jr year she asked me if I would pay for her to see therapist. I didn’t ask why and agreed. I’d suggested we go together several years earlier, but she resisted. It was amazing how quickly our relationship improved. She was open to discussing her feelings and had a lot of guilt about her behavior.

The closer you are the harder the separating can be. It’s not easy to navigate. Most important thing is to allow it to happen, while retaining some basic boundaries.

100%

I also think it's hard not to be shocked when it happens to you and your own child, even though everyone knows it's normal. It is normal but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD went to Spain with a bunch of kids from her school for a semester abroad.

Out of the blue I get a text, “I’ve been talking to my friends, and they all agree you are a horrible controlling parent and I don’t want to talk to you.”

I didn’t respond because she said she didn’t want to talk to me, and I felt she was just baiting me anyway. The only time this came up at home was when I wouldn’t permit her to go a HS party when I knew the parents were out of town. I told her then I will not apologize for parenting. It turns out that one kid got so drunk that another kid called an ambulance. I never said “told you so” or anything like that, but apparently that made it all the worse that I didn’t let her go because everyone who went was talking about the drama and she was an outsider.

Apparently she has been harboring feelings about this over the past several years. I didn’t stop her from dating, or going out with her friends. She dressed the way she wanted to, took the classes she wanted to, did whatever hobbies that interested her. I can’t think of any other time I gave her a hard no and I was within my right as a parent to say no.

I am a single parent so I guess there is no one else for her to blame. WWYD? I am inclined to do what she wants and just not text her.

OP, what did she really write because even though you've put it in quotes, this sounds like a 50 y/o woman wrote it so I assume it is your interpretation of what she said. Or maybe this is a made up post, IDK.

def could be that long, elaborate DCUm troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. No, I am not going to cut her off. It was indeed late and the thought that maybe she was out drinking with friends crossed my mind. I mean I know she was mad that I wouldn’t let her go when it occurred, and angry after as well, but I suspect the PP who said girls wind each other up is probably right.

I haven’t texted her back figuring she needed space. She has texted me. Maybe she really is angry or maybe she is embarrassed, I don’t know.

I think there is some validity to Covid setting her back maturity-wise. The kids missed out on a lot of typical teen developmental stuff, navigating social situations and the like.

It is very hurtful, with all the terrible things out there that parents do, to be lumped in the category of horrible parent. I’m certainly not perfect, but I think anyone would be hard-pressed to call me controlling and terrible.

I don’t know. It makes me sad that this is how she thinks of me but I am also not sure what I can do about that perception at this point except to prove her wrong by not replying and giving her the space she says she wants.


"no I won't cut her off"

You are the problem not her.

You failed as a parent over and over again.

Your "kid" is on a trip of a lifetime that you paid for. Just like the phone she has, clothes she wears, and everything else.

Your kid has zero respect for you, and you feed into it all day everyday.

Why in the world do you pay for her phone?

You are an ATM great job OP

I think OP probably has a better sense of what's going on than you do, but also I can't imagine someone taking the line you just did unless they have some major anger issues.

[Anonymous]

I would send a brief response.
"That was very hurtful. Are you ok?"

because it was. She should really apologize. Moms don't deserve sh*tty treatment they get from their kids.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that you've done your best and you're incredibly hurt she feels this way about you.

[Anonymous]

That kid who called the ambulance is a dweeb

[Anonymous]

😂 Maybe it was the kid throwing the party and he got worried he’d be held responsible if the drunk kid died. Or maybe he was just a responsible dweeb 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That kid who called the ambulance is a dweeb

Are you serious? Thank goodness he did if there was a serious health concern!