My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares what your house looks like? The most important thing right now is your baby, not your house. But really, your baby is highly unlikely to die from a quick visit from relatives- just keep it quick if you are worried, and be honest with them and say you are worried about your baby catching germs while he or she is so new, and then after a quick peek from a 6 foot distance, you can whisk her away to safety. Maybe your Mom shouldn't have invited people over without running it by you first, but your reaction was way out of line, veering into Crazy Town. You can't freak out over every misstep people take around your baby, because there will be a ton of them. I imagine you are super embarrassed about the scene you caused, and looking for justification. Do you want us all to say your Mom is the worst monster in the world for doing this? She's really not.

If the infant mounts a fever, even just from a simple cold, that's an automatic spinal tap. Sepsis workup in a neonate is no joke.

It's not OP who should be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Your mom’s text is horrible. That would be hard to get over for me too, at any time not just with a newborn.

I’m not understanding why the airport ride is so important here, is she in a hard place financially and can’t pay for a ride? I guess if she really struggled to pay to come see you and help out, and really couldn’t afford to pay for a ride to the airport, maybe that was stressing her out. She still did wrong but financial stress is no joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are NOT wrong and you handled it beautifully. Maybe write a note to your uncle apologizing for the tears, saying you were caught off guard and look forward to welcoming them another time. They will understand. You don’t have to ge into blaming your mother - they already know.

OP does not need to apologize. WTF?

[Anonymous]

I was still unbelievably hormonal and crying all the time 5 days out from birth, OP has NOTHING to be embarrassed about in her reaction. And her mom criticizing her emotional reaction FIVE DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH is ridiculous -- it is completely normal for a woman to more emotional in the month after giving birth due to major hormonal fluctuations plus the stress of new motherhood. Especially true for first babies because even when you understand the hormonal impacts, it can really come as a surprise.

I think the concern about the baby's health and safety does matter and should have been a factor, but I think the bigger factor should have been that a woman deserves privacy and deference in the days following childbirth and should absolutely not be expected to entertain visitors if she doesn't want to, especially people she doesn't know well and who are just coming over to see the baby and give her mom ride.

There are very few things a woman could do in the first couple weeks (or maybe even a month) after giving birth that I would consider "rude" in the traditional sense. Our culture is so weird about childbirth and we have this extremely strange belief that women are totally unaffected by the experience and should be back to "normal" as soon as the baby is born. Other cultures have entire traditions built around the idea that a new mother needs extra support and deference for weeks or even months following birth, and the only expectations on the mom are to rest and feed/bond with her baby.

Team OP all the way. I would take a break from talking to my mom for a while after that message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby five days ago. My mom has been over helping. Been in a haze with no sleep etc. she then tells me that my uncle and his two toddlers and uncles mom (not my grandma) are coming over to meet the baby and drive her to the airport and they are on their way. My house is a mess and I’m not close with my uncle and am still wearing the hospital diaper. I said no, tell them not to come please, I am not ready for visitors. Well it was too late. They show up completely oblivious that I didn’t invite them. I come out crying saying I can’t believe my mother did this. They apologized and felt embarrassed and left. Now my mother is criticizing me saying that as a parent I need to be able to roll with the punches more and a baby is no excuse for embarrassing manners, life won’t always be on my terms and I have to behave appropriately when they aren’t. Can you tell me if I’m in the wrong here? I’m too exhausted for clarity

From your later message it seems that your husband doubled down on your mom too. That’s really rude.

I’m with you, baby and mother are in a fragile health state 5 days post partum. If you and your mom followed tradition a bit more you wouldn’t be having this situation at all, quarantine, rudeness and all.

to be frank sometimes a super crazy reaction is the only thing that will teach pushy people a lesson.

Why would your husband not drive your mom to the airport? You are not telling something.

You were right to be upset, but you are also rude as heck, and entitled. Your mom shouldn’t be surprised. I’m sure it’s not your first time. I’m sure you’re entitled in your everyday life. There is no way a polite person not suffering from mental illness will turn like this just from giving birth.

Good like to you, and congratulations on having a baby and keeping yourselves safe.

[Anonymous]

Good ’luck’ to you, and …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you know she was leaving? Had you talked about plans to get her to the airport?

I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.

I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.

Op they came with a gift and drove over an hour to come get her so I think it was a social visit under the guise of a ride to the airport. She never discussed the airport plans with my but my husband could have taken her or usually she hires this airport driver guy who is great. So I feel like the ride to the airport is an excuse

DH should not under any circumstances do the airport drive.
Relatives who drove an hour to get the load out of your house? Stand on walk and DH holds the baby near the door, no toilet priveledge and no refreshments. Lazy mom of OP exits and that's it. That whole group could have visted each other in a restaurant. I'm a boomer GM, MIL etc. If the OP mom was a true help during the isit the house would not have been a mess- from laundry to tidying up. Obviously she didn't perform her role.

[Anonymous]

She just wanted a ride to the airport. Did you talk about it in advance? She probably didn’t want to take Uber or at least to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just wanted a ride to the airport. Did you talk about it in advance? She probably didn’t want to take Uber or at least to pay for it.

OP's follow up makes it clear the ride was a ruse -- she usually hires a driver for the airport and OP's DH would have been happy to take her. Mom wanted to invite guests over to see her grandchild, knew OP would not want to host people, and came up with a way to make it happen that seemed "necessary."

Strong likelihood OP had even told her mom she didn't want guests at that time before this whole "airport ride" idea came about.

I have a mom like this and I think it's 20% that she's genuinely disappointed about whatever it is she wanted to do that I said no to, and 80% wanting to assert her dominance and make sure I know she's still the boss. And this behavior gets especially egregious around big events like my wedding or the birth of a child, because the idea of me being an adult making decisions without her, or doing something that she can no longer do, seems to trigger something in her.

I don't think it's that uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

+1000 to everything in this post.

I wish I'd read that book or just understood this before I had a child. I got walked all over by my family in the month after having my baby and did in fact wind up with PPD and just had a fairly miserable first year as a mom because not only did I not get the support I needed in that time, but I was consistently made to feel guilty for having any needs at all during that time.

If I had it to do over again, I would have hired a post-partum doula and would have told family we would not be hosting or visiting for 6 weeks after the baby was born. Yes, 6 weeks. It's what I needed and it's pretty common globally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

+1000 to everything in this post.

I wish I'd read that book or just understood this before I had a child. I got walked all over by my family in the month after having my baby and did in fact wind up with PPD and just had a fairly miserable first year as a mom because not only did I not get the support I needed in that time, but I was consistently made to feel guilty for having any needs at all during that time.

If I had it to do over again, I would have hired a post-partum doula and would have told family we would not be hosting or visiting for 6 weeks after the baby was born. Yes, 6 weeks. It's what I needed and it's pretty common globally.

I’m a big believer in the 6 weeks of rest but I think people are underestimating the family politics that are still involved in such arrangements. Do you really think ILs in other countries sit patiently waiting 40 days to see the grandchild? Do you really think every women finds comfort with her own mother?

Also I truly dislike these obtuse references to this country or society. When I was pregnant, it was other women who bragged about quickly they were back on their feet, working through labor, how 6 weeks rest is ridiculous. The men I know had the good sense to keep their mouths shut.

It’s worth remembering that it’s OP’s mother, not her husband, dad, or uncle causing the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP overreacted. Yea, her mom sounds crazy but OP overreacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

This!! (except for the part about op’s mother being a lovely person, which there seems no evidence to support)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP overreacted. Yea, her mom sounds crazy but OP overreacted.

And that’s okay. I’m glad she did because she stood up for her baby and herself. There is no need to apologize. I overreacted and lost my shit on the way home from the hospital because MIL decorated my house when I was gone. Years later, I can see it was a complete hormonal overreaction but I was exhausted and in pain. Also years later, I realize her boundary issues and how sometimes an overreaction was the only thing to get her attention.