My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

+1000 to everything in this post.

I wish I'd read that book or just understood this before I had a child. I got walked all over by my family in the month after having my baby and did in fact wind up with PPD and just had a fairly miserable first year as a mom because not only did I not get the support I needed in that time, but I was consistently made to feel guilty for having any needs at all during that time.

If I had it to do over again, I would have hired a post-partum doula and would have told family we would not be hosting or visiting for 6 weeks after the baby was born. Yes, 6 weeks. It's what I needed and it's pretty common globally.

I’m a big believer in the 6 weeks of rest but I think people are underestimating the family politics that are still involved in such arrangements. Do you really think ILs in other countries sit patiently waiting 40 days to see the grandchild? Do you really think every women finds comfort with her own mother?

Also I truly dislike these obtuse references to this country or society. When I was pregnant, it was other women who bragged about quickly they were back on their feet, working through labor, how 6 weeks rest is ridiculous. The men I know had the good sense to keep their mouths shut.

It’s worth remembering that it’s OP’s mother, not her husband, dad, or uncle causing the problem.

Yes, this is exactly the internalized misogyny being referenced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP overreacted. Yea, her mom sounds crazy but OP overreacted.

A woman 5 days postpartum cannot over react to having to perform a visit for strangers on demand and against her wishes. Your type of women are the absolute worst towards other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! White people are endlessly entertaining.

Seriously - this culture is so fascinating. I loved the “because I’m post-partum I can behave whichever way I want.” Such a problematic line of thinking.

What a misogynistic view. Women who are post partum are going through a lot. I despise people like you who participate in the competitive "who can act like having a baby is nothing" game. Go ahead and brag about how you had 20 relatives over the day you were released from the hospital and cooked a full meal for everyone that night.

Anyone who thinks women have to be this way is abusive.

This was my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m more on the moms side. You’re 5 days postpartum, it’s not the end of the world. You could have just said they can’t touch baby but can see it. Why is your house a disaster after only 5 days? Between you, your Dh and your mom, how is the house not somewhat picked up?

Regardless, it’s never right to be rude to people.

Tell your mom you don’t need her help anymore (esp if she can’t even help clean a house) and she needs to listen to your wishes.

So no one in this scenario is being rude to the PP mom? Fu5k all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just wanted a ride to the airport. Did you talk about it in advance? She probably didn’t want to take Uber or at least to pay for it.

OP's follow up makes it clear the ride was a ruse -- she usually hires a driver for the airport and OP's DH would have been happy to take her. Mom wanted to invite guests over to see her grandchild, knew OP would not want to host people, and came up with a way to make it happen that seemed "necessary."

Strong likelihood OP had even told her mom she didn't want guests at that time before this whole "airport ride" idea came about.

I have a mom like this and I think it's 20% that she's genuinely disappointed about whatever it is she wanted to do that I said no to, and 80% wanting to assert her dominance and make sure I know she's still the boss. And this behavior gets especially egregious around big events like my wedding or the birth of a child, because the idea of me being an adult making decisions without her, or doing something that she can no longer do, seems to trigger something in her.

I don't think it's that uncommon.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just wanted a ride to the airport. Did you talk about it in advance? She probably didn’t want to take Uber or at least to pay for it.

OP's follow up makes it clear the ride was a ruse -- she usually hires a driver for the airport and OP's DH would have been happy to take her. Mom wanted to invite guests over to see her grandchild, knew OP would not want to host people, and came up with a way to make it happen that seemed "necessary."

Strong likelihood OP had even told her mom she didn't want guests at that time before this whole "airport ride" idea came about.

I have a mom like this and I think it's 20% that she's genuinely disappointed about whatever it is she wanted to do that I said no to, and 80% wanting to assert her dominance and make sure I know she's still the boss. And this behavior gets especially egregious around big events like my wedding or the birth of a child, because the idea of me being an adult making decisions without her, or doing something that she can no longer do, seems to trigger something in her.

I don't think it's that uncommon.

+100

Not OP, but this is very insightful. I have an older sibling like this. Any boundary you set she will find a way to passive aggressively or overtly violate to show she is still the boss. I did not have a wedding because between her and my mother the event would be ruined with control freak behavior and drama. Every holiday they find a way to exercise their demons so I have distanced.

OP your mom has shown you who she is yet again during a highly stressful time. I know how it is. We want to believe they can actually be selfless, but any act of "generosity" like helping with a baby comes with hidden strings.

[Anonymous]

OP: I didn't read the thread but want to share a story. When I had my second child, I brought my not yet 30 day old infant to drop off dry cleaning. This very nice, caring and older Asian woman at the dry cleaner carefully told me about the first 90 days. Basically, if I remember, we (mom and baby) are supposed to stay home, unbothered for 30 days. Then, close family for the second 30 and close friends third 30. They take the 4th trimester seriously. Don't know the exact country though. So, not cool. you are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If today turned into a negative experience, it is only because you two refused to roll with the punches. If you can't cope with someting as innocuous as sudden unwanted company with grace and goods manners, then you two are in for a rough ride. When you have kids, you don't get to control much. Life won't always be on your terms, so you might want to start practicing how to behave appropriately when things don't go your way.



I find it unconscionable that after all I did for you, that you couldn't suck up a visit from our relatives so that I could get a ride to the airport. It was okay with you for me to be inconvenienced for days on end your sake, but when it comes time for you to be inconvenienced for my sake, it's not that you could not - you would not. Instead you felt it necessary to make everyone there uncomfortable making it clear that they were unwelcome. To treat anyone that way is beyond rude, but treating those who are well intentioned, care about you, and have done nothing but support you is beyond comprehension. Unexpected or not. Having a baby is no excuse for embarrassingly poor manners and I would hope you would never treat anyone else the way you treated our family.


Op this is the message she sent me

Omg OP. I am so, so sorry.

We had something similar happen with my ILs about a week after my first was born. We tried to gently impose a reasonable boundary and they completely lost their minds, packed up and went home, and MIL sent a mean note similar to this one blaming us for everything. It shook us to our cores. 2 years later and I still struggle with it.

Having been there, I would say this: you do not need to figure this out right now. You don’t have the bandwidth. Cry about it, feel sad, but don’t engage. We did and it wasn’t worth the energy. She just dumped her emotional baggage on you when you were barely a week postpartum. it’s not on you to sort that out when you’re not even sleeping longer than a couple hours at once.

Also, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Babies and life transitions bring out all kinds of latent personality traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was still unbelievably hormonal and crying all the time 5 days out from birth, OP has NOTHING to be embarrassed about in her reaction. And her mom criticizing her emotional reaction FIVE DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH is ridiculous -- it is completely normal for a woman to more emotional in the month after giving birth due to major hormonal fluctuations plus the stress of new motherhood. Especially true for first babies because even when you understand the hormonal impacts, it can really come as a surprise.

I think the concern about the baby's health and safety does matter and should have been a factor, but I think the bigger factor should have been that a woman deserves privacy and deference in the days following childbirth and should absolutely not be expected to entertain visitors if she doesn't want to, especially people she doesn't know well and who are just coming over to see the baby and give her mom ride.

There are very few things a woman could do in the first couple weeks (or maybe even a month) after giving birth that I would consider "rude" in the traditional sense. Our culture is so weird about childbirth and we have this extremely strange belief that women are totally unaffected by the experience and should be back to "normal" as soon as the baby is born. Other cultures have entire traditions built around the idea that a new mother needs extra support and deference for weeks or even months following birth, and the only expectations on the mom are to rest and feed/bond with her baby.

Team OP all the way. I would take a break from talking to my mom for a while after that message.

+1 million. Sitting here holding my 3 month old as he naps and I shudder looking back at the first couple of weeks. Just tears all the time for no reason. The hormones are no joke. And this was my second and I knew what to expect, and it STILL hit me like a ton of bricks. Unexpected visitors would have absolutely sent me over the edge.

OP, how you feel is so valid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I wouldn't have teared up and yelled at people like you did, but you did what you did, and it's over.

Shut up. I’m an extremely even keeled and polite person, and I would have absolutely done this at 5 days postpartum. Prolonged sleep deprivation, hormones, body having just gone through an incredible feat of endurance and strength with no time to recover… women shouldn’t be expected to be doing anything other than resting and taking care of their baby, and they should have lots of help. Our culture pretends postpartum isn’t a thing and I’m sick of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. The post partum hormones are no joke and I totally didn't anticipate how out of sorts I was going to feel. I was raised by Southerners where manners are paramount and even I found myself yelling at my MIL when my oldest was less than 2 weeks old. That's NOT who I am, and I like my MIL. I was just so totally overwhelmed by an emergency c-section and trying to nurse and didn't have space to manage the desires of anyone other than the baby and basic needs for myself. I was crying all the time and actually wondered for months if I had PPD (which in hindsight I might have but it's hard to suss out at the time).

Your mom was wrong. A, for not asking and springing it on you. B, for not pivoting when she realized it was a problem. C, for sending that crappy email after she left.

As others have mentioned, I'd drop your Uncle a note/email and apologize, tell him you don't feel quite like yourself yet, but I'd ignore your mom for a while. So sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the poor uncle et al who came all the way to see you and the baby. They didn’t know they were unwanted and didn’t deserve such treatment. The mom should have run it by you first, but sometimes there are unexpected visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I wouldn't have teared up and yelled at people like you did, but you did what you did, and it's over.

Shut up. I’m an extremely even keeled and polite person, and I would have absolutely done this at 5 days postpartum. Prolonged sleep deprivation, hormones, body having just gone through an incredible feat of endurance and strength with no time to recover… women shouldn’t be expected to be doing anything other than resting and taking care of their baby, and they should have lots of help. Our culture pretends postpartum isn’t a thing and I’m sick of it.

Is this a joke? You tell the poster to shut up and in the next sentence tell us you are polite and even keeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the poor uncle et al who came all the way to see you and the baby. They didn’t know they were unwanted and didn’t deserve such treatment. The mom should have run it by you first, but sometimes there are unexpected visitors.

A baby that age should not be exposed to unexpected visitors. Their immune systems are so fragile and they have not had the proper vaccines. Yes, it can actually be life or death if they catch something. The mom was a jerk and should have asked her own daughter. OP did noting wrong. Enough with the guilt tripping. If the uncle knew anything about babies he would know it is too early to meet the baby and postpartum is a challenging time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I wouldn't have teared up and yelled at people like you did, but you did what you did, and it's over.

Shut up. I’m an extremely even keeled and polite person, and I would have absolutely done this at 5 days postpartum. Prolonged sleep deprivation, hormones, body having just gone through an incredible feat of endurance and strength with no time to recover… women shouldn’t be expected to be doing anything other than resting and taking care of their baby, and they should have lots of help. Our culture pretends postpartum isn’t a thing and I’m sick of it.

Is this a joke? You tell the poster to shut up and in the next sentence tell us you are polite and even keeled.

Yeah I’m a nice person, but misogyny makes me ragey and this forum is anonymous, so…