Reply to DD Semester Away: I hate you

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If she's been harboring negative feelings for quite awhile, then it isn't about the party. It's about your parenting. Show some vulnerability and a little bit of humility here. Tell her that you want to be a better parent. You will work at it, and you want to have a good relationship.

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People who say these things must not have teenage/young women kids. You can breathe the wrong way and they will declare you are controlling. I think it is social media, kids telling each other that parents are horrible if they aren’t allowed to do everything they want.

I told my DD in high school she wasn’t permitted to go on spring break trip to VA beach with her friends because they’d also invited kids from other schools I didn’t know, there would be no parents because one family said they could use their beach house, and these parents are known to be very permissible in terms of alcohol (“as long as they aren’t driving, it’s fine with us”). My daughter was livid. She is 23 and still brings this up when she’s annoyed. Were we overly controlling or were we being responsible parents? Being responsible parents sometimes means controlling your child’s behavior, yes. [/quote]

+1 My DD was a highly responsible, independent child/teen. We were incredibly close. Never had to say ‘no’ to anything as she was a rule follower and highly motivated/busy with ECs/academics. We said ‘yes’ to many things that we wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ to for her siblings because she was 100% trusted. She had complete freedom w/car at her disposable in HS. Senior year she started hanging out w/some new friends and our relationships soured. I was told I was controlling, a bad mother, she hated me, etc.. It was incredibly hurtful and hard to accept. My therapist told me DD was ‘sullying the nest.’  DD left for college and I continued to give her space, let her be the one to text/call us. Didn’t know what classes she was taking, what her grades were, etc. DD was fully ‘bought in’ to the narrative: I was a controlling parent and DH was a terrible/checked-out Dad. Her time home during breaks was awful - she came/went as she pleased. Rarely spoke to us. During these years I tried my best to maintain my boundaries. If she wanted to use our car she needed to ask. She needed to speak respectfully to us (she opted to avoid us instead). It wasn’t pleasant. Pretty much only heard from her in college if she needed money. We would visit on family weekend and she would spend like 30 min w/us. Jr year she asked me if I would pay for her to see therapist. I didn’t ask why and agreed. I’d suggested we go together several years earlier, but she resisted. It was amazing how quickly our relationship improved. She was open to discussing her feelings and had a lot of guilt about her behavior.

The closer you are the harder the separating can be. It’s not easy to navigate. Most important thing is to allow it to happen, while retaining some basic boundaries. [/quote]

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