DD Semester Away: I hate you

[Anonymous]

If this is out of the blue and out of character I would be concerned she did not write it.

Just being honest.

[Anonymous]

I would stop a lot of amenities for an ungrateful adult.

Adults have jobs and support themselves. You cannot control a self sufficient adult so I would agree and offer to end some of my control by withdrawing support. Money is controlling.

[Anonymous]

I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

Absolutely don’t threaten to cut off her funds. Actually cut off her funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying you are controlling, but I was raised by a very controlling mother. You don’t need to worry about cutting her off—if you are controlling, she’s already making plans to ensure she doesn’t need you. I knew I needed to get away from my mother when I was 16. I earned great grades to ensure I had college opportunities. I worked and had student loans in college (700 miles away from her) and have worked and supported myself ever since. Not needing her is incredibly freeing. If none of this applies to you, then dismiss it as teenage nonsense.

Genuinely curious what exactly folks these days define as “controlling”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never disrespected my parents but I know that if I'd said something like this they wouldn't have cut me off.
It was an awful thing for her to text, even drunk, but it's insane to think that a parent should kick their kid out or stop paying tuition or let her struggle in a foreign country with no money for saying something awful.

The person in question is not a “kid” based on the forum in which OP posted. People need to stop making excuses for the crappy, entitled behavior of young adults and actually TREAT them like adults. OP’s daughter needs to learn that she shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

Absolutely don’t threaten to cut off her funds. Actually cut off her funds.

Parenting isn't a transaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never disrespected my parents but I know that if I'd said something like this they wouldn't have cut me off.
It was an awful thing for her to text, even drunk, but it's insane to think that a parent should kick their kid out or stop paying tuition or let her struggle in a foreign country with no money for saying something awful.

The person in question is not a “kid” based on the forum in which OP posted. People need to stop making excuses for the crappy, entitled behavior of young adults and actually TREAT them like adults. OP’s daughter needs to learn that she shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds her.

My parents calls us their kids and we're middle aged.

[Anonymous]

Op, sounds like you're handling it well to md

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying you are controlling, but I was raised by a very controlling mother. You don’t need to worry about cutting her off—if you are controlling, she’s already making plans to ensure she doesn’t need you. I knew I needed to get away from my mother when I was 16. I earned great grades to ensure I had college opportunities. I worked and had student loans in college (700 miles away from her) and have worked and supported myself ever since. Not needing her is incredibly freeing. If none of this applies to you, then dismiss it as teenage nonsense.

Genuinely curious what exactly folks these days define as “controlling”.

Slapping, screaming, throwing things at me, and calling me worthless and a piece of sh*t if I ever didn’t share her exact opinion of people or politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it. She probably regrets sending that text already. Girls this age wind each other up. If she brings it up again in person say you are sorry she feels that way and you are willing to go with her to counseling to work through those feelings but you don’t think it will be productive to have such a conversation on your own.

+1.

Kids (even those over 18, whose frontal lobes are still developing) say dumb things sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying you are controlling, but I was raised by a very controlling mother. You don’t need to worry about cutting her off—if you are controlling, she’s already making plans to ensure she doesn’t need you. I knew I needed to get away from my mother when I was 16. I earned great grades to ensure I had college opportunities. I worked and had student loans in college (700 miles away from her) and have worked and supported myself ever since. Not needing her is incredibly freeing. If none of this applies to you, then dismiss it as teenage nonsense.

Genuinely curious what exactly folks these days define as “controlling”.

Slapping, screaming, throwing things at me, and calling me worthless and a piece of sh*t if I ever didn’t share her exact opinion of people or politics.

I think ”controlling” is not the right word for this behavior. Slapping you and throwing things at you might fall more under “abuse”.

OP, do you smack the s*it out of your daughter if she likes the wrong KPop group? Do you throw your wine bottle at her if she tells you she’s thinking of voting third party? Or do you just, you know, parent her by not allowing her to go unsupervised teenage parties?

If the latter, then having awesome perks likes college tuition paid for plus study abroad opportunities are ABSOLUTELY contingent upon her treating you with a modicum of respect. The bare minimum would be not texting you to tell you how much you suck and that she hates you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d text back “I’m sorry you feel like that. I love you no matter what.” Maybe she was drunk?

This!

Or something to the effect - “I’m so hurt you feel that way. Please know that I love you no matter what and I will always be here for you”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

Absolutely don’t threaten to cut off her funds. Actually cut off her funds.

Parenting isn't a transaction.

Paying for your adult kid to study abroad isn’t parenting, it’s a nice extra that you are voluntarily providing for your offspring. The offspring is not entitled this type of payout, and if you allow them to think that you owe them the world regardless of their own behavior, congratulations, you’re contributing to the decay of western society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how hurtful teenage daughters can be.

You sound like a great mom.

Of course don’t threaten to cut off her funds or your love…

When she is calm and alone, maybe share how her text made you feel, and ask that she can be kinder in her communications moving forward. You certainly deserve that.

Absolutely don’t threaten to cut off her funds. Actually cut off her funds.

Parenting isn't a transaction.

Paying for your adult kid to study abroad isn’t parenting, it’s a nice extra that you are voluntarily providing for your offspring. The offspring is not entitled this type of payout, and if you allow them to think that you owe them the world regardless of their own behavior, congratulations, you’re contributing to the decay of western society.

So you think western society is better when people stop parenting when their children turn 18?
In the rest of the world, parents support their children for much longer.