Our eight grader is so stressed by the tension at home that she talked to her new dean already on the first school day

[Anonymous]

I think we hit a point where just "trying to stick it out until our kid leaves for college" will do her more mental health harm than good. Today is the third day of school, and her new dean already reached out to me with therapist recommendations for our DD, saying that our daughter confided in her about the tension at home on both of the first two school days.

I am deeply saddened by this. The school counselor also recommended therapy for me. However, I think that only divorce will ultimately bring peace.
For years my husband worked out of state and came home only infrequently. As a result, my daughter and I lived in bliss and happiness. Now he is at home on the weekends, and my daughter sees me crying every single day when he is at home. She herself labeled her dad "toxic" (this is not a word that I use).

I honestly don't think that forcing me to develop coping mechanisms for gaslighting, lack of empathy, stonewalling and contempt will make me happy enough to endure the next five years.

We would need to sell our beautiful house if we divorced. With the current interest rates we both could only rent two-bedroom condos.

I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Find a lawyer and file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

I missed the part about how he behaves when he is in the house on the weekends now.

[Anonymous]

I missed the part about how a lovely but toxic house is better than a small but blissful condo.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same poster as "DH Cooks Everything with Tomatoes"? If so, it all makes sense, no further details needed.

[Anonymous]

It's going to be stressful for her either way.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should stop crying in her line of vision.

[Anonymous]

What is he doing that is causing you tears? Is there a chance you and he can live peacefully as roommates?

[Anonymous]

Crying in front of your children every single day to the point that you get a welfare check on the second day of school isn’t exactly what I’d call “trying to stick it out for the kids”. Are you really trying?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk to a lawyer. You're first question should be how much custody time will dad get in this scenario. I'm not sure. Since he's away so much, it's possible that 50/50 custody--in most cases the norm--would be every weekend.

It might be every other weekend.

AFTER finding out which is more likely, then decide whether to divorce.

If the tension is mostly between you and H and D is just a very upset witness the answer is different that if the tension is between your D and her father.

[Anonymous]

Fine, get divorced then. But if you can't learn to control yourself in her presence, that will continue to be a problem. Divorce is trading one set of problems for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I missed the part about how he behaves when he is in the house on the weekends now.

OP here. He disrespects me in front of our daughter: ignores me, talks only to her even when I try to make conversation, throws away my unfinished food, saying things in front of our daughter like "your behavior is so unpleasant, that I cannot be expected to be civil to you".

Gaslighting: All three of us are in the kitchen. I cook something on the stove. I take a quick phone call. He realizes that the food nearly boils over, takes the pot from the gas, but leaves the fire burning. The side of the upper wood cabinet is probably only 15 inches from the fire (likely not up to code). When I ask him why he let the fire burn without a pot over it, he said: "Why are you criticizing me? I did you a favor by taking the pot off the fire. You should have been here and dealt with it as you want."

My DD identifies with me very much and is already worried about making a bad choice when it will be her time to choose a partner.

[Anonymous]

The therapist is not to help make you happy in a miserable situation. The therapist is to help you understand why you’ve made the decision to stay in this situation and what strengths and resources you have for moving on.

Forget about the house. Get a lawyer, hash out what you’re entitled to, and take it from there. Recommend mediation to avoid expensive court battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same poster as "DH Cooks Everything with Tomatoes"? If so, it all makes sense, no further details needed.

OP here. No, that wasn't me.

[Anonymous]

So you'd rather your daughter suffer than give up your beautiful house to live in a condo? Your house is more important than your daughters wellbeing?

Parent of the year here!