I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

He’s not committed to his vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

He’s not committed to his vows.

Which part of his vows did he fail? He is faithful but depressed. No one’s vows say they must be physically fit and awesome at sex and willing to try new things. Maybe her DH could be all those things but he’s depressed right now and depression is really a beast of a condition. He can’t see how much he is failing her and how much he is breeding her contempt for him.

[Anonymous]

Op,

I divorced a similar type of guy. He was overweight (but so was I), and focused primarily on working long hours, spending time in his man cave, listening to records, and going to sleep at 8pm to wake up at 2am and work looong hours. We grew apart. I wanted to go on walks with our dog (never did that), 5k runs (he hates running due to a high resting heart rate), play tennis (he had zero interest).

Now that I’m divorced, I’m dating a guy that enjoys playing tennis, going to the gym together, cooking together, going on trips. He’s not as intellectual as ex DH but is up for doing things and being more adventurous (although not *that adventurous).

So in a way, things improved… but I really miss having a family. I don’t miss ex DH that much because he cheated on me… I don’t miss his workaholic lifestyle, I don’t miss feeling lonely in marriage… but dating is one thing, and having a family is so much harder. So if you did get a divorce, you’d likely find lots of amazing guys to date… but to trust them, to build a future with them, to have stability and settle down with them is entirely different.

I’m so sympathetic for what you are going through… but the grass isn’t that much greener. There’s patches of green but patches of brown, dead grass too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

[Anonymous]

There was a PP who suggested getting your husband to the gym to workout. I completely agree with this - my DH was on the same path as yours and we both got into working out and it changed our lives. Before, life was just so hard. Doing basic every day things like picking up boxing, going up and down stairs, planning a weekend trip away was so hard. Now, everything feels easy. We both have so much more energy for life. Sounds like your DH is not into therapy, I think a gym has potential to help him get his mojo back, and it’s something you can enjoy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

Marriage isn’t a suicide pact either.

[Anonymous]

OP, you miss being young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

Marriage isn’t a suicide pact either.

I almost never think this, but Op wouldn’t get so much sympathy if she were a man posting about sick he is of his dumpy wife who is bad at sex and unwilling to try new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,

I divorced a similar type of guy. He was overweight (but so was I), and focused primarily on working long hours, spending time in his man cave, listening to records, and going to sleep at 8pm to wake up at 2am and work looong hours. We grew apart. I wanted to go on walks with our dog (never did that), 5k runs (he hates running due to a high resting heart rate), play tennis (he had zero interest).

Now that I’m divorced, I’m dating a guy that enjoys playing tennis, going to the gym together, cooking together, going on trips. He’s not as intellectual as ex DH but is up for doing things and being more adventurous (although not *that adventurous).

So in a way, things improved… but I really miss having a family. I don’t miss ex DH that much because he cheated on me… I don’t miss his workaholic lifestyle, I don’t miss feeling lonely in marriage… but dating is one thing, and having a family is so much harder. So if you did get a divorce, you’d likely find lots of amazing guys to date… but to trust them, to build a future with them, to have stability and settle down with them is entirely different.

I’m so sympathetic for what you are going through… but the grass isn’t that much greener. There’s patches of green but patches of brown, dead grass too.

OP here — I don’t think I’d want to remarry. This marriage and all the marriages I’ve seen around me make me very hesitant to ever again settle down with a man. My ideal situation would be a man who loves to travel, try new things, and explore great sex, but has his own place and keeps his drama to himself. I’d be back on the market in a second if he got lazy in bed, started watching sports at dinner instead of talking, started overeating because he’s thought he had me locked down and didn’t need to look nice anymore etc. DH and I would be so done if not for the kids and the effort divorce requires, so I’m never again going to let another man tie me down like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

She already settled when she married him; the question now is how committed both of them are to their vows- for better and for worse, remember? Marriage isn’t a game, your kids’ lives aren’t a game. It’s not fair but life’s not fair and either she helps DH get out of his funk or she fails in her marriage.

Marriage isn’t a suicide pact either.

I almost never think this, but Op wouldn’t get so much sympathy if she were a man posting about sick he is of his dumpy wife who is bad at sex and unwilling to try new things.

Ignores him to play on her phone, has disgusting personal habits, won't have a conversation about sex, won't get marital therapy, has untreated depression? They would get sympathy. There might be more questions about whether his wife is exhausted from doing all the housework and childcare, but no one would be saying "you'll never do better than her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

The corollary to this is so many women come to believe their man/relationship is the source of their unhappiness. Which is rarely the case.

A burping, farting, unhealthy man who takes no pleasure in pleasing his wife in bed or in any activities, who he vowed to cherish? Come on, of course it’s a huge and valid source of unhappiness.

So, I see you are one of those women making this mistake.

You'll see.

He's not the source of your unhappiness. That comes from within. I realize it's a lot easier to blame others that take personal responsibility for your own mental health. But, no, he doesn't owe you that "in love" feeling from the honeymoon phase of your relationship. OP is bored, etc. Classic midlife crisis. At least she knows the grass isn't greener, but a lot of women get to this phase (and it IS a phase), get "bored," look around, decide their husband is the source, and make radical changes in their lives (i.e. divorce). And then are shocked to find out they're not happier, long term. I mean, a few are, certainly. But they're usually better about taking responsibility for their own happiness rather than depending on someone else to bring them happiness (be it a husband, children, whatever).

OP here — Do you think it’s possible for a spouse to make a person unhappy or is your take that unhappiness always from within regardless of what the spouse is like?

By the way, I actually believe the grass would be greener elsewhere. DH sets a very low bar that wouldn’t be hard to exceed. I have my own money and nest egg from years of working and careful decisions, so I wouldn’t end up impoverished after divorce. The impact on my children is what’s keeping me here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you miss being young.

OP here — Do you seriously associate trying new things, making an effort to engage with others, and staying in shape exclusively with being young? That’s very depressing.

From reading these responses, it really seems that some people believe that youth up to one’s 20s are for fun and making an effort at life, and then rest of life should be stagnant drudgery. Or maybe some people perceive effort as something you expend to attract a mate and then once you’ve locked them down, you can enjoy just sitting back and doing the bare minimum throughout the rest of life? For me, working out, trying new activities, reading up on topics I don’t know about, learning new languages, traveling, befriending different types of people, taking my career in new directions, and just exploring life weren’t things I was doing to attract someone. That’s really how I want to live single or married.