Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

[Anonymous]

you have an entire year in which to send the gift. the perosn sending you the email was wrong. and if you if you give a shower gift you are not also obligated for a wedding gift. And no one of class expects CASH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you have an entire year in which to send the gift. the perosn sending you the email was wrong. and if you if you give a shower gift you are not also obligated for a wedding gift. And no one of class expects CASH

After all these pages, I can't understand why people think their traditions are the only correct ones. Clearly, there are communities where cash is the expectation. The discomfort comes when one doesn't know the traditions of the people getting married or if the people getting married don't appreciate there are differing traditions. If you're close enough to invite someone to a wedding, you should assume their intentions are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

Maybe the elderly judgmental Hoosier can also not call other traditions incredibly rude like giving cash for a wedding gift which is common across many geographical areas and cultures. Then there is no point in announcing your geographical area as the source for your traditions when they aren't even universally common in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."

OP didn't go to the shower she was invited to but sent a gift around the same time, well before the wedding. I'm guessing bride was confused and thought it was the shower gift since it was so early for a wedding gift. Instead of giving 2 separate gifts for the 2 events, OP sent one generous gift. I will guess bride wasn't sure what was going on and made the misstep of asking OP about it and OP got offended. Bride should have just left it alone.

Now that the OP has explained it, it does make sense. Generally if I am invited to a bridal shower that I can't attend, I'll send a small gift. I don't think the OP was obligated to send a gift, but if they sent a gift right around the time of the bridal shower, it makes sense that the bride would think it was a shower gift.

This is true, but the way to handle this is to send a thank you note for the gift and don’t expect or inquire about any additional gift(s). It doesn’t excuse the text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

Same. Except it would be my dear departed Mother that would haunt me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So tacky that MOB did this. You are fine OP. I would be mortified if my mother did something like this (not that she would)! Is this NY/NJ/NE cash at the wedding thing new? My mother is from NY so we had lots of NY'ers at our wedding and nobody brought cash/checks. They bought items off our registry but that was 20+ years ago. Maybe there has been a shift?

Despite pp who got offended, I think it does depend on ethnicity. I’ve been to WASP weddings in NY & NJ and no one gave cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you got caught in family/regional differences. I’m the same. My husband’s family (Asian background *and* from the northeast) only give money. My family (wasps from the south) only give items, never money. And like you, always sends presents ahead. My grandmother would rise from my grave and haunt me if I gave someone a check for their wedding or took a present to the wedding. 😄

I generally just let my husband be in charge of presents for his family. He knows the expectations and will consult with his mother to make sure we give the right amount. And since he’s the one doing it, my grandmother won’t haunt me!

No big deal, just reply to say you sent the present (and specify what it was) to the house before the wedding.

(But wow, I feel like it was kind of rude of the MOB to inquire)

+1

It is super WASPY to throw sh*t at people, demand they register, give more stuff, then complain about how much stuff someone has.

The irony!

Money is what most people need, if any gift at all, OP. It is really just a token. I mean really, they might just end up donating it - so what?

My friends got married late 20's, lived on their own for years, and had very little space in their condos, so they did not need any stuff.

Great. Then they can specify “no gifts, please.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

Maybe the elderly judgmental Hoosier can also not call other traditions incredibly rude like giving cash for a wedding gift which is common across many geographical areas and cultures. Then there is no point in announcing your geographical area as the source for your traditions when they aren't even universally common in that area.

I'm sure the families who are offended by cash gifts will donate all their monetary wedding gifts to charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

Maybe the elderly judgmental Hoosier can also not call other traditions incredibly rude like giving cash for a wedding gift which is common across many geographical areas and cultures. Then there is no point in announcing your geographical area as the source for your traditions when they aren't even universally common in that area.

I'm sure the families who are offended by cash gifts will donate all their monetary wedding gifts to charity.

I am imagining them picking up the check with tongs, as though it's nuclear waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

Maybe the elderly judgmental Hoosier can also not call other traditions incredibly rude like giving cash for a wedding gift which is common across many geographical areas and cultures. Then there is no point in announcing your geographical area as the source for your traditions when they aren't even universally common in that area.

Wow. I don't know why the middle-aged (not elderly, your ageism continues to show) Hoosier triggered you so much. I can tell you why in my midwestern community giving cash is seen as incredibly rude. It's about pride. When you live in an impoverished community, you don't ever want to make someone feel bad/poorly for not being able to afford as much as someone else. You certainly don't want them to feel they need to spend/give money that they really can't afford. Unlike a gift, which you can get on sale, use coupons, find a good price, etc. when you give cash, people know exactly how much you 'spent'. Sure, some uncouth person could give cash, puffed up with pride that they not only had cash to give but how much, but the community would view that as really poor manners. It's the same reason we don't open birthday gifts at a party - if you're lucky enough to have a party. I had one party my entire childhood. Gifts aren't opened because you don't want guests comparing gifts. You don't want anyone to feel bad because they couldn't afford a really nice gift. In fact, some guests don't even bring gifts and no one is leaving with a party favor. Cake is favor enough.

Does every single person in geographical area adhere to that? No, but it IS adhered to in my community. If you had a little more life experience or education, you'd know there can be multiple communities in a geographic area and a single community can cut across multiple geographical areas. We've certainly seen that on this thread. I don't know why the middle-aged Hoosier triggered you but the ageism is a really bad look.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the Northeast to New Yorker parents. All of my relatives are New Yorkers. We had a card box at our wedding, as I knew most of our guests would give us cards with checks. However, my husband was living in the South at the time, and I knew that most of his friends/co-workers who attended would give us gifts, not checks, because traditions are different there. No big deal. I knew that "our way" isn't the only way. It baffles me that other people don't know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

What's a wedding shower? I'm from the midwest and the only wedding events where gifts may be given that I'm aware of are:
1) engagement party
2) bridal shower
3) bachelorette party
4) wedding

Shower gifts are from the registry, personal items for the bride are for the bachelorette, and cash for the wedding, which is most definitely not rude where I come from, next door to Indiana. I'm not sure what the distinction between wedding shower and bridal shower is.

I'm from the midwest, too. In our community:
Engagement party - not usually done but if it is, gifts are small tokens and usually consumable.
Bridal shower is for the bride - usually lingerie and stuff for the wedding night/honeymoon or, perhaps, a small, personal household item. Bridal showers are supposed to be organized by friends of the bride and invitees are limited to female friends and family.
Bachelorette party - female only and usually only for the first marriage unless the bride is also young at the time of the 2nd marriage. Organized by close friends (usually the bridal party) and includes female friends and similar aged female relatives. If gifts are given, they're usually really explicit.

So, at your showers in front of the great aunts, little cousins, and grandmothers the bride is unwrapping a bunch of lingerie? Huh. I've only ever seen toasters, towels, serving platters, etc at a shower. It's like a baby shower, it's all registry stuff. Gifts at the wedding that aren't cash are usually from people who weren't invited to the shower because it's unlikely someone would buy 2 registry gifts if also invited to shower. Not all guests get invited to shower, obviously. The lingerie and other stuff is saved for the night out with the friends at the bachelorette party in my experience.

For my bridal shower, I got normal gifts except the older women did give me lingerie, including my MIL! They enjoyed my shocked look very much. I still remember them cackling!

This was very common when I got married, back in the 80s. Both my mother and my STBMIL gave me very pretty, very feminine lingerie- light, silky fabrics, not xxx sexy, just pretty. Same situation with many of my friends who married at that time. I think it was pretty traditional.

If this was back in the 80s have you noticed if people still do that? Because in the past 15-20 years of showers I've been to, I haven't seen this done.

Middle aged Hoosier here. Our traditions sound similar/same as the other midwestern PP. To answer an earlier question, yes, I absolutely would open lingerie in front of great aunts, little cousins and grandmothers. Why wouldn't I? Even in conservative circles, everyone knows what happens on your wedding night/honeymoon. As long as it's within marriage, it's sanctioned. Sex toys and stuff would be given at the bachelorette party, not the bridal shower. If someone was uncomfortable giving lingerie, they can go the oven-mitt route.

I'm PP you are responding to and I'm also from the midwest and your traditions are unfamiliar to me. So you don't speak for all midwesterners, but you are much older so maybe its generational too.

Ageist much? The PP never said she was speaking for all midwesterners and, as others have noted, even within the same geographical areas, different communities have different traditions. May you learn discernment as you age.

Maybe the elderly judgmental Hoosier can also not call other traditions incredibly rude like giving cash for a wedding gift which is common across many geographical areas and cultures. Then there is no point in announcing your geographical area as the source for your traditions when they aren't even universally common in that area.

Wow. I don't know why the middle-aged (not elderly, your ageism continues to show) Hoosier triggered you so much. I can tell you why in my midwestern community giving cash is seen as incredibly rude. It's about pride. When you live in an impoverished community, you don't ever want to make someone feel bad/poorly for not being able to afford as much as someone else. You certainly don't want them to feel they need to spend/give money that they really can't afford. Unlike a gift, which you can get on sale, use coupons, find a good price, etc. when you give cash, people know exactly how much you 'spent'. Sure, some uncouth person could give cash, puffed up with pride that they not only had cash to give but how much, but the community would view that as really poor manners. It's the same reason we don't open birthday gifts at a party - if you're lucky enough to have a party. I had one party my entire childhood. Gifts aren't opened because you don't want guests comparing gifts. You don't want anyone to feel bad because they couldn't afford a really nice gift. In fact, some guests don't even bring gifts and no one is leaving with a party favor. Cake is favor enough.

Does every single person in geographical area adhere to that? No, but it IS adhered to in my community. If you had a little more life experience or education, you'd know there can be multiple communities in a geographic area and a single community can cut across multiple geographical areas. We've certainly seen that on this thread. I don't know why the middle-aged Hoosier triggered you but the ageism is a really bad look.

Calm down. Cash is totally normal for lots of people.

[Anonymous]

If you were invited to the shower, you send/bring a gift to the shower. If you are invited to wedding, you bring a gift or card with money to the wedding. But a gift/money is traditional for both occasions, both- not just one