Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like OP attended a shower before the wedding, hence MOB was mistaken in labeling the gift a shower gift. Do people really give $250 shower gifts who are not close relatives of the couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

It may have come off as rude because some people from NJ (or my NJ MIL from Philly) can be very curt and direct. It would have actually been rude if the bride called herself. Many people put cash in the cards, so MOB was just checking to make sure it was not actually lost or stolen. How mortified would the bride be to find out later you put hundreds of dollars in a card and she never wrote a a thank you note.

This. If the card wasn't there and it was culturally expected, I (as the bride/groom) would be worried that the couple had left money that had been stolen.

The nice reply above about how to respond seems like a good idea.

In my world, people send gifts ahead of time or send money. Few to none bring a gift to the wedding. We never had a shower--just a registry.

[Anonymous]

Wow! That’s really ballsy of the MOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this is the RUDEST thing I have ever heard!! How passive aggressive of them. No, you were no supposed to send a card and they should not be soliciting gifts. I would seriously reconsider my relationship with these people.

+1. We didnt get gifts at all from about 6 people at our wedding. We didnt go hunting them down and being passive aggressive about it. An invitation is not a gift grab. And most of our wedding gifts were indeed from our registry (NY bride).

[Anonymous]

You probably got the culture wrong but the MOB was beyond rude in any context. Comically rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

It may have come off as rude because some people from NJ (or my NJ MIL from Philly) can be very curt and direct. It would have actually been rude if the bride called herself. Many people put cash in the cards, so MOB was just checking to make sure it was not actually lost or stolen. How mortified would the bride be to find out later you put hundreds of dollars in a card and she never wrote a a thank you note.

This. If the card wasn't there and it was culturally expected, I (as the bride/groom) would be worried that the couple had left money that had been stolen.

The nice reply above about how to respond seems like a good idea.

In my world, people send gifts ahead of time or send money. Few to none bring a gift to the wedding. We never had a shower--just a registry.

Nope. Nope. If the card is lost or stolen and they don’t send a thank you note, it *might* be okay for a gift giver with a strong, healthy relationship to the couple to reach out and make sure they received it. It is absolutely not okay for the couple or their representative to ask about a missing gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

MOB was very rude to contact you and ask about where your card was. Even if they were wondering if “there was a mistake” (does she mean mistake=your card w $$ was lost or stolen? Or does she mean you made a mistake by not leaving a card w $$? I think probably she means the latter which really sounds like you’re getting a bill for attending their wedding or summons to send them $$ in addition to the generous gift you already gave!) they should never ask guests about gifts!

I’d reply “we actually already received a thank you note for the gift we sent! It was a lovely wedding! Congratulations again to x and x!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

I’m a southern wasp and I can tell you that in my culture:

1) it’s considered very rude to bring a gift to a wedding because then someone has to deal with carrying it home. You are supposed to send it in advance

And 2) it’s considered very tacky to give cash or a check

I’m confused by op’s post though.

Op, did you attend a shower? If you attend a shower, you should give a gift at the shower and then also send a gift in advance or within a year of the wedding date.

I think it was strange of the mom to text you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

I'm from NY, and we didn't receive one actual "gift" for the wedding -- strictly money/checks in envelopes.

Everything on the registry was purchased for our wedding shower.
Sending ANY gift a month or two before the wedding is going to be assumed as a shower gift (especially if the gift came within a week or two before or after the actual shower).

You should have sent the gift 7-10 days before the wedding -- two months before the wedding is WAY early to send a gift and it not be confused.

You can see why they'd assume it was a shower gift, right?

[Anonymous]

What the MOB did was truly one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard. If forces one to imagine the MIL Maniacally going down the invite list and and trackly who gave what. It’s just gross. I honestly think I’d burn this bridge and tell her how rude she is.

[Anonymous]

Traditions be damned. OP sent a gift, period. MOB is tacky, and all the "she wants to be sure nothing was lost" talk in some replies is just making excuses for tackiness. Also: Why is MOB involved at all here? It's on the newlyweds to deal with their own thank yous and keep track of who gave what. In order to thank people. Not in order to dun some cash out of those who didn't pony up.

OP was not at any shower and apparently wasn't ever invited to any shower. This idea of sending shower gifts if one didn't go or wasn't invited to an actual shower frankly smells like a gift-plus-cash grab -- does everyone who is on a [i]wedding /i][i] invitation list need to send these shower gifts, then, even if they weren't also invited to a shower? And bring wedding cash, in addition to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

I'm from NY, and we didn't receive one actual "gift" for the wedding -- strictly money/checks in envelopes.

Everything on the registry was purchased for our wedding shower.
Sending ANY gift a month or two before the wedding is going to be assumed as a shower gift (especially if the gift came within a week or two before or after the actual shower).

You should have sent the gift 7-10 days before the wedding -- two months before the wedding is WAY early to send a gift and it not be confused.

You can see why they'd assume it was a shower gift, right?

1) Believe it or not, the world does not revolve around the way we do it in NY.

2) Whether or not a recipient is confused about a gift, the appropriate thing to do in any culture is thank the sender. And you absolutely do not follow up about “confusion” for which occasion said gift should be attributed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Oh, grow up.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

I’m a southern wasp and I can tell you that in my culture:

1) it’s considered very rude to bring a gift to a wedding because then someone has to deal with carrying it home. You are supposed to send it in advance

And 2) it’s considered very tacky to give cash or a check

I’m confused by op’s post though.

Op, did you attend a shower? If you attend a shower, you should give a gift at the shower and then also send a gift in advance or within a year of the wedding date.

I think it was strange of the mom to text you.

There is no obligation to give a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Oh, grow up.

Wow.

Struck a nerve with your racism, I suppose.