I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me when there is a thread posted like this and so many basically respond with something along the lines of “this is life-learn to live with it”. You guys realize we only have one life right? Who the heck wants to be miserable?

For the record, I am staying in my non filling marriage until my youngest goes to college in a few years. My kids are happy and I don’t want to uproot their lives when I have plenty of friends and interests and a great job to distract me. But I cannot tell you how excited I am to have my freedom soon. But I’m not willing to deal with custody stuff and the kids having to be back and forth. I am willing to wait a few years for it to be a simpler transition for everyone. That being said-I fantasize about how my life will change all the time.

Nobody deserves to be miserable, OP. You will be happier and HE will be happier because he can just be happy go he is with someone forcing him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. All the posters suggesting you have a conversation with him where you basically say “we do this or I’m leaving” don’t seem to understand what it feels like when someone does something because they are being forced rather than because they want to. Nobody wants that.

OP-you deserve happiness. We all do. And I’m so sick of the commentary about how spouses can’t make you unhappy. They most certainly can.

Your first and second paragraph contradict each other. Lol

This is life because you are making these sacrifices for your kids. If they end up unhappy in divorce, OP would still be unhappy, so staying is still the best decision for her happiness.

If OP was childless, different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to threaten to separate unless he treats his depression. Having a depressed parent is not healthy for your kids, either.

Depression is an excuse. He was probably depressed when they met too but put in enough effort to convince her to marry him. Once he got her, it was time to be "himself".

My DH blames everything on depression (he is not as bad as OP's DH but there are big problems), but he was depressed( treated just as it is now) when I met him, and he was perfect when we were dating and is now comfortable because he knows I am going nowhere( he would not admit this, but it’s the truth). He is still great at work though, so it's excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

Surprise. You're about to reach the age where many of your friends and family will be hit with life altering illnesses- breast/colon/prostate/ovarian cancers, autoimmune and heart issues. See what those do to your sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ll be happier when you start dating, but the sadness will kick in when the guys you date end up disappointing you, or when you see your kids struggle with divorce.

Counterpoint: mom has tried for years now. The kids also deserve a happy and vibrant mother, especially if they have a depressed father.

Yes but the key point, as several have now mentioned, is whether she can envision being happy and vibrant without another long-term partner. It's a risk she needs to decide whether she's willing to take.

True, and I bet she’d be content dating. Maybe she doesn’t want to settle down for another few decades. OP doesn’t seem like the serial monogamist type.

She is fit and fun. She’ll have plenty of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me when there is a thread posted like this and so many basically respond with something along the lines of “this is life-learn to live with it”. You guys realize we only have one life right? Who the heck wants to be miserable?

For the record, I am staying in my non filling marriage until my youngest goes to college in a few years. My kids are happy and I don’t want to uproot their lives when I have plenty of friends and interests and a great job to distract me. But I cannot tell you how excited I am to have my freedom soon. But I’m not willing to deal with custody stuff and the kids having to be back and forth. I am willing to wait a few years for it to be a simpler transition for everyone. That being said-I fantasize about how my life will change all the time.

Nobody deserves to be miserable, OP. You will be happier and HE will be happier because he can just be happy go he is with someone forcing him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. All the posters suggesting you have a conversation with him where you basically say “we do this or I’m leaving” don’t seem to understand what it feels like when someone does something because they are being forced rather than because they want to. Nobody wants that.

OP-you deserve happiness. We all do. And I’m so sick of the commentary about how spouses can’t make you unhappy. They most certainly can.

Your first and second paragraph contradict each other. Lol

This is life because you are making these sacrifices for your kids. If they end up unhappy in divorce, OP would still be unhappy, so staying is still the best decision for her happiness.

If OP was childless, different story.

It is not a contradiction-I am leaving. That is certain. I’m just waiting 3 more years to make it less of a burden on my children. Now if it was further away than that? That would be different.

And commenting on the last thing you said-so she should just stay because of the “possibility” that she may be unhappy in divorce? I mean, she is definitely unhappy in the marriage so I’m not sure what the argument is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

Surprise. You're about to reach the age where many of your friends and family will be hit with life altering illnesses- breast/colon/prostate/ovarian cancers, autoimmune and heart issues. See what those do to your sex life.

Yes, we should all stay in unhappy marriages just in case this happens. Great advice.

[Anonymous]

So many people on here thinking if you have a man who does chores and doesn’t cheat, you better hang on to him for dear life no matter what. Is it 1955?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

Surprise. You're about to reach the age where many of your friends and family will be hit with life altering illnesses- breast/colon/prostate/ovarian cancers, autoimmune and heart issues. See what those do to your sex life.

Yes, we should all stay in unhappy marriages just in case this happens. Great advice.

Just saying that those of us dealing with this find complaints from people about the intensity of their sex lives a little off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

Surprise. You're about to reach the age where many of your friends and family will be hit with life altering illnesses- breast/colon/prostate/ovarian cancers, autoimmune and heart issues. See what those do to your sex life.

That doesn’t happen until mid-50s/60s.

[Anonymous]

OP if you leave you are very foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

Surprise. You're about to reach the age where many of your friends and family will be hit with life altering illnesses- breast/colon/prostate/ovarian cancers, autoimmune and heart issues. See what those do to your sex life.

Yes, we should all stay in unhappy marriages just in case this happens. Great advice.

Just saying that those of us dealing with this find complaints from people about the intensity of their sex lives a little off base.

Way to make this thread about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people on here thinking if you have a man who does chores and doesn’t cheat, you better hang on to him for dear life no matter what. Is it 1955?

Where are all these endlessly interesting, attractive, fit, rich, intelligent 40 something year old men who are eager to have a committed relationship with a woman with school aged kids and custody issues? They are probably hanging out with 25 year olds looking for a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people on here thinking if you have a man who does chores and doesn’t cheat, you better hang on to him for dear life no matter what. Is it 1955?

Where are all these endlessly interesting, attractive, fit, rich, intelligent 40 something year old men who are eager to have a committed relationship with a woman with school aged kids and custody issues? They are probably hanging out with 25 year olds looking for a good time.

There are more than you think. Because they also recently left wives just like OP’s husband. Think about it.

[Anonymous]

A couple things stand out:

1. It’s really hard to be married to a depressed spouse who refuses to help themselves.

2. We are on page 10 and OP has yet to list one way she has contributed to the dynamic. And she claims to have been a worldly dater who was fooled by her DH. Refusal to look at your own part in your life doesn’t bode well for life after divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you have any longish relationships before you married? Did you get bored with those guys too? The "in love" feeling seldom lasts.