Reply to I Miss Being In Love

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.[/quote]

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case. [/quote]

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.[/quote]

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).
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OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here. [/quote]

I think it's possible that a disconnected marriage can contribute to your unhappiness, but I also think it's foolish to place the entire blame on that person because if you think if you just get away from that person, all will be well. YOU have contributed to the dynamic in some ways, too. Reading your other posts, you seem to have romanticized what it would be like to be on your own -- which is a normal fantasy. But the reality is a lot messier.

As another pp said, yeah, you can probably find someone new to bang and travel with. And that probably will be an improvement in your life in some ways. However, your old life doesn't go completely away, and the issues with the kids, etc. will manifest itself for years in psychological misery in ways you can't possibly anticipate.

As for all that money you have saved, just remember he'll get half in a divorce. [/quote]
OP here — he wouldn’t get half because we are equally matched financially. Half of his and half of mine leaves us in the same position. I’m fortunate that financial ruin is not a concern here.

I think that, romantically, divorced life for me would be like what single life was like. I had no plans to get married. I really enjoyed having an active life in which I worked hard and made a lot of effort in my personal life to learn and do interesting things. I dated great guys, but didn’t feel the urge to make things forever. I honestly wouldn’t have married my husband if he hadn’t bent over backwards to woo me and really push the issue of marriage. In getting married, he made the case that I would be getting a partner in crime — someone to share the world with and raise cute kids with. He pretended to love volunteering the way I did (turns out he hates being around underprivileged people), to enjoy traveling, to enjoy picking up new skills here and there. He even pretended to love running, but he hasn’t gone for a single run since our first child was born. I guess he thought I would just suck it up once we are married and he had me stuck with kids. And I guess he was right because I’m still here, aren’t I? The plan worked.

I’d be perfectly happy to coparent our children with him, share custody, and never again settle down with a man. I think he’d be a very resentful coparent though and our kids would suffer in the divorce.[/quote]

Spend some time on the threads here where women are lamenting how awful dating can be these days. Be sure before you divorce that you are going to be content being a coparent and not having a significant other for the travel, volunteering, running, etc. Sex for sex's sake is easy to find; a man who'll want an actual relationship may be a much more difficult task. Not impossible, but some women seem to focus so hard on finding that next relationship which will be what their marriage wasn't, and then they're still unhappy, just unhappy and single with kids. [/quote]

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