My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP- the visit and note from your mom is out of line.
She had no right to invite someone into your home without clearing it with you first when you have a five day old baby.
The note is obnoxious- too many things in there to count.
If I were you, I wouldn't respond at all. Let things settle down and wait for her to contact you. If she continues down this path, you could simply say "we're going to have to agree to disagree."
I would reach out to your uncle and explain what happened and let him know you're sorry about it being such an uncomfortable situation. I'm sure that he understood.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m more on the moms side. You’re 5 days postpartum, it’s not the end of the world. You could have just said they can’t touch baby but can see it. Why is your house a disaster after only 5 days? Between you, your Dh and your mom, how is the house not somewhat picked up?

Regardless, it’s never right to be rude to people.

Tell your mom you don’t need her help anymore (esp if she can’t even help clean a house) and she needs to listen to your wishes.

[Anonymous]

Hey DCUM folks! OP burst into tears - it wasn't a calculated plan to be rude. If she was in tears, that means that she was completely stressed out. And if her mother was going to scold her for being so "inconvenienced" to help OP with her newborn for a few days, without OP being willing to be inconvenienced in return, then this tells us all we need to know about the kind of mother OP has.

I agree that OP could have just said to her mother, "Will you please get the door and give my apologies? I'm sure they will understand that I am not ready for visitors yet and that we don't want our newborn to be exposed to other children yet. If they absolutely must have a peek, give me a few minutes to pull myself together and I will see them outside with the baby for a minute."

Your mother berated you for being rude without considering how rude *she* was to invite people into your home without your knowledge or assent. And you say she has never apologized in her life. She will find out soon enough that she doesn't get to run the show when it is YOUR family in YOUR home, and it is up to you whether or not, and how often, to open your door to her.

I also agree with those who said that you could write a brief apology to your uncle, explaining that you were sleep-deprived and visits with baby must be outside and arranged in advance, but you didn't mean to be rude and emotional and look forward to a visit when conditions are better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest and say I’m torn. Your mom is a big time AH, no doubt. But she arranged her own ride to the airport. Your uncle is not an Uber driver and I don’t know that it’s reaonable to think he wouldn’t enter into your house. Everyone should have understood that it needed to be a 5 minute visit, but nevertheless he did a favor for your family.

Bs. My mom took a cab from the airport because we were in the hospital and the baby was early. Priority is the health of the the baby and new mom. If you have to make it about you and showing off your grandkid then don’t bother coming. Op’s mom does not respect the parents and frankly can’t be trusted around the baby. I wouldn’t even bother responding to that nasty lecture and just cut her toxicity off until you are stronger and healthier - like in a year or two!

I said OP’s mom is an AH. Nothing in your post convinces me it was okay for OP to be crummy to the uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m more on the moms side. You’re 5 days postpartum, it’s not the end of the world. You could have just said they can’t touch baby but can see it. Why is your house a disaster after only 5 days? Between you, your Dh and your mom, how is the house not somewhat picked up?

Regardless, it’s never right to be rude to people.

Tell your mom you don’t need her help anymore (esp if she can’t even help clean a house) and she needs to listen to your wishes.

STFU

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. I’d have your husband reply with:
“Marge, this is Bob. Thank you for all your help. We are very grateful for your support. Moving forward, I’m going to ask Jane to direct all communications from you to me. Her number one focus is recovering and caring for Larlo. I will not have her subjected again to your unnecessary criticisms.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby five days ago. My mom has been over helping. Been in a haze with no sleep etc. she then tells me that my uncle and his two toddlers and uncles mom (not my grandma) are coming over to meet the baby and drive her to the airport and they are on their way. My house is a mess and I’m not close with my uncle and am still wearing the hospital diaper. I said no, tell them not to come please, I am not ready for visitors. Well it was too late. They show up completely oblivious that I didn’t invite them. I come out crying saying I can’t believe my mother did this. They apologized and felt embarrassed and left. Now my mother is criticizing me saying that as a parent I need to be able to roll with the punches more and a baby is no excuse for embarrassing manners, life won’t always be on my terms and I have to behave appropriately when they aren’t. Can you tell me if I’m in the wrong here? I’m too exhausted for clarity

I’m sorry, OP. My mom would say something like that, too. Drives me insane. She’ll cross a line, people get understandably upset, and then she turns it on them, saying they have learn to take things better. I’m mad for you. Congrats on your new baby! Get some rest and don’t worry about your messy house.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this when I had a newborn. Every day she had someone else coming over to our house (we lived right next door and shared the yard/porch/driveway etc.) who I was expected to engage with. We have two dogs who I had to manage around these people and who I couldn’t let out for these visits (some were eight hours long) and my husband was working long hours with no paternity leave. I had no meaningful help and I was exhausted. It was very hard for me to breastfeed and settle in when someone was constantly there. I think one visit is obnoxious but not relationship ruining, but her response to your (normal) reaction was unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your mom should have asked you before inviting family inside.
-You should have sucked it up and not take it out on the relatives.
-Your mom has been helping so why is the house a mess? Perhaps mom isn’t so helpful?

The house is a mess and I’m a mess. Big milk stains on shirt and exploding boobs, still in pajamas, boxes of pads on the table, breast feeding cups etc. just don’t want people walking into this. It’s embarrassing.

Postpartum mothers owe no one any apologies.
Shame on your mother.
Has SHE apologized to you yet?

Just stop with statements like these. There are factors at play when a woman is post-part I’m that should be recognized but this is extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your mom should have asked you before inviting family inside.
-You should have sucked it up and not take it out on the relatives.
-Your mom has been helping so why is the house a mess? Perhaps mom isn’t so helpful?

The house is a mess and I’m a mess. Big milk stains on shirt and exploding boobs, still in pajamas, boxes of pads on the table, breast feeding cups etc. just don’t want people walking into this. It’s embarrassing.

Postpartum mothers owe no one any apologies.
Shame on your mother.
Has SHE apologized to you yet?

Just stop with statements like these. There are factors at play when a woman is post-part I’m that should be recognized but this is extreme.

New poster here: No, PP is correct. Anyone who is five days postpartum owes no apologies. Hormones are crashing, body is healing, milk is coming in…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your mom should have asked you before inviting family inside.
-You should have sucked it up and not take it out on the relatives.
-Your mom has been helping so why is the house a mess? Perhaps mom isn’t so helpful?

The house is a mess and I’m a mess. Big milk stains on shirt and exploding boobs, still in pajamas, boxes of pads on the table, breast feeding cups etc. just don’t want people walking into this. It’s embarrassing.

Postpartum mothers owe no one any apologies.
Shame on your mother.
Has SHE apologized to you yet?

Just stop with statements like these. There are factors at play when a woman is post-part I’m that should be recognized but this is extreme.

New poster here: No, PP is correct. Anyone who is five days postpartum owes no apologies. Hormones are crashing, body is healing, milk is coming in…

+1 Yes, and especially when it’s your first and experiencing the perfect storm for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. I’d have your husband reply with:
“Marge, this is Bob. Thank you for all your help. We are very grateful for your support. Moving forward, I’m going to ask Jane to direct all communications from you to me. Her number one focus is recovering and caring for Larlo. I will not have her subjected again to your unnecessary criticisms.”

I am team OP but say NO to this. It will just add to the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m more on the moms side. You’re 5 days postpartum, it’s not the end of the world. You could have just said they can’t touch baby but can see it. Why is your house a disaster after only 5 days? Between you, your Dh and your mom, how is the house not somewhat picked up?

Regardless, it’s never right to be rude to people.

Tell your mom you don’t need her help anymore (esp if she can’t even help clean a house) and she needs to listen to your wishes.

You are as awful as the MIL. The only thing op should be worrying about picking up at 5 days postpartum is her baby. Why on earth would you be lumping her in with MIL and DH and asking her why her house is not clean?

You’re a terrible person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m more on the moms side. You’re 5 days postpartum, it’s not the end of the world. You could have just said they can’t touch baby but can see it. Why is your house a disaster after only 5 days? Between you, your Dh and your mom, how is the house not somewhat picked up?

Regardless, it’s never right to be rude to people.

Tell your mom you don’t need her help anymore (esp if she can’t even help clean a house) and she needs to listen to your wishes.

You are as awful as the MIL. The only thing op should be worrying about picking up at 5 days postpartum is her baby. Why on earth would you be lumping her in with MIL and DH and asking her why her house is not clean?

You’re a terrible person

Sorry that should be mom not MIL

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs- your mom was very much in the wrong. I’m sorry OP.

My MIL pulled something similar when I had newborn twins and was recovering from a c/s. A bunch of relatives showed up -invited by her- and basically completely unannounced. I was so upset. DH handled it- I did not even emerge from the master bedroom to say hello. Kept babies in with me, and DH briefly took them out to show the relatives (<5min). He told everyone I was not feeling well, recovering etc and dr said no one was to hold the babies- because of germs- at this time. I’m sure the relatives were annoyed at the time but I never heard anything about it. However, that was MIL not my own mom….still, I’d ask your husband to step up and run interference if anything similar were to ever happen again.