Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Wow, they are incredibly rude. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes the norm is that registry gifts are for the shower and you give them cash at the wedding to at least cover your plates plus some extra for the marriage.

Send them a check for $500 and call it a day.

I'm not sending anyone that isn't my high-profile criminal attorney a check for $500.

A gift from a wedding registry is a wedding gift! Esp if the guest wasnt invited to or didnt attend a shower!

"Cover your plate" is the tackiest thing ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."

OP didn't go to the shower she was invited to but sent a gift around the same time, well before the wedding. I'm guessing bride was confused and thought it was the shower gift since it was so early for a wedding gift. Instead of giving 2 separate gifts for the 2 events, OP sent one generous gift. I will guess bride wasn't sure what was going on and made the misstep of asking OP about it and OP got offended. Bride should have just left it alone.

[Anonymous]

MOB was rude even if you didn't give a gift at all. However, I remember at my SIL's wedding, there were a few cards from people who FIL was sure gave a gift that were not there when SIL opened the gifts. Long story short, there were a few cards that were lost/stolen--they still aren't sure what happened and it was super awkward for FIL to follow up with those people. But he also didn't want them to think that she didn't send a thank you or wanted to alert them in case someone tried to cash the check. Maybe something like that happened.

Generally, yes, you should send a gift if you don't go to the shower but were invited. But its definitely not tradition where I'm from that people only being cash to the wedding--plenty of people bought us registry or other gifts as wedding gifts. I can see where the MOB might be confused but to reach out is just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

The ancient etiquette that I was raised with distinguished shower gift (practical) from wedding presents (pretty). It wasn't a matter of expense; a Vitamix is a shower present, whereas a teaspoon in someone's silver pattern is a wedding present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

Not only is it rude but you have an entire year in which to send the wedding gift! And if I have given a large gift at a shower I don't also send a wedding gift too,.

[Anonymous]

Also, in my waspy-culture we always give gifts (send in advance, never brought to the church) and never money. Only one person who attended our wedding (Jewish) sent a check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may think “covering your plates” is tacky but it’s the norm in the tri state area. It is what it is. The fact that OP did not bring a check to the wedding is tacky.

I think it’s tacky for MOB to email her but it may be innocent. She may genuinely think the check got lost somehow. Because, like I said, it’s unusual that people don’t know they have to at least cover their plates! Lol

This is flat out false. It’s very common to bring a check to a wedding (I like there) but people do still send gifts both on and off the registry too.

[Anonymous]

That meant to say I live there, and have gone to many local weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."

OP didn't go to the shower she was invited to but sent a gift around the same time, well before the wedding. I'm guessing bride was confused and thought it was the shower gift since it was so early for a wedding gift. Instead of giving 2 separate gifts for the 2 events, OP sent one generous gift. I will guess bride wasn't sure what was going on and made the misstep of asking OP about it and OP got offended. Bride should have just left it alone.

Now that the OP has explained it, it does make sense. Generally if I am invited to a bridal shower that I can't attend, I'll send a small gift. I don't think the OP was obligated to send a gift, but if they sent a gift right around the time of the bridal shower, it makes sense that the bride would think it was a shower gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

The ancient etiquette that I was raised with distinguished shower gift (practical) from wedding presents (pretty). It wasn't a matter of expense; a Vitamix is a shower present, whereas a teaspoon in someone's silver pattern is a wedding present.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Thanks for the explanation. Interesting how varied traditions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lifelong Virginian. I was raised never to bring a present to the wedding because it obligates the couple to have to carry it home (or make arrangements for that). You are supposed to send it ahead of time, but you may have some wiggle room to send something after the wedding (but I always do it in advance).

I was raised that it is tacky to bring money, and just hand it to the couple. I have never seen a box (although I have heard of that on DCUM) to put cards with money in. I would be scared someone would steal from it. Plus what do you do with it afterwards, who takes it home, keeps track of it?

I am beyond words that the MOB sent a text hustling for money from OP. Bless her heart is right, OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

The ancient etiquette that I was raised with distinguished shower gift (practical) from wedding presents (pretty). It wasn't a matter of expense; a Vitamix is a shower present, whereas a teaspoon in someone's silver pattern is a wedding present.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Thanks for the explanation. Interesting how varied traditions are.

Yes -- and yet somehow everyone is sure that their tradition is right and that whatever they grew up with is the only way people in their region do things. (I was raised in the northeast by a midwestern mom and southern father.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

The ancient etiquette that I was raised with distinguished shower gift (practical) from wedding presents (pretty). It wasn't a matter of expense; a Vitamix is a shower present, whereas a teaspoon in someone's silver pattern is a wedding present.

Yes, this is the tradition of my people, as well.