DD Semester Away: I hate you

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD could be extremely stressed about by being in another country. It's very difficult. Also, she could be coming under the influence of unsavory people. She is your daughter. Try contacting her to find out how she is. Text her, "Please call me" and then talk to her about her experience in this new place, and maybe, maybe also about her very concerning text but only if you get the feeling she is okay. She doesn't sound okay though. She needs your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

Absolutely don’t threaten to cut off her funds. Actually cut off her funds.

Parenting isn't a transaction.

Paying for your adult kid to study abroad isn’t parenting, it’s a nice extra that you are voluntarily providing for your offspring. The offspring is not entitled this type of payout, and if you allow them to think that you owe them the world regardless of their own behavior, congratulations, you’re contributing to the decay of western society.

I don't understand why people even have children if this is their attitude.

Traveling abroad is not a necessity. Parents do not owe their adult child this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is out of the blue and out of character I would be concerned she did not write it.

Just being honest.

Agree. Follow up with her for sure.

This was my first thought as well. I'd be afraid that someone else has her phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two sides to every story, y'all, and we are just getting one of them here.

I'm surprised that I seem to be the only person here that thinks maybe OP actually is a horrible person and parent and is such a narcissist that she really doesn't even know it?

That’s jumping to a pretty big conclusion based on…?

Of course there are two sides to every story. But if you have a girl around this age you would know it’s not uncommon for them to get frustrated and declare you’ve ruined their life

[Anonymous]

I'd reply that I'm sorry she felt that way and that I'm always available anytime of day or night if she decides she wishes to talk. I'd also offer to pay for therapy sessions if she felt she wished to process her feelings with a professional.

If completely out of character I would feel the need to somehow verify she was safe without her knowing.

[Anonymous]

Contact the school to have someone check on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the biggest bummers about this story is that a young woman with an opportunity to study abroad is using the time to ruminate about her mean mom. The 24/7 contact via phones has completely hampered this generation’s ability to grow TF up.

THIS

OP, I’d ignore. Nothing worse than being left on read.

[Anonymous]

You’re right she’s a spoiled brat. No time like the present to fix it. one option is to tell her she’s cut off from spending money and she has to come back home and get a job near campus. But Frankly I would actually yank her tuition money too and tell her she can go to community college and get a job and you will pay tuition for community college only.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm concerned about your DD. Please let us know if you contact her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying you are controlling, but I was raised by a very controlling mother. You don’t need to worry about cutting her off—if you are controlling, she’s already making plans to ensure she doesn’t need you. I knew I needed to get away from my mother when I was 16. I earned great grades to ensure I had college opportunities. I worked and had student loans in college (700 miles away from her) and have worked and supported myself ever since. Not needing her is incredibly freeing. If none of this applies to you, then dismiss it as teenage nonsense.

Genuinely curious what exactly folks these days define as “controlling”.

Slapping, screaming, throwing things at me, and calling me worthless and a piece of sh*t if I ever didn’t share her exact opinion of people or politics.

That sounds mentally ill and abusive to me.

[Anonymous]

Tell the State Department to cancel her passport and put her on the terrorist watch list. Then she can stay in Spain and wash dishes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD went to Spain with a bunch of kids from her school for a semester abroad.

Out of the blue I get a text, “I’ve been talking to my friends, and they all agree you are a horrible controlling parent and I don’t want to talk to you.”

I didn’t respond because she said she didn’t want to talk to me, and I felt she was just baiting me anyway. The only time this came up at home was when I wouldn’t permit her to go a HS party when I knew the parents were out of town. I told her then I will not apologize for parenting. It turns out that one kid got so drunk that another kid called an ambulance. I never said “told you so” or anything like that, but apparently that made it all the worse that I didn’t let her go because everyone who went was talking about the drama and she was an outsider.

Apparently she has been harboring feelings about this over the past several years. I didn’t stop her from dating, or going out with her friends. She dressed the way she wanted to, took the classes she wanted to, did whatever hobbies that interested her. I can’t think of any other time I gave her a hard no and I was within my right as a parent to say no.

I am a single parent so I guess there is no one else for her to blame. WWYD? I am inclined to do what she wants and just not text her.

I don't think you can know that she is referring to that one event, OP. Hard to know what is going on at this point. I would not escalate the drama though, or lash out, as many posters are advocating. Continue modeling adult behavior as you say is your plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the State Department to cancel her passport and put her on the terrorist watch list. Then she can stay in Spain and wash dishes

If you are not a troll, seek mental help, stat.

[Anonymous]

If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.