Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t do anything wrong. Usually someone brings a gift directly to the shower unless it’s quite large, and sends a gift for the wedding (off the registry, like you did). The mother was quite inappropriate in her text to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

[Anonymous]

NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

[Anonymous]

Omg this is the RUDEST thing I have ever heard!! How passive aggressive of them. No, you were no supposed to send a card and they should not be soliciting gifts. I would seriously reconsider my relationship with these people.

[Anonymous]

“Sorry for the confusion! Lovely wedding! We sent a gift and card ahead of time as we do down here. Seeing a card box was a new tradition I’ve never seen before. Very cool. I’m sorry we didn’t know to bring a second card to the wedding but please send our love and I sure hope they are loving the Food Ninja they register for! BLESS YOUR HEART FOR REACHING OUT!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

It may have come off as rude because some people from NJ (or my NJ MIL from Philly) can be very curt and direct. It would have actually been rude if the bride called herself. Many people put cash in the cards, so MOB was just checking to make sure it was not actually lost or stolen. How mortified would the bride be to find out later you put hundreds of dollars in a card and she never wrote a a thank you note.

[Anonymous]

I see that it was a Ny wedding. They usually gift gifts for the shower and money at the wedding. You didn’t know. It’s fine. Next time, just bring a check in a card to the wedding and probably more than $250. They are rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

“Sorry for the confusion! Lovely wedding! We sent a gift and card ahead of time as we do down here. Seeing a card box was a new tradition I’ve never seen before. Very cool. I’m sorry we didn’t know to bring a second card to the wedding but please send our love and I sure hope they are loving the Food Ninja they register for! BLESS YOUR HEART FOR REACHING OUT!”

Ha. I hope you're kidding.

[Anonymous]

"Thank you for checking in. We have already received our Thank you note for the wedding gift we sent prior to the wedding. Hope they had a wonderful time in Aruba!"


I'm not sure what you were supossed to do, but presumming your gift was a shower gift was odd enough, even without the rude text from MOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

It may have come off as rude because some people from NJ (or my NJ MIL from Philly) can be very curt and direct. It would have actually been rude if the bride called herself. Many people put cash in the cards, so MOB was just checking to make sure it was not actually lost or stolen. How mortified would the bride be to find out later you put hundreds of dollars in a card and she never wrote a a thank you note.

That is not at all what they are doing. The mob is insinuating that their $250 gift was shower level. Most people around here do $50-100 for a shower. Not in Ny/NJ. $250 is shower level. She’s trying to remind the couple that they didn’t give a gift in the mob’s eyes. The family sounds very tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

It may have come off as rude because some people from NJ (or my NJ MIL from Philly) can be very curt and direct. It would have actually been rude if the bride called herself. Many people put cash in the cards, so MOB was just checking to make sure it was not actually lost or stolen. How mortified would the bride be to find out later you put hundreds of dollars in a card and she never wrote a a thank you note.

It was in fact rude. Gifts are technically optional.