I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

It doesn’t sound like you love him. You view your relationship as transactional and you are on the losing end of the bargain.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

Marriage isn’t a suicide pact either.

I almost never think this, but Op wouldn’t get so much sympathy if she were a man posting about sick he is of his dumpy wife who is bad at sex and unwilling to try new things.

Ignores him to play on her phone, has disgusting personal habits, won't have a conversation about sex, won't get marital therapy, has untreated depression? They would get sympathy. There might be more questions about whether his wife is exhausted from doing all the housework and childcare, but no one would be saying "you'll never do better than her."

No, but they would assume most of her depression and emotional issues stem from DH and his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

It doesn’t sound like you love him. You view your relationship as transactional and you are on the losing end of the bargain.

OP here — I’m definitely not in love with him anymore, hence the title of the thread. I feel we are circling the drain and it’s excruciating, but, as I’ve written, DH has literally said he has no interest in doing anything different or changing our dynamic. That’s why I’m posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you miss being young.

OP here — Do you seriously associate trying new things, making an effort to engage with others, and staying in shape exclusively with being young? That’s very depressing.

From reading these responses, it really seems that some people believe that youth up to one’s 20s are for fun and making an effort at life, and then rest of life should be stagnant drudgery. Or maybe some people perceive effort as something you expend to attract a mate and then once you’ve locked them down, you can enjoy just sitting back and doing the bare minimum throughout the rest of life? For me, working out, trying new activities, reading up on topics I don’t know about, learning new languages, traveling, befriending different types of people, taking my career in new directions, and just exploring life weren’t things I was doing to attract someone. That’s really how I want to live single or married.

I like to read but I am a low-key introverted person and my husband is an extrovert. Reading your posts here, if you were my spouse I think I would shut down the way your spouse has shut down. It seems like you may be the type of person who exhausts your partner. There is no reason you can’t do all the things you list above by yourself and still accept your spouse. Being into 30 million things does not make you a better person than your spouse, which you seem to believe.

This is just the vibe I am getting, it’s not an excuse for your spouse to let himself go or refuse to treat his depression. People are responsible for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

It doesn’t sound like you love him. You view your relationship as transactional and you are on the losing end of the bargain.

OP here — I’m definitely not in love with him anymore, hence the title of the thread. I feel we are circling the drain and it’s excruciating, but, as I’ve written, DH has literally said he has no interest in doing anything different or changing our dynamic. That’s why I’m posting.

There is a difference between love and “in love.” Even at our lowest I love my spouse even if I am not feeling “in love” with him. I love him even when he is being totally crappy as a person. I love him even if he fails at something or yells at me or the kids or does something stupid. That doesn’t mean we can’t correct what’s going wrong, just that his qualities and my love are not always directly correlated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

It doesn’t sound like you love him. You view your relationship as transactional and you are on the losing end of the bargain.

OP here — I’m definitely not in love with him anymore, hence the title of the thread. I feel we are circling the drain and it’s excruciating, but, as I’ve written, DH has literally said he has no interest in doing anything different or changing our dynamic. That’s why I’m posting.

There is a difference between love and “in love.” Even at our lowest I love my spouse even if I am not feeling “in love” with him. I love him even when he is being totally crappy as a person. I love him even if he fails at something or yells at me or the kids or does something stupid. That doesn’t mean we can’t correct what’s going wrong, just that his qualities and my love are not always directly correlated.

OP here — I have love for him in the way one loves a family member. If your love for your husband is stronger than that, then I’m happy for you and I wish I had that. I spent years lying to myself about my true feelings, and at this point, I have to be honest that I have a very basic familial love for him, but that’s all that’s left at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Way to gaslight the OP. No, to many (most?) people, marriage is not simply for “long term stability.” OPs concerns and feelings are completely valid, and apparently resonate with many on this thread.

Please don't use words you don't understand. You look foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you miss being young.

OP here — Do you seriously associate trying new things, making an effort to engage with others, and staying in shape exclusively with being young? That’s very depressing.

From reading these responses, it really seems that some people believe that youth up to one’s 20s are for fun and making an effort at life, and then rest of life should be stagnant drudgery. Or maybe some people perceive effort as something you expend to attract a mate and then once you’ve locked them down, you can enjoy just sitting back and doing the bare minimum throughout the rest of life? For me, working out, trying new activities, reading up on topics I don’t know about, learning new languages, traveling, befriending different types of people, taking my career in new directions, and just exploring life weren’t things I was doing to attract someone. That’s really how I want to live single or married.

I like to read but I am a low-key introverted person and my husband is an extrovert. Reading your posts here, if you were my spouse I think I would shut down the way your spouse has shut down. It seems like you may be the type of person who exhausts your partner. There is no reason you can’t do all the things you list above by yourself and still accept your spouse. Being into 30 million things does not make you a better person than your spouse, which you seem to believe.

This is just the vibe I am getting, it’s not an excuse for your spouse to let himself go or refuse to treat his depression. People are responsible for themselves.

I don’t need my spouse to do every or even most things on my list with me. I do need a spouse who does more than shuffle from work to chores to the couch, with a two-minute quickie every now and then. Even just playing tennis together on the weekends or having one date night a week, but I definitely need someone who wants to get out of the house and spend time with me. That is who he portrayed himself as to get married to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

I think it's possible that a disconnected marriage can contribute to your unhappiness, but I also think it's foolish to place the entire blame on that person because if you think if you just get away from that person, all will be well. YOU have contributed to the dynamic in some ways, too. Reading your other posts, you seem to have romanticized what it would be like to be on your own -- which is a normal fantasy. But the reality is a lot messier.

As another pp said, yeah, you can probably find someone new to bang and travel with. And that probably will be an improvement in your life in some ways. However, your old life doesn't go completely away, and the issues with the kids, etc. will manifest itself for years in psychological misery in ways you can't possibly anticipate.

As for all that money you have saved, just remember he'll get half in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't had a chance to read the entire thread, I'll say that up front. But this jumped out at me from your initial post:

He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing

I'm betting others must have picked up on that but I'll say: Being "content just existing" can be fairly typical of some people with depression. Routine and blandness can be comforting and predictable. What you and I might interpret as being stuck in a terrible, boring rut may be, to him, a way to have control over his day to day life; when someone has depression or other mental issues, they often feel completely out of control inside, and so they control what they CAN control -- for instance, being in a very set routine and numbing themselves with what works for them (like too much food and too much TV). You and I know that meds plus plenty of exercise can actually help a lot, but if your DH's work-home-eat-TV routine is his way of living so he doesn't have to feel or face his depression, it's going to be hard to break him out of that.

But OP, if you once loved him enough to marry and have kids with him, have you considered doubling down on trying to get him real help for the depression? I know someone will come to shout, "You cannot make someone else get treatment!" and that's true; however, if my DH were in that kind of rut AND had a clear diagnosis for which he wasn't getting treatment, I would make treatment a non-negotiable issue. Have you told him -- not hinted, not suggested more activities, just told him very clearly -- that you are feeling so desperate? I would, and then I would tell him that he is sick and not getting treatment. He'd get treatment for a physical illness, right? He needs treatment for depression.

That may make a real difference, but you will likely have to push the issue hard. I know, you should not HAVE to do that, but if he is depressed, he may not see any way out of that hole. It can be almost impossible for some depressed people to pick up a phone, make an appointment, go online, see what their insurance offers, etc. That is tough on the spouses but the alternatives for you are push him to get treated (which initially may end up with you having to make and get him to appointments, and be the "mean mom" to him re: meds etc.), or continue to "work on you" and stil be unhappy, or leave and break up the home. If you leave, be aware: He will get custody, probably 50/50, and your kids will spend half their lives with an untreated, depressed dad without you there to mitigate that. I'd at least try taking some focus off myself temporarily and putting it on his depression. Maybe the rut is not all about depression but you won't know unless you push him and get him to TRY help.

One note -- if he says "But I don't feel sad or blue, I'm not depressed" -- Depression does not always manifest as "feeling sad." It can manifest as just being detached, one-note, bland. If you arent' seeing sadness or he says he doesn't feel it, that does not mean he's not depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

I think it's possible that a disconnected marriage can contribute to your unhappiness, but I also think it's foolish to place the entire blame on that person because if you think if you just get away from that person, all will be well. YOU have contributed to the dynamic in some ways, too. Reading your other posts, you seem to have romanticized what it would be like to be on your own -- which is a normal fantasy. But the reality is a lot messier.

As another pp said, yeah, you can probably find someone new to bang and travel with. And that probably will be an improvement in your life in some ways. However, your old life doesn't go completely away, and the issues with the kids, etc. will manifest itself for years in psychological misery in ways you can't possibly anticipate.

As for all that money you have saved, just remember he'll get half in a divorce.

OP here — he wouldn’t get half because we are equally matched financially. Half of his and half of mine leaves us in the same position. I’m fortunate that financial ruin is not a concern here.

I think that, romantically, divorced life for me would be like what single life was like. I had no plans to get married. I really enjoyed having an active life in which I worked hard and made a lot of effort in my personal life to learn and do interesting things. I dated great guys, but didn’t feel the urge to make things forever. I honestly wouldn’t have married my husband if he hadn’t bent over backwards to woo me and really push the issue of marriage. In getting married, he made the case that I would be getting a partner in crime — someone to share the world with and raise cute kids with. He pretended to love volunteering the way I did (turns out he hates being around underprivileged people), to enjoy traveling, to enjoy picking up new skills here and there. He even pretended to love running, but he hasn’t gone for a single run since our first child was born. I guess he thought I would just suck it up once we are married and he had me stuck with kids. And I guess he was right because I’m still here, aren’t I? The plan worked.

I’d be perfectly happy to coparent our children with him, share custody, and never again settle down with a man. I think he’d be a very resentful coparent though and our kids would suffer in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you miss being young.

OP here — Do you seriously associate trying new things, making an effort to engage with others, and staying in shape exclusively with being young? That’s very depressing.

From reading these responses, it really seems that some people believe that youth up to one’s 20s are for fun and making an effort at life, and then rest of life should be stagnant drudgery. Or maybe some people perceive effort as something you expend to attract a mate and then once you’ve locked them down, you can enjoy just sitting back and doing the bare minimum throughout the rest of life? For me, working out, trying new activities, reading up on topics I don’t know about, learning new languages, traveling, befriending different types of people, taking my career in new directions, and just exploring life weren’t things I was doing to attract someone. That’s really how I want to live single or married.

I like to read but I am a low-key introverted person and my husband is an extrovert. Reading your posts here, if you were my spouse I think I would shut down the way your spouse has shut down. It seems like you may be the type of person who exhausts your partner. There is no reason you can’t do all the things you list above by yourself and still accept your spouse. Being into 30 million things does not make you a better person than your spouse, which you seem to believe.

This is just the vibe I am getting, it’s not an excuse for your spouse to let himself go or refuse to treat his depression. People are responsible for themselves.

I don’t need my spouse to do every or even most things on my list with me. I do need a spouse who does more than shuffle from work to chores to the couch, with a two-minute quickie every now and then. Even just playing tennis together on the weekends or having one date night a week, but I definitely need someone who wants to get out of the house and spend time with me. That is who he portrayed himself as to get married to me.

Have you said to him what you wrote above? In those words? "You are not meeting my needs and I am extremely unhappy in this marriage. Here's why...." with what you typed above. Then schedule something for this weekend, set up a babysitter and tell him it's happening. I know, the work is all on you, but you may have to be very blunt, tell him you are considering leaving, and then say that activity whatever is happening. Then tell him when the next date night or tennis outing is, and he has to arrange it. He sounds so locked into his routine, and he likely thinks that because sex happens, all is OK, that you will have to take initiative to shake him out of it and will have to do more than say "I'd like us to try..." It may take, "I need to tell you that our life together makes me profoundly unhappy."

He's not going to start coming up with things on his own. Tell him you think he "shuffles from work to chores to the couch." He likely has no idea that that is so upsetting for you and he needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

I think it's possible that a disconnected marriage can contribute to your unhappiness, but I also think it's foolish to place the entire blame on that person because if you think if you just get away from that person, all will be well. YOU have contributed to the dynamic in some ways, too. Reading your other posts, you seem to have romanticized what it would be like to be on your own -- which is a normal fantasy. But the reality is a lot messier.

As another pp said, yeah, you can probably find someone new to bang and travel with. And that probably will be an improvement in your life in some ways. However, your old life doesn't go completely away, and the issues with the kids, etc. will manifest itself for years in psychological misery in ways you can't possibly anticipate.

As for all that money you have saved, just remember he'll get half in a divorce.

OP here — he wouldn’t get half because we are equally matched financially. Half of his and half of mine leaves us in the same position. I’m fortunate that financial ruin is not a concern here.

I think that, romantically, divorced life for me would be like what single life was like. I had no plans to get married. I really enjoyed having an active life in which I worked hard and made a lot of effort in my personal life to learn and do interesting things. I dated great guys, but didn’t feel the urge to make things forever. I honestly wouldn’t have married my husband if he hadn’t bent over backwards to woo me and really push the issue of marriage. In getting married, he made the case that I would be getting a partner in crime — someone to share the world with and raise cute kids with. He pretended to love volunteering the way I did (turns out he hates being around underprivileged people), to enjoy traveling, to enjoy picking up new skills here and there. He even pretended to love running, but he hasn’t gone for a single run since our first child was born. I guess he thought I would just suck it up once we are married and he had me stuck with kids. And I guess he was right because I’m still here, aren’t I? The plan worked.

I’d be perfectly happy to coparent our children with him, share custody, and never again settle down with a man. I think he’d be a very resentful coparent though and our kids would suffer in the divorce.

Spend some time on the threads here where women are lamenting how awful dating can be these days. Be sure before you divorce that you are going to be content being a coparent and not having a significant other for the travel, volunteering, running, etc. Sex for sex's sake is easy to find; a man who'll want an actual relationship may be a much more difficult task. Not impossible, but some women seem to focus so hard on finding that next relationship which will be what their marriage wasn't, and then they're still unhappy, just unhappy and single with kids.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you miss being young.

OP here — Do you seriously associate trying new things, making an effort to engage with others, and staying in shape exclusively with being young? That’s very depressing.

From reading these responses, it really seems that some people believe that youth up to one’s 20s are for fun and making an effort at life, and then rest of life should be stagnant drudgery. Or maybe some people perceive effort as something you expend to attract a mate and then once you’ve locked them down, you can enjoy just sitting back and doing the bare minimum throughout the rest of life? For me, working out, trying new activities, reading up on topics I don’t know about, learning new languages, traveling, befriending different types of people, taking my career in new directions, and just exploring life weren’t things I was doing to attract someone. That’s really how I want to live single or married.

I like to read but I am a low-key introverted person and my husband is an extrovert. Reading your posts here, if you were my spouse I think I would shut down the way your spouse has shut down. It seems like you may be the type of person who exhausts your partner. There is no reason you can’t do all the things you list above by yourself and still accept your spouse. Being into 30 million things does not make you a better person than your spouse, which you seem to believe.

This is just the vibe I am getting, it’s not an excuse for your spouse to let himself go or refuse to treat his depression. People are responsible for themselves.

I don’t need my spouse to do every or even most things on my list with me. I do need a spouse who does more than shuffle from work to chores to the couch, with a two-minute quickie every now and then. Even just playing tennis together on the weekends or having one date night a week, but I definitely need someone who wants to get out of the house and spend time with me. That is who he portrayed himself as to get married to me.

The bolded is a want, not a need.

And you would be giving up other wants if you divorce your DH over this.

Your situation is not ideal, but if this one aspect of your life leaves you generally unhappy, you are part of the problem.

Foster your other relationships and make peace with the fact that he is not going to be the kind of friend you expected. Don't be that person for him either. Give him little and put your energy into other relationships that are more rewarding.

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Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

It doesn’t sound like you love him. You view your relationship as transactional and you are on the losing end of the bargain.

OP here — I’m definitely not in love with him anymore, hence the title of the thread. I feel we are circling the drain and it’s excruciating, but, as I’ve written, DH has literally said he has no interest in doing anything different or changing our dynamic. That’s why I’m posting.

There is a difference between love and “in love.” Even at our lowest I love my spouse even if I am not feeling “in love” with him. I love him even when he is being totally crappy as a person. I love him even if he fails at something or yells at me or the kids or does something stupid. That doesn’t mean we can’t correct what’s going wrong, just that his qualities and my love are not always directly correlated.

OP here — I have love for him in the way one loves a family member. If your love for your husband is stronger than that, then I’m happy for you and I wish I had that. I spent years lying to myself about my true feelings, and at this point, I have to be honest that I have a very basic familial love for him, but that’s all that’s left at this point.

Then you should leave the marriage. Forget the PPs saying you should stay for the children. In fact you're setting a terrible example of settling for an inadequate partner and deeply unhappy marriage. This is more damage to them than adjusting to amicable co-parenting and two separate households. The key is whether you're okay being alone in the end, if that's the way it works out. No guarantee you'll meet someone fabulous or fall in love again.