DD Semester Away: I hate you

[Anonymous]

If it were my child, I'd call and talk about it. That's how you treat an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was definitely drunk, and she also possibly exaggerated things to her friends to get a reaction. I would feel sad but come on. Not letting her go to that party was the right call. And she sounds kind of spoiled, to be honest.

I would just write back and say you’re sorry she feels that way and you’re here if she wants to talk about it. Tell her you love her and hope she’s having a good experience there.

I would also be having a conversation (via FaceTime, so you can see the reactions) soon about her attitude. If I'm paying for college/study abroad/etc, I would not tolerate that crap. But it was obvious back in HS from her reaction to you actually parenting as you should, that she is a bit entitled/spoiled. So I would have shut it down then.

[Anonymous]

She is safe ? Then it is okay. Let it go
People say stupid stuff all of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

yeah that sucks - that trip sounds awesome. I'm sure they would have been fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

Yes, I have had those situations too, in which I was acting like a perfectly normal, not even strict parent, and others parents were making bad decisions my ds found superior. If asked now, he will still say these parents were better. I will not apologize for it because even in hindsight, I was correct. It's something that really does trouble me sometimes: you can make the best decisions and still be called out as bad for it. It feels manipulative and wrong, especially when I see my parents made some pretty bad decisions and I'd never bring those up again because who cares? I have moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

yeah that sucks - that trip sounds awesome. I'm sure they would have been fine.

Or one could have easily died from alcohol toxicity or drowned while drunk. The staff will look after them, wtaf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes.

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

yeah that sucks - that trip sounds awesome. I'm sure they would have been fine.

NP.

No way is my kid going to hang with a bunch of rich kids in a foreign country with no adult supervision. Rich kids do a LOT of drugs and get into all kinds of trouble. No way is my high school kid getting permission to do that.

[Anonymous]

My 25 yr old son still brings up the time we wouldn't allow him to fly private (DS went to a boarding school in NE) with a very wealthy friend to his house in Aruba, with other kids. And no parents. The mother, when I called, said "Oh, but the staff will look after them". DS was 17. Other kids all went (WTF is wrong with parents???).

This isn't really clear. Was your problem with them flying without a parent, or were they going to be in Aruba for a week without a parent? If the former - kids much younger than that fly unaccompanied all the the time, and that does not sound like a parenting fail to allow it. If the latter, you need to write more clearly and mentioning flying private was totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying you are controlling, but I was raised by a very controlling mother. You don’t need to worry about cutting her off—if you are controlling, she’s already making plans to ensure she doesn’t need you. I knew I needed to get away from my mother when I was 16. I earned great grades to ensure I had college opportunities. I worked and had student loans in college (700 miles away from her) and have worked and supported myself ever since. Not needing her is incredibly freeing. If none of this applies to you, then dismiss it as teenage nonsense.

This.