I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him in the first place? Was he always gross? Has the sex always been bad?

He probably thinks he’s killing it—at work, in the bedroom, and at home—all with a hot and fit wife.

I would at least try marriage counseling.

He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He insists everything is fine and that I just need to learn to be content. Pretty infuriating, but that’s him. His reliability is a double edged sword — he fights anything that looks like change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

So you're going to stay with him forever or leave when the kids launch?

OP here — I used to fantasize all the time about leaving when the kids are in college, but now I try not to think about it. Our youngest won’t be in college for 8 years and the thought of 8 more years of this makes me want to step into traffic. I’m so lonely.

I’m sorry OP but your life is similar to that of most married women. Men are boring!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him in the first place? Was he always gross? Has the sex always been bad?

He probably thinks he’s killing it—at work, in the bedroom, and at home—all with a hot and fit wife.

I would at least try marriage counseling.

Op here — Meant to add that while we were dating and for the first year of marriage, he was up for doing new things, going places, planning dates. In hindsight, I think he put on that facade just to hang on to me and then slowly revealed his real tendencies when he felt safe. He was very keen to get married and worked hard on persuading me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

Op here - Why do you find date nights, foreplay, and trying new things so hard? I’m sincerely baffled. Please explain. I’m desperate to understand DH and men like him better.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don’t you have an affair? Your hubby will probably never find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this era where women’s happiness is prioritized, encouraged and talked about, i think women who want a fulfilling life should not get married.

Op here — I agree with you 100%. I tell every single woman who asks my opinion that she shouldn’t get married. They’re always surprised, but I won’t lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don’t you have an affair? Your hubby will probably never find out.

Op here — I think about it all the time, but if I find a man who excites me and who I can share passion with, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to come back to DH. I think it would be even more depressing to settle back into this marriage after the joy of an affair. That would be a one-way road to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

OP here - As a man, do you find that you, too, prefer routine over trying new things? I don’t feel as if I’m asking for much, but I do know that what I consider living versus what he considers living differs very much. I never thought this might be an actual sex-based difference.

To be honest you are not asking much at all. I am a bit like your husband expect I am fit and not as gross. But like your hubby I am boring and my wife is always up for new things, new experiences, etc. My wife always want to do stuff and honestly I can’t keep with her. I shouldn’t have generalized because it could just be that I am boring guy. If my wife were to divorce me I’ll totally get it and won’t fight her because I am happy being a boring guy.

Op here — What’s your daily/weekend routine like? Would you prefer your wife leave than for you to try new things and make an effort at finding new experiences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else miss being in love?

I’m a 39 year old mom of 2 married to a good DH for 12 years. On the plus side, he works hard for the family, shares chores, and loves me and our kids. He’s reliable and solid. I don’t worry he’ll cheat or run out on us. On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

Nonetheless, I have found myself deeply, achingly lonely and bored for a few years now. I find DH completely unromantic, boring, and stagnant. We share no hobbies or interests. I tried for years to find activities to do together, but he finally admitted he’s not up for trying new things. We have no friends in common and he barely sees his friends. He’s very content going to work, coming home to eat dinner in front of the tv, and going to bed after doing chores. On the weekends, he’s content doing stuff with the kids, eating out once or twice, and watching a lot of tv. He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing and I don’t begrudge him that, but being married to someone like this is killing me.

I’m not attracted to him anymore, but I have sex with him regularly purely because my sex drive has revved up over my 30s. I’m horny all the time, but the sex absolutely sucks. When I tried to spice up our sex life with extended foreplay, toys, sharing fantasies etc., he said I was acting weird and clammed up until we reverted to the same lame quickies in which he’s finished within minutes.

I’ve thrown myself into parenting, leaned into my job, got a certificate in a tough area of study, taken up new sports, become an avid chef, joined a book club, become politically active, decorated and redecorated our house…all over the past few years. I’m doing all the things alleviate my incredible boredom and loneliness in this marriage, but I still feel so unfulfilled.

I feel as if I’m drowning. Right now, he’s glued to sports on his phone as he eats his second serving of dinner. I just finished working out. I miss passion, excitement, lusting for my significant other, sharing things with each other, exploring life…living! I feel as if I’m just waiting to die. It’s becoming an existential crisis for me as I second guess my life. DH isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to blow up my kids’ lives over my romantic needs. My kids are really happy and have no idea that their do-it-all mom is overcompensating for missing romantic love in her life.

Any advice? Commiseration? It’s a new year and I feel dejected continuing like this.

Could you elaborate a bit more on your interracial relationship. It could be cultural. Perhaps your hubby comes a culture where men act this way.

DH is Jewish (Ashkenazi and born/raised on Northeast, if it matters). I’m a mixed-race second-gen immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

Op here - Why do you find date nights, foreplay, and trying new things so hard? I’m sincerely baffled. Please explain. I’m desperate to understand DH and men like him better.

In my case stress took over my life. I have a well paid but very demanding and stressful position. And when stressed I tend to withdraw from everyone around me. It went on for years and I only went for therapy when I became severely depressed. By that time it was too late my wife long checked out from the marriage but when I was in my 30s I was more outgoing and sexual. Once I hit 40 I was hit by both stress and low libido. Men don’t do well with stress. We tend to withdraw from those around us. We refuse help until it’s too late. Our wives as result become frustrated and feel less loved.

When it comes to sex what does your husband like? Is he a boobs guy, a butt guy? Knowing his preferences look for sexy outfits that will enhance those features of you that he likes and that may be the trick. Men are very visual. I am a butt guy, sometimes just seeing seeing my wife in yoga pants without underwear on does the trick lol.

[Anonymous]

He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He insists everything is fine and that I just need to learn to be content.

You're unhappy. And he invalidates you. You want to step into traffic. You're lonely.

I know the thought of divorce is overwhelming. But look at the things you're telling us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

Not OP, and significantly happier in my marriage than OP is, but as a woman married to a man, this comment made me both guffaw and tear up a little. Yes! Women want to live fulfilling lives. Why do so many men not (1) also want this, or (2) understand that effort is involved in making it happen? A mystery for the ages.

OP here — I don’t get it either. DH’s life consists of work, eating, chores, bed and it’s not because he’s too busy for anything else. It’s like a failure of imagination, fear of new things, addiction to routine, something that just makes him unable to look around the world and be curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

Op here - Why do you find date nights, foreplay, and trying new things so hard? I’m sincerely baffled. Please explain. I’m desperate to understand DH and men like him better.

In my case stress took over my life. I have a well paid but very demanding and stressful position. And when stressed I tend to withdraw from everyone around me. It went on for years and I only went for therapy when I became severely depressed. By that time it was too late my wife long checked out from the marriage but when I was in my 30s I was more outgoing and sexual. Once I hit 40 I was hit by both stress and low libido. Men don’t do well with stress. We tend to withdraw from those around us. We refuse help until it’s too late. Our wives as result become frustrated and feel less loved.

When it comes to sex what does your husband like? Is he a boobs guy, a butt guy? Knowing his preferences look for sexy outfits that will enhance those features of you that he likes and that may be the trick. Men are very visual. I am a butt guy, sometimes just seeing seeing my wife in yoga pants without underwear on does the trick lol.

OP here — attracting his interest isn’t the problem. He’s always grabbing my butt (his idea of foreplay) and we have sex regularly. It’s just very selfish, unfulfilling sex entirely on his terms. He’s indifferent to sexy outfits, lingerie, sexting, toys, anything extra and gets anxious when I try to spice things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don’t you have an affair? Your hubby will probably never find out.

Op here — I think about it all the time, but if I find a man who excites me and who I can share passion with, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to come back to DH. I think it would be even more depressing to settle back into this marriage after the joy of an affair. That would be a one-way road to divorce.

Can you financially afford to divorce him? If yes do it if he continuously refuse to make real changes. Keep asking him to go for counseling. Document every time you ask Gina be if after 1 year he still does not want to change, please go find your happiness elsewhere. You seem like a lovely woman who just want to enjoy basic things in life. I wish my wife was up to trying new things in bed that should be every husband’s dream lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He insists everything is fine and that I just need to learn to be content.

You're unhappy. And he invalidates you. You want to step into traffic. You're lonely.

I know the thought of divorce is overwhelming. But look at the things you're telling us.

Op here — I know. But is that enough reason to blow up my kids’ lives? My son cried at Christmas telling us how happy he is that our family is together and hasn’t broken up the way some of his cousins and friends’ families have. DH was so touched and cried too, and then I cried — but I crying was out of guilt and panic that I secretly want out a lot of the time. If there was a drug that could just lobotomize me so I could be on autopilot and stop wanting romance, passion, friendship, and all the stuff that’s supposed to come with a great marriage, I would take it in a heartbeat.