I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else miss being in love?

I’m a 39 year old mom of 2 married to a good DH for 12 years. On the plus side, he works hard for the family, shares chores, and loves me and our kids. He’s reliable and solid. I don’t worry he’ll cheat or run out on us. On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

Nonetheless, I have found myself deeply, achingly lonely and bored for a few years now. I find DH completely unromantic, boring, and stagnant. We share no hobbies or interests. I tried for years to find activities to do together, but he finally admitted he’s not up for trying new things. We have no friends in common and he barely sees his friends. He’s very content going to work, coming home to eat dinner in front of the tv, and going to bed after doing chores. On the weekends, he’s content doing stuff with the kids, eating out once or twice, and watching a lot of tv. He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing and I don’t begrudge him that, but being married to someone like this is killing me.

I’m not attracted to him anymore, but I have sex with him regularly purely because my sex drive has revved up over my 30s. I’m horny all the time, but the sex absolutely sucks. When I tried to spice up our sex life with extended foreplay, toys, sharing fantasies etc., he said I was acting weird and clammed up until we reverted to the same lame quickies in which he’s finished within minutes.

I’ve thrown myself into parenting, leaned into my job, got a certificate in a tough area of study, taken up new sports, become an avid chef, joined a book club, become politically active, decorated and redecorated our house…all over the past few years. I’m doing all the things alleviate my incredible boredom and loneliness in this marriage, but I still feel so unfulfilled.

I feel as if I’m drowning. Right now, he’s glued to sports on his phone as he eats his second serving of dinner. I just finished working out. I miss passion, excitement, lusting for my significant other, sharing things with each other, exploring life…living! I feel as if I’m just waiting to die. It’s becoming an existential crisis for me as I second guess my life. DH isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to blow up my kids’ lives over my romantic needs. My kids are really happy and have no idea that their do-it-all mom is overcompensating for missing romantic love in her life.

Any advice? Commiseration? It’s a new year and I feel dejected continuing like this.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you. There may be no easy fix. At least you understand the grass may not necessarily be greener elsewhere

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

OP here - As a man, do you find that you, too, prefer routine over trying new things? I don’t feel as if I’m asking for much, but I do know that what I consider living versus what he considers living differs very much. I never thought this might be an actual sex-based difference.

[Anonymous]

In this era where women’s happiness is prioritized, encouraged and talked about, i think women who want a fulfilling life should not get married.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so normal. I could change around some of the words and it would be my life, although I am the less social, more introverted one in my relationship. I don’t think it’s worth blowing up your kids’ lives so you need to work with him. Have you tried couples therapy? Individual therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

OP here - As a man, do you find that you, too, prefer routine over trying new things? I don’t feel as if I’m asking for much, but I do know that what I consider living versus what he considers living differs very much. I never thought this might be an actual sex-based difference.

To be honest you are not asking much at all. I am a bit like your husband expect I am fit and not as gross. But like your hubby I am boring and my wife is always up for new things, new experiences, etc. My wife always want to do stuff and honestly I can’t keep with her. I shouldn’t have generalized because it could just be that I am boring guy. If my wife were to divorce me I’ll totally get it and won’t fight her because I am happy being a boring guy.

[Anonymous]

I have never been in love.

[Anonymous]

Are you missing the excitement of limerance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else miss being in love?

I’m a 39 year old mom of 2 married to a good DH for 12 years. On the plus side, he works hard for the family, shares chores, and loves me and our kids. He’s reliable and solid. I don’t worry he’ll cheat or run out on us. On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

Nonetheless, I have found myself deeply, achingly lonely and bored for a few years now. I find DH completely unromantic, boring, and stagnant. We share no hobbies or interests. I tried for years to find activities to do together, but he finally admitted he’s not up for trying new things. We have no friends in common and he barely sees his friends. He’s very content going to work, coming home to eat dinner in front of the tv, and going to bed after doing chores. On the weekends, he’s content doing stuff with the kids, eating out once or twice, and watching a lot of tv. He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing and I don’t begrudge him that, but being married to someone like this is killing me.

I’m not attracted to him anymore, but I have sex with him regularly purely because my sex drive has revved up over my 30s. I’m horny all the time, but the sex absolutely sucks. When I tried to spice up our sex life with extended foreplay, toys, sharing fantasies etc., he said I was acting weird and clammed up until we reverted to the same lame quickies in which he’s finished within minutes.

I’ve thrown myself into parenting, leaned into my job, got a certificate in a tough area of study, taken up new sports, become an avid chef, joined a book club, become politically active, decorated and redecorated our house…all over the past few years. I’m doing all the things alleviate my incredible boredom and loneliness in this marriage, but I still feel so unfulfilled.

I feel as if I’m drowning. Right now, he’s glued to sports on his phone as he eats his second serving of dinner. I just finished working out. I miss passion, excitement, lusting for my significant other, sharing things with each other, exploring life…living! I feel as if I’m just waiting to die. It’s becoming an existential crisis for me as I second guess my life. DH isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to blow up my kids’ lives over my romantic needs. My kids are really happy and have no idea that their do-it-all mom is overcompensating for missing romantic love in her life.

Any advice? Commiseration? It’s a new year and I feel dejected continuing like this.

Could you elaborate a bit more on your interracial relationship. It could be cultural. Perhaps your hubby comes a culture where men act this way.

[Anonymous]

On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

So you're going to stay with him forever or leave when the kids launch?

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him in the first place? Was he always gross? Has the sex always been bad?

He probably thinks he’s killing it—at work, in the bedroom, and at home—all with a hot and fit wife.

I would at least try marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

So you're going to stay with him forever or leave when the kids launch?

OP here — I used to fantasize all the time about leaving when the kids are in college, but now I try not to think about it. Our youngest won’t be in college for 8 years and the thought of 8 more years of this makes me want to step into traffic. I’m so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

Not OP, and significantly happier in my marriage than OP is, but as a woman married to a man, this comment made me both guffaw and tear up a little. Yes! Women want to live fulfilling lives. Why do so many men not (1) also want this, or (2) understand that effort is involved in making it happen? A mystery for the ages.